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AIBU?

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Original poster

Views on very young parents!

144 replies

Halfmyage · 07/05/2019 11:41

NC as will be outing to my friends and family mumsnetters.

So some background... i had my son very young at 14! I have done the best I can, with no intervention from social services or anything. As a result I did leave school at 14 with no qualifications. So i dont have the best of jobs, but hey, i work, and have done since I was 16. I privately rented from 18, and have done since. My son has always had everything that he needed. And has been loved and cared for. He is now a very bright, loving, funny and popular 14 year old. I met my husband when he was 2, and we have been together since.

So as with many other teens, it was very easy to fall pregnant, I had only had sex once, and did not even think about pregnancy, as it was only once, I didn't believe it could happen. Yes very stupid and naive. But what all my friends assumed too.

Anyway, you can imagine all the comments I have had through the years, sooo many. And it is still happening. This weekend I took my son and his friend to a shopping centre, they went of to the cinema while i shopped. We met up to get something to eat, two ladys sat next to us commented quite loudly as they got up to leave, that i should be ashamed of my self, hanging around with young boys at my age, I stopped them and told them i was actually one of the boys mums, and was told that I should be even more ashamed then, and with that they walked off. Now this obviously embarrassed my son, especially in front of his friend. He told me last night that he doesn't want to go out together any more.

So aibu thinking people should mind their own damn business. So I was young, but iv bought him up well, and there was nothing to say that I hadn't, or anything to be ashamed of at that moment for the ladys to comment on! Basically making assumptions. This is constant. There is always a comment or face pull when people realise hes my son.

Anyone else experienced this, or had comments about young mums?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 07/05/2019 13:27

“biddy
/ˈbɪdi/
Learn to pronounce
nounINFORMAL
plural noun: biddies
a woman, especially an elderly one, regarded as annoying or interfering.
"the old biddies were muttering in his direction"

drspouse · 07/05/2019 13:28

she could have been home educated.
Or just not attended.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/05/2019 13:28

I think "biddies" implies old. Or maybe Irish.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 07/05/2019 13:28

Biddy
"noun. A woman, especially an elderly one, regarded as annoying or interfering."

OED.

mbosnz · 07/05/2019 13:29

So a woman - especially an elderly one - but not exclusively an elderly one. . . and interfering and annoying - sounds fairly apt in this instance, I would have thought! Smile

goldenchicken · 07/05/2019 13:30

@WitchesGlove

How old were the ladies that commented? They could be old and getting a bit senile.

That is more rude than what the nosey women said to the OP! Hmm

And that goes for a few other comments a few posters have made too!

@Halfmyage

OP of course 14 is very young to have a baby, and any comments supporting that are batshit tbh. But it is what it is, and I would never be horrible to anyone who had babies in their teens. If anything, I would feel a bit sorry for them, as it's bloody hard work looking after kids at ANY age, let alone when you're one yourself.

As a few posters have said, I don't understand why they said what they said, as you could have been the sister of these lads.

That said, I would not bother coming out with any explanation to anyone who says anything. A short, sharp 'FUCK OFF' will do!

@Rightoutofhere

My first instinct with a 14-year-old mother would be feeling sad for her and wanting to protect her. Also wondering how the situation had even happened- who and where is the father? It’s always mum left pushing the pram and dealing with the life-changing responsibility whilst also facing all the judgement and unkindness.

Yep this. ^ As I said, I would feel sorry for the young mother, not deride her. Anyone who says nasty shit to young women like this is a nasty bastard, but to be honest, this kind of person is probably a twat to everyone anyway. Probably the sort who pushes in in queues, and rams your trolley out of way to get to something she wants in a shop etc...

I think this kind of thing happening is quite rare, but I do believe the OP when she says this happens. I was walking in town with a colleague one time (about 10 years back,) and I was 9 stone and she was 15 stone. A man came right up to me and said 'nice figure luv!' I just stared at him blankly as I don't need a man's compliments or approval.

It got worse though when he continued... 'better than the fucking ugly fat monster with you.' My friend went flame red, and I felt sick, and so sorry for her. Sad

Horrible bastard. Angry

So yeah, people can be cunts.

Dandelion1993 · 07/05/2019 13:31

Ignore them.

Young mums get put down due to a small minority who aren't ready for it.

I've actually found that younger mums are amazing. They're normally the ones who play and interact with children more. I had my daughter at 19 and found I could keep up with her and cope with the lack of sleep more than those around me in their late 30s/40s.

Just ignore them and walk on.

cakecakecheese · 07/05/2019 13:31

Oh and OP I agree with the posters saying your son has entered embarrassed by Mum age and would be like that no matter how old you are and yes sadly some people have nothing better to do than pass judgement on strangers but people like that aren't worth a second of your time. It sounds like you've done a very good job in difficult circumstances so be proud of how well you've done and ignore random idiots

BertrandRussell · 07/05/2019 13:33

Nobody in the history of the internet has ever used the word “biddy” without the word “old”. Which is why you had no need actually to type the word. But hey ho. Prejudice against the old is the only -ism that is positively encouraged. Rather ironic on a thread about agism towards the young, though.

barryfromclareisfit · 07/05/2019 13:34

OP, they were nasty women.

For what it’s worth, I think you became a mum at the right age. We should all do that. I was 24, my dd 29, it’s not easy to give birth as you get older. Our society is set up in a way that disadvantages women, by keeping young people as children into their twenties and encouraging them to have children later in life. I wish you and your ds every happiness and success.

mbosnz · 07/05/2019 13:37

Nobody in the history of the internet has ever used the word “biddy” without the word “old”.

