Absolutely lost it

[6079SmithW]

More of WWYD ..

I absolutely lost it with the DC this morning.
They have a school trip today and were told last night to choose clothes etc ready.
We all got up early this morning so I ironed the clothes they had chosen, they got breakfast.. so far so good.
They start to get dressed and all hell breaks loose. DD1 (9) catches her t shirt in the zip of her hoodie and puts a small hole in it. I told her to just wear it anyway but she starts screaming and shouting that she can't/won't. Meanwhile DD2 (8) has decided that the t shirt she chose has too wide a neck (it's too loose) and she can't possibly wear it either (despite having worn it on several other occasions).
Nothing in their wardrobe is suitable for either of them apparently (🙄) and I'm completely unreasonable because I won't start ironing other stuff or let them wear un-ironed clothes.
I was very aware that time was ticking and was telling them just choose something we're going to be late/you're going to miss the trip etc. Then from nowhere I just lost it and shouted "I'm going to fucking kill you both". I was horrified. Obviously I apologised to them immediately and assured them I'd never hurt them.
I don't know what to do now. Do I just carry on as though it didn't happen? Should I discuss it with them again and make sure they're ok? Will they be frightened of me now? I'm scared I have damaged our relationship.

We’ve all lost it on occasions OP. Don’t beat yourself up.

You’ve apologised. Later on this evening while you are eating dinner you calmly speak to them and tell them that their behaviour this morning was atrocious And they behaved like spoiled brats, as a result they will no longer be doing/having/ going to [X small treat that you had planned] (Make one up if you have to)

For future reference my SIL came out with what I thought was a great pearl of wisdom once. She has 5 children under 10 including a baby. One morning her DC were playing up, fighting, not getting dressed for school etc and running the risk of being late for school. She said to herself “I don’t need to be part of this madness” so she took herself off to her room and fed the baby in peace. When the DC eventually came to find her she told them they could only come in to her when they were all fed, dressed and ready to leave the house and that if they missed the bus they were walking to school. They didn’t want to walk so they all scrambled and appeared in a row Von Trapp style and presented themselves for inspection. She said she’d never seen them all cooperate with each other like that before so she made that the rule now that if there is any messing she will go and sit in her room until they are all ready. She says it rarely happens now

Yes let it go. We have all lost it at times. You are only human. One day when reminiscing they will laugh at the day mum wanted to commit murder over a t shirt!

Eh you're fine OP. You apologised and now you all move on :) We all lose our shit from time to time!

Needing to iron everything though? That's less fine. Why would you do that to yourself?

As many of you have said to let them wear un-ironed clothes perhaps I am too fussy about their appearance and they are picking that up from me.

OP while I perhaps agree that ironing T-shirts for a school trip is a bit much you sound very reflective and kind I'm sure your DC are also picking these traits up from you. Everyone loses their temper sometimes as adults we need to also model how to move on from that. Apologising and explaining why is perfect.

I wouldn't worry about losing it although I would also feel mortified for a couple of days

But I would always always let mine wear very unironed clothes, as setting my standards super low meant that I was a very chill parent when they were litle.

So clearly what you did was wrong, but you know that.

But it's worth taking a step back and seeing that you are putting unnecessary stress on yourself. At 8 or 9 as long as my DC hadn't picked something totally unsuitable (e.g. party dress for trip to farm), I would be leaving them to get on with it.

I think most of us have been there or at least in a very similar place. Let go of the need to iron stuff. I don't iron anything unless it really needs it. Like the linen tablecloth at Christmas.
I've told my dc if they don't get their clothes/shoes on then they'll walk the mile to school in their pjs/bare feet. They then get them on. Sometimes they are just being a bit precious and I won't tolerate it. I would have told them if they don't get dressed then I'll be telling school I no longer consent to the trip. That always works. Counting to 5 works for the 4 yo. Mostly.
Some days the little buggers just seem to gang up and push all your buttons though. It's ok to lose your shit occasionally. Apologise and tell them you didn't mean it along with telling them you expect them to do as they are told in the morning as there's no time for nonsense otherwise no school trip.

I think as long as you can acknowledge you were unreasonable and apologise to them, it will be quickly forgiven and forgotten.
You do appear to have gotten a bit carried away with the whole clothes issue. Unclench a little, your kids are fine.
Also try to remember natural consequences. If they don't get dressed they will miss the trip. Take yourself away for a cuppa and let them decide if they want to mess about or go on the trip.
But these things can happen to anyone and kids know how to wind you up.

We've all been there and lost it from time to time. At 8 & 9 they are old enough to understand that their actions impact on others and that you are human too. I'd sit down quietly with them this evening once they have had supper so they aren't crawling up the walls and talk through how you could all have behaved better. TBH they owe you an apology - perhaps ask them to go away and think about their behaviour together before they do.

You were triggered by the clothes issue.

They were kicking off and screaming about their clothes, and it tapped into a very painful memory of the bullying you endured and you lost it for a moment.

