Absolutely lost it

[6079SmithW]

More of WWYD ..

I absolutely lost it with the DC this morning.
They have a school trip today and were told last night to choose clothes etc ready.
We all got up early this morning so I ironed the clothes they had chosen, they got breakfast.. so far so good.
They start to get dressed and all hell breaks loose. DD1 (9) catches her t shirt in the zip of her hoodie and puts a small hole in it. I told her to just wear it anyway but she starts screaming and shouting that she can't/won't. Meanwhile DD2 (8) has decided that the t shirt she chose has too wide a neck (it's too loose) and she can't possibly wear it either (despite having worn it on several other occasions).
Nothing in their wardrobe is suitable for either of them apparently (🙄) and I'm completely unreasonable because I won't start ironing other stuff or let them wear un-ironed clothes.
I was very aware that time was ticking and was telling them just choose something we're going to be late/you're going to miss the trip etc. Then from nowhere I just lost it and shouted "I'm going to fucking kill you both". I was horrified. Obviously I apologised to them immediately and assured them I'd never hurt them.
I don't know what to do now. Do I just carry on as though it didn't happen? Should I discuss it with them again and make sure they're ok? Will they be frightened of me now? I'm scared I have damaged our relationship.

I wouldn’t worry about it! I was told many times by my mum she was going to kill me when I was younger. Obviously I knew she was joking. I think they were just pushing your buttons this morning. I wouldn’t say anything to them about it.

Oh crap I didn't realise parents are meant to feel bad after threatening hypothetical murder on their DCs you sound so sweet OP but no that's not losing it in my book, you didn't actually harm them, they're fine and you really don't need to speak to them about it lol.

Fwiw I tell my DD6 if she asks me what's for dinner one more time she's going in the oven and I'll serve her with chips!

My mum snapped and swore at me just once. 30 odd years ago, I still remember it, although she passed away 15 years ago.

If this truly is your DD’s version of my ‘the one time Mum lost it’ story, then all will be fine, no long term damage done.

But you need to figure out why today was the day you blew and work on how to stop it happening again - they will only get more maddening as puberty kicks in (I think 12-15 is the worst bit!)

Agree with previous posters - fuck that ironing off.

Next time you get them to pick advance outfits, make them try it all on when they pick it - then they can fuss and change their minds without it affecting you.

would feel if her husband said that to her

Well if he'd ironed my clothes (because he doesn't want me to go out rumpled) and I'd whinged about it and couldn't find anything else to wear.. yanno just being a git in general. Not only would I expect him to swear, I would expect him to leave me behind.

I swear people on here will search and search for a comparison. I mean what if the cat did it as well....

*I wouldn't apologise again but I'd tell them that their behaviour wasn't on.

This is completely hypocritical. "I won't apologise for what I've did wrong this morning but I'll continue to berate you for your part in it!"*

Not hypocritical at all. OP has already apologised once - children not apologised at all. Children's turn to apologise once OP has sat down with them and explained calmly why their behaviour is not acceptable. That's not berating them. It's not normal behaviour and actually not in a child's best interests for a parent to repeatedly apologise for behaviour without a child's part in the whole affair - this whole incident did not occur in a vacuum

without a child's part and behaviour being addressed

Thank you Gobbo.

Not apologising again doesn't mean continuing to berate-but just letting them know that what happened wasn't on & discussing how it could be better handled in future.

What you said wasn't great, OP, but you recognised it and apologised straight away. Your buttons were pressed, given the childhood issue. That's never easy and we're all human.

At 8 and 9, they should know better than to mess about when it's time to get out the door. I would have a chat with them apologising for the language/temper, but also explaining how they were out of line (they should realise this already).

Ask them how it could be handled better next time, and how they can better fulfill their responsibility to get themselves dressed and ready in good time. This means you might all need to sweat the small stuff a little less, and be flexible when things go wrong: you may need to relax the need for clothes to be ironed (easy for me to say, as a veteran iron-dodger), they may need to overlook stuff like necklines, etc etc.

I'm sure it'll be fine. None of us are perfect, and parenting is stressful. Don't beat yourself up, you've realised where you've gone wrong and are fixing it.

I seconds what gobbolino and others have said about not apologising again. All you'll be doing is creating a mountain out of a molehill. Every NT person apart from very young children knows that "I'm going to kill you" is a common turn of phrase that you're annoyed/exasperated with someone, not a literal threat. Not saying it's an ideal phrase to use but what's done is done and there's no point in magnifying the situation into something it's not.

As for comparisons with "what if her husband did such and such to her..." well that's just ridiculous. You wouldn't make a fellow adult eat their veg or brush their teeth or go where they didn't want to go or ground them or take away their phone - children are not mini adults.

Despite coming from an affluent area, my family was very low income when I was growing up. All our clothes were from jumble sales or charity shops and I was teased mercilessly about what I wore. I try to make sure that will never happen to my girls, but I'm probably (unknowingly) over doing it

I understand OP. We would never let the kids go out in unironed clothes or un polished shoes. Call us what you will but appearances are important to us ( as in clean and smart not branded labels or anything like that ). I had it drummed in to me so did DP It's just the way it is.
I have had the same arguments and it's like bloody arsenic time when they start playing up., especially when you are on a time schedule.

I didn't actually swear at them ( directly) until they were about 17 but I feel your pain. To be honest I wouldn't go down the all apologetic route but would be saying "dont even think about pulling another stunt like you did this morning! How dare you both" I know it's no time great and you won't find it any parenting books but I'm sure you won't do it again.

I found a lot of swear words went round my head when they were that age, usually ffs! Or ' what the fuck is the matter now'. As long as they stay in your head, it'll help you cope!