Well, there's a first time for everything, isn't there? Smile

I tend to say what I mean. And leave out what I don't. Which in this case was 'old'. Because I had no reason to think so. What you infer is your issue, based on your issues. Not mine.

IvanaPee · 07/05/2019 13:37

I think "biddies" implies old. Or maybe Irish.

What??

Original poster
Halfmyage · 07/05/2019 13:38

Wow thanks for all the responses. It's nice to see not as many people as I thought would judge badly.
To answer a few questions.
I decided I'd go over to Bluewater (kent) to do some shopping. For those asking where this is. And I think alot if you may be right about my son not wanting to spend time with his parents anyway now hes 14, as I think he had only wanted to come as it is somewhere we dont often go! It Was just hurtful to hear him say that!
His dad (or his family) have never met payed for or wanted anything to do with my son!
Yes 14 is not an ideal age, and I wouldn't have planned it to happen, but it did and I wouldn't change it, no matter how hard it has been.
And yes I left school at 14 with no issues, I went back for 3 weeks when my son was a month old, my mum then told me she didn't want to look after him, (fair enough), so I never went back to school, and never heard anything from them. Thinking about it now I'm older, and know things from groups I have attended, the system often fails young people in need.
And i didn't have a come back for these ladys as I could see as soon as I corrected them about being his mum, ( I did this in a friendly but not bothered kind of way) that my son was turning a lovely shade of red, and I didn't want to embarrass him further! My husband says I have mastered a face that kind of says 'say something, I dare you' when people pull the odd face they do when they realise i have a 14 year old, this normally stops any questions. But seeing my son react like that really knocked me!

Honestly ive received so much prejudice, from half my family disowning me and my son, to nursery and school teachers. Even my sons last parents evening his form tutor was a little rude about being so young and having to discipline a teenager! And the everyday people. The looks i get sometimes when he calls me mum while in public. I dont mind when people assume I'm his sister generally, as they dont know, but it's the reaction when they realise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Halfmyage · 07/05/2019 13:39

Sorry that was a long post!

OP posts:
MacrosomicMumma · 07/05/2019 13:44

"Do you live in a very posh area where there are no young mums?"

This is part of the problem. People make the assumption it is a class/education thing and that therefore makes them in some way 'better' than the young mum (not saying that's what the PP is thinking that I quoted from).

Its utter bollocks. You can be a sh*t parent at any age/class/background. Those ladies are just unhappy with their own lives and trying to make themselves feel better. IGNORE.

SunshineCake · 07/05/2019 13:46

Next time is rude to you about your age when you become a mother I suggest you look right at them and ask what point they are trying to make. Then shut up. Let them fill the awkward silence. There should be all the shame on his father and his family for being useless. Not on you who has made a good life for him.

AHF1979 · 07/05/2019 13:47

Was just coming on to say he would find you embarrassing no matter what.

Well done OP I also had my DC at 14 but we’re ten years ahead of you now and she starts uni this September as a mature student lol (I’m so incredibly proud of her).

Those saying girls in our position were let down, I have to agree. When my dd was getting to 14 I too was horrified at the thought. It is really very young. I said if she ever dare come to me and say she had met an older boy I would embarrass him and his intentions very badly. To school, to friends to his parents. That was enough to make her steer clear I think!

You write really well OP, don’t let a lack of qualifications put you off a career you’d like to do. Aim high my love! All the best

TacoLover · 07/05/2019 13:48

So pointing out the downfalls of teen pregnancies isn’t going to educate anyone. All it’s going to do is make young parents feel shit, or attempt to. So, what’s the point of your post?

Hmmsomeone posted saying that there is nothing wrong with having children young, so I posted saying why there is something wrong with having children young as I had a different opinion. Are we not allowed to disagree or reply to other people's posts nowConfused

howabout · 07/05/2019 13:50

Your comment about the form tutor is making me chuckle. Last parents' night I went to half the teachers, at the secondary school, were still in their 20s. DD's English teacher is in his 30s but looks about 12.

MumUnderTheMoon · 07/05/2019 13:50

When I think about teenagers having babies it does make me sad. I think it makes life harder statistically teenage parents and their kids achieve less academically and are less socially mobile. But I don't think they should be ashamed I don't think they should be judged or treated poorly. I don't like to judge others generally though I think it's a bit of a dick move. I hate the way that people dismiss young parents, I had my dd at 23 but I look quite young, she had several minor operations and admissions to hospital as a very young child. If my mum also came doctors and nurses would ignore me and talk to her. It was awful. I imagine this happens a lot to teenage parents as well.

IvanaPee · 07/05/2019 13:51

I think that in the context of the thread no, it’s not necessary to tell a teen mum just what a shitty decision it is to be a teen mum. 🤷‍♀️

PantsyMcPantsface · 07/05/2019 13:59

Happened to a friend of ours at school - she had a child at a similar age. Wasn't ideal - but she's made a cracking job of her life - went back and got qualifications once the baby was older, married and had other children later on in her life and has a good solid career and home behind her now. Not the ideal path to take in life but her current state of affairs is a hell of a lot better than mine and I did it all in the "approved good girl" order of things and still managed to mess things up.

I've also found the average 14 year old is quite happy to be hanging around with their parent - when taxi services or paying comes into the equation!

mbosnz · 07/05/2019 14:00

I've also found the average 14 year old is quite happy to be hanging around with their parent - when taxi services or paying comes into the equation!

Or food. . .

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/05/2019 14:03

Ivana Its apparently a derogatory term for an Irish woman, the female equivalent of Paddy or Mick.

According to DH's Christie Moore albums which he plays incessantly anyway.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 07/05/2019 14:10

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