It is okay op. When we have been through our own childhood traumas we can lapse into the pain without realising it.

Make them their favourite tea this evening, and tell them you can not explain why you shouted that out and you are very sorry. We all make mistakes, even Mummy, and then move swiftly on. Now you know the trigger is there, you will have to be more mindful of how you are feeling if and when the next clothes battle happens.

BTW my dc have lots of clothes to choose from too, and no matter how 'prepared' we are, we have this meltdown about what to wear every. single. time. as well. There is real anxiety about getting it badly wrong for this age group. It will pass, as they develop more of their own style and grow in confidence.
Maybe asking them to try it on the night before, and have a plan B back up will help. That and a no nonsense attitude from you. Its that or no trip kind of thing and then leave the room. Let them get on with it is my best advice

My granddaughter likes staying here she says, she has ironed clothes!!

No one on mumsnet ever irons but really, I wouldn't let my kids leave the house on creased clothes either. But I also wouldn't send them out with a hole in their clothes.

I make sure all the clothes are ironed on a Sunday though, so there is no rushing around ironing in the morning and they have choice of what to wear. If you want to iron everything then great, but get all the ironing done and put away so it's ready for the week. Then they can just grab stuff out of the wardrobe.

For a school trip with no uniform, kids get excited about looking good and "cool" so that's what their behaviour was about. They aren't acting like that because you iron clothes so ignore all that nonsense. You're not giving them issues by making sure their clothes are tidy! That's normal!

Next time they start doing that you need to say "you can choose an ironed top, wear what you have or not go. You have 5 minutes and if you havnt decided then I will choose for you". Then follow through and choose whichever option you prefer. If they won't go along with it, then you cancel the trip.

Ugh, mornings are the worst!!! I can totally relate to how you were feeling. Zero judgement from me. I would talk to them after school and just say that your sorry about losing your temper this morning and talk together about how you can all come up with strategies to make the mornings less stressful for everyone. Tomorrow is a new day :)

Have a cup of tea.

You are not a bad Mum, just exasperated. It is perfectly OK to show that you are exasperated by the behaviour they showed.

Obviously your language was OTT - my Mum threatened to leave home, turn us out of the car etc on many occasions when we were playing up and I am really not scarred.

Just explain to them how their behaviour nearly cost them their school trip because it could have made you too late.

Don't beat yourself up and don't put so much pressure in yourself. Including ironing kids T shirts that are worn under a hoodie. Unironed clothes really are OK.

Smooth and stretch them out when wet and hang them them straight and they will dry plenty smooth and straight enough.

You have excellent insight, OP, and I think you’re right - this all stems from your childhood of having to wear charity shop clothes and being bullied. You’re now overcompensating by trying to rigidly control your DC’s clothes, and being upset if they’re not ironed etc.
But your DC are not you. They have nothing to do with that mortified little girl who was so upset about her tatty clothes and sneering schoolmates.
Try to relax. It doesn’t matter one bit if the DC have the odd day in creased clothes. But it does matter if you’re stressed, upset and shouting at each other.
Why not sit down with the DC tonight, ask about their trip, then explain to them about your own childhood and how it makes you upset? Then you apologise for the shouting, get them to apologise for holding things up, and get them to work with you on a plan for future mornings, so nobody needs to get upset.
It could bring you all closer together, and show the DC that shouting is unacceptable, and that adults need to say sorry too.

Good luck, OP, and don’t beat yourself up over it - just learn from it and use it to improve your relationship with the DC.

These things happen op. I lost my temper this morning. My 9 year old likes to be out the door at 7.50 he starts school at 8.30 but faffs about then gets annoyed with me if we are late. This morning I put my jacket on and caught his face with the zip. We were all huddled by the front door getting in each others way. He started being dramatic saying I hit him in the face. I told him not to be so silly and not to say such things. Then he said I didn't care. I said I do but don't be so over the top if someone heard him saying that it would sound a lot worse.

OP I know what you mean about your childhood clothes situation, it was the same for me. I was always in second hand and often from jumble sales, I stood out at school and other kids were cruel. As a result I can be quite fussy and even controlling about my ds clothes
I try to be aware of this and get dh to tell me when I’m being unreasonable.

I think here two things collided the need to have ironed well turned out clothes and the need not to be late and miss the school trip. For you the need not to have your children missing the school trip outweighed the clothes but your DDs (learning from you) did not feel the same

ironing wise - uniform needs to but normal t shirts - they tend to be ok. I think you need to let go a little on this one

They now know that you have your limits. Apologise to them for saying something you didn't mean - but at the same time make it firmly clear that you do not expect to have to deal with the kind of nonsense you had this morning ever again.

Oh OP we've all been there (even the condescending twats who are clearly perfect parents with perfect children )
DD was off on a school trip and did similar, I had had weeks of her basically telling me what to do and what she would and wouldn't wear/take/carry. I was so unwell on the morning of it, and had the worst period pains of my life to boot, so she copped it.i shouted her to fuck off and stop being such a spoilt little brat, