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AIBU?

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Original poster

Views on very young parents!

144 replies

Halfmyage · 07/05/2019 11:41

NC as will be outing to my friends and family mumsnetters.

So some background... i had my son very young at 14! I have done the best I can, with no intervention from social services or anything. As a result I did leave school at 14 with no qualifications. So i dont have the best of jobs, but hey, i work, and have done since I was 16. I privately rented from 18, and have done since. My son has always had everything that he needed. And has been loved and cared for. He is now a very bright, loving, funny and popular 14 year old. I met my husband when he was 2, and we have been together since.

So as with many other teens, it was very easy to fall pregnant, I had only had sex once, and did not even think about pregnancy, as it was only once, I didn't believe it could happen. Yes very stupid and naive. But what all my friends assumed too.

Anyway, you can imagine all the comments I have had through the years, sooo many. And it is still happening. This weekend I took my son and his friend to a shopping centre, they went of to the cinema while i shopped. We met up to get something to eat, two ladys sat next to us commented quite loudly as they got up to leave, that i should be ashamed of my self, hanging around with young boys at my age, I stopped them and told them i was actually one of the boys mums, and was told that I should be even more ashamed then, and with that they walked off. Now this obviously embarrassed my son, especially in front of his friend. He told me last night that he doesn't want to go out together any more.

So aibu thinking people should mind their own damn business. So I was young, but iv bought him up well, and there was nothing to say that I hadn't, or anything to be ashamed of at that moment for the ladys to comment on! Basically making assumptions. This is constant. There is always a comment or face pull when people realise hes my son.

Anyone else experienced this, or had comments about young mums?

OP posts:
purpletangerine · 07/05/2019 14:13

imho - people should mind their own!! If the way other people live has no effect on them, why do they feel the need to comment or involve themselves. People should focus on their own lives unless a situation warrants their input.

goldenchicken · 07/05/2019 14:20

@whyohwhyowhydididoit

OP - some people are mad old bags (or biddies)

FFS, can you just quit with shitty ageist comments like this?! Angry

Being rude has fuckall to do with age. I know many lovely people aged 55-60 and older, and some fucking nasty bastards in their 20, 30s, and 40s!!

Shove off with the ageist crap! Angry

Two old dears recently made way for me in a crowded seating area because I was ‘pregnant’. I am a slim size 12 and nearly 60 years old so god knows how they could have thought that. I wonder if it was the same two nutters?

And I don't give a shit if you are 60. The ageist comments and calling people 'nutters' is well out of order.

Also, I find it very hard to believe that anyone would think someone who is SIXTY years old could possibly be pregnant. What tosh!

Frazzels · 07/05/2019 14:21

I fell pregnant with my DD at 15, I had her a couple months after my 16th birthday. She's also 14 now. Her first day at school I was dropping her off and the teaching assistant asked me "where's mum?" Probably I was her older sister, I replied with an awkward "I'm her mum". I've had a lot situations like that, I've some really rude comments to, especially when she was a baby as I didn't even 16, I could had passed for 12 or 13. People don't question it as much nowadays

Mabellavender · 07/05/2019 14:26

Society just judges women constantly when it comes to kids, too young, too old, too many, only child or not having any, someone’s always got something to say.

You need to learn not to give a fuck and teach your son the same.

SVRT19674 · 07/05/2019 14:28

I remember when I was 14 i was outside our block with a friend and my friend's brother, who was 2. This old man walked past us and looked at us, decided he was hers, and called her a whore. Nice.

cranstonmanor · 07/05/2019 14:30

Some people are just nuts. Two women commented loudly at my heavily pregnant friend that she should be ashamed of herself to get pregnant so young- she was 36 at the time and looked it as well (albeit a lovely 36).

happyhillock · 07/05/2019 14:33

My brother and his girlfriend had a baby when they both turned 16, it broke both parents heart's but they got a lot of support, they married at 17 both were quite imature for baby and marriage divorced by the age of 20, It's nobody's buisness what age you had your son, if it happened to my daughter i'd be heartbroken, i've seen what it does first hand to families.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 07/05/2019 14:39

GoldenChicken. At my age and as an old bag/biddy myself I feel quite entitled to comment on the nuttiness or otherwise of other women my age, particularly women mad enough to think I look capable of conceiving.

ASatisfyingThump · 07/05/2019 14:40

I wasn't quite so young, had my oldest at 20 but looked younger. People are quite happy to pass comment, "babies having babies" was one I heard a lot. But I think some people will just find anything to pick at and drag you down, and if the only thing they can find is that you're a young mum then I'd say you're doing pretty well.

tisonlymeagain · 07/05/2019 14:41

I agree with the poster that says he'd be embarrassed no matter what, it's a teen thing. I think it sounds like you've done a great job in what was a difficult situation and I take my hat off to you. I found myself pregnant as a teenager but didn't go through with it, and I regret it every day. There are worse things than bringing a new life into the world.

DottieLottie1 · 07/05/2019 14:46

There are loads of ways you could have been related to your DS- aunt, cousin etc. Bottom line is it's none of their business. Unfortunately there are some individuals who get a kick out of shaming others, however it is them who are making a show of themselves and are an embarrassment!