Maybe look at your own behaviour when you wonder why your DC are worrying re. small holes and wide necks!! They're learning that from you. If it's fine to go with a hole in your shirt, it's fine to go with creases

Look at her own behaviour? . Yeah OP already said she told the DD to just wear the top with a hole in it. I wouldn't let my DC wear creased clothes though.

And I would never make them pick out clothes for a trip the night before either. That's madness

Hahaha, what's 'madness' about being organised in the mornings? Picking out clothes the night before saves time in the morning, clearly.

I wouldn't worry about this at all..I would imagine that this kind of scenario happens in lots of households,when children go a bit stroppy about things,and you are all in a rush.

And I would never make them pick out clothes for a trip the night before either. That's madness

Hahaha, what's 'madness' about being organised in the mornings? Picking out clothes the night before saves time in the morning, clearly

I don't understand why the first poster would think it's madness. If they normally wear a school uniform and it is non uniform school trio day things are going to be a little different.
We always had clothes ready, school bag with what wa s needed for that particular day and school lunch packed in the fridge the night before. We did before the bath time and had a routine going so if there was any last minutes surprises next morning everything else had been taken care of. All four of us still do that kind of thing on work days now.

Evidently this isn't a popular opinion here but I think it absolutely is NOT fine to swear at your children and tell them you want to kill them. But what's done is done and hopefully you'll learn something from this situation. No point beating yourself up about it as long as you take steps to prevent it from happening again.

Speaking from personal experience, my children wind me up SO SO SO much more when I have other issues going on. When I shouted at my kids and knew it had crossed a line in what I expect of myself I booked a counsellor. It made me realise that the kids were being annoying, but that why I was being so wound up was about me. I needed someone to hear me, so I could be the kind of mum I wanted to be.

Evidently this isn't a popular opinion here but I think it absolutely is NOT fine to swear at your children and tell them you want to kill them. But what's done is done and hopefully you'll learn something from this situation. No point beating yourself up about it as long as you take steps to prevent it from happening again
I agree and I think it is unusual for the OP that is why she has posted.

Much worse is said to a lot of the kids that I work with but on a daily basis and done with contempt. The child knows they are not wanted or loved. I know several parents who have admitted they have said ' why don't you kill yourself just like your ( mother , father , brother did) and actually meant it.

This is far more damaging than a parent who conistantly shows love, has boundaries in place but on one occasion blows and blows so hard it is a shock to see.
Op, I'm sure you will all be back to normal. Keep the swearing in your head, ( it does help! ) and maybe have an easy morning routine to allow for any last minute hitches.

Thanks so much for all the comments.

The DCs are back from their trip. They had a great time (although apparently I didn't provide nearly enough sweet stuff in their packed lunch compared to other kids).
Anyway I apologised, they apologised and we had a chat about being kind to each other, being more organised etc. They seem fine.
I think this morning it was the unreasonableness of the situation that pushed me over.
I let them choose their own clothes. I can't afford big brands so they generally get basics from Asda (leggings/underwear) and everything else from H&M. They have a great wardrobe, with lots of choice.
Not everything was ironed so I told them go through the ironing pile and let me know if there was anything they needed. I'm not trying to portray an image, I just don't want them to feel bad about themselves or be bullied.
I know they don't necessarily appreciate any of this, but I just wanted them to wear either what they had chosen or something else that was already ready to wear.

Your childhood sounds tough OP. Like I said, it may be impacting you more than you realise. I have a counsellor! I’m not saying this as a flippant thing to make you feel bad. I think you’re kids will be fine, more for you.

Fuck me ! You lost your shit ...it’s ok ...you are human, I doubt they were actually in fear for their lives. Just address it with them...stop beating yourself up...and move on

We all lose our tempers and shout sometimes. Especially when trying to get out of the door. But stop ironing! the sky won"t fall down if a tshirt has a crease in it.

If losing your shit once makes you a bad parent then I'm the Lucifer of bad parents. I swear not a single morning or evening goes by where I'm not screaming "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL YOU JUST GET WASHED, TEETH BRUSHED AND DRESSED!!" Literally if i dont stand over the 3 of them to make sure they dont piss about then we would never leave the house.

In your case i just would have changed them into unironed clothes. By their very nature kids arent rational beings so we cant apply adult rational thinking. My 10 year old has been known to cry because her sock wont sit comfortably

I would sit them down and apologise for shouting at them and for the terrible thing you shouted. You probably did frighten them.

I still remember my mum once chasing me with a broom and locking myself in the bathroom at a similar age to your DC. I was very frightened so I can't imagine how scary it would be to hear your mum threaten to kill you and use really bad language too. (Now that I've thought about it, it has brought back my emotions from that event so please don't underestimate the effect what you shouted could have on your DC).

Also, don't be surprised if next time you upset them one of them, they shout 'I'm going to fucking kill you'.

I would leave talking about the importance of getting ready until a later conversation. Yes, it's important but talking about it at the same time is like attributing them with blame for your behaviour. Your bad behaviour was your fault.

Btw, I don't see anything wrong in them not wanting to wear un-ironed clothes. They probably don't want to look like scruffy waifs. (I know this last comment won't go down well on here as it seems the majority of MNers aren't fans of ironing. )

Sorry OP - I missed your final update. I can see you've already dealt with it and apologised to each other.
I hope things are more organised in the future.

I wouldn’t have apologised in this way. They were being dicks. If they push you and you lose it and instantly apologise then they know to keep behaving like dicks. I would have spoken to them both later about how annoyed you were at their behaviour and then said you shouldn’t have used that language.