Unfortunately your son is at that age. Ignore, ignore. It's none of their business obviously but
If you can have a classic comeback it would probably make you look really cool in DS eyes! Can't think of one mind!

lilabet2 · 07/05/2019 14:47
  • Society just judges women constantly when it comes to kids, too young, too old, too many, only child or not having any, someone’s always got something to say.

You need to learn not to give a fuck and teach your son the same.*

I agree with that really. You've raised a bright and popular son and put everything into the things that you've done- it's not really relevant what other people think.

bellabasset · 07/05/2019 14:51

My reaction reading your post was to think you should be proud of your achievements having had a hard start to life when you were so young. How bloody rude for two complete strangers to make a judgement call though. So be proud.

Biddies- Irish no never thought this - more small or narrow minded busy bodies, just googled it and elderly judgemental woman!

TheBigFatMermaid · 07/05/2019 14:53

I don't even get why they had an issue with you hanging out with them, even at 28. You could have been anyone, an aunt, a friend, or even an older sister.

Where do people get off thinking they can say what they like, to who they like?

B3ck89 · 07/05/2019 14:56

I am around the same age as you with a 13 year old (14 in November) I had him 3 months after I turned 16.
I do get told I don’t look old enough to have a teenager, but never had any bad comments (not to my face anyway)
But that’s disgusting what they said to you, your lad should be proud you done such s fab job Smile
I’m now almost 30 with a 13yo, 11 yo, 7yo and 1yo (all boys Grin )
After Latest addition who is 17 months born by c section, I got sterilised at the same time.
We both work and have managed like anyone else who has a baby

NurseButtercup · 07/05/2019 14:59

You need to learn not to give a fuck and teach your son the same.

You've done nothing wrong and by your own account you've raised your son very well. Please don't give any power to the comments of nasty small minded strangers.

Dickensnovel · 07/05/2019 15:00

Oh FFS!! I had my first at 26, and somehow looked young enough in my 40s that I still had comments about not looking old enough to be his mother!! Some people just have no filter/manners. Ignore them.

ishouldbedoingsomework · 07/05/2019 15:10

I was chatting to the lovely receptionist at my dentist's, and she told me I was the same age as her DD (40). I replied (thinking I was being charming), 'You must have been a very young mum' and she scowled at me and told me she was 23 when she had her DD. Oops. I was trying to pay her a compliment.
But on another note, I was 23 when I had DS and have had comments too- for example from GP when I went for my first appointment connected to the pregnancy and he rather kindly asked whether I wanted an abortion.
I had not mentioned it or thought it (DS was planned which seems to be considered very weird indeed) and it made me feel awful.
Unfortunately, society seems to judge anyone who has DC before they are 30.

dreichuplands · 07/05/2019 15:23

Plenty of 14 year olds don't want to hang out with their mums, regardless of age.
People should try and keep their judgmental comments to themselves.
I know several teenage mums who have gone on to make successful lives for themselves.
But in all honesty I would be very upset if this happened to my dd. I do not think that dc having dc should be encouraged and the stats don't support the idea that this is beneficial to the group as a whole.

TacoLover · 07/05/2019 15:46

I think that in the context of the thread no, it’s not necessary to tell a teen mum just what a shitty decision it is to be a teen mum.

Where have I told the OP that they have made a shitty decision to be a teen mumConfused do you honestly agree that there is literally nothing wrong with having a baby when you are a child yourself? I was responding to a poster that said there was nothing wrong with it with my own opinion. We are allowed to have respectful debate about different issues.

Youshallnotpass · 07/05/2019 15:47

I've always found it odd the discrimination that younger parents face. I mean personally I think you must have enormous strength of character to step up to the plate at fourteen years of age and be a parent.

I am a parent in my 30's and its HARD, I am very close to my Mum as well and she helps out a lot.

I think an advantage you have is when your son is in his 20's and 30's is you will only be in your 40's to 50's. If you're close that is a comforting thought, my mum is 30 years older than I am and I am 30 years older than my son. A 60 year gap between 2 generations is quite a thing.

BertrandRussell · 07/05/2019 15:49

I was 37 when I had my first- the doctor asked me if I wanted an abortion too.

dreichuplands · 07/05/2019 15:59

Doctors say daft stuff. I had ivf, when I saw the GP he asked if I was okay with having twins. I don't know what he would have offered if I had said no.

Coyoacan · 07/05/2019 16:20

Sorry, I've not read the entire thread as I have to run out the door, but I think you should be proud of all you have acheived, certainly not ashamed.

When young parents get it right, I think you are the best parents really, because you have so much more energy for a start.

Congratulations, OP

And it is true about young teens being ashamed of their parents, if not for one thing, for another.

notmuchmoretogive · 07/05/2019 16:27

Your story makes me so sad. You shouldn't have to put up with all this judgement.

Well done for being such a positive person who has been a great mum.

Those people judging - their opinions mean nothing. It would be great to be able to say 'fortunately your opinion means nothing to me' with a big smile on your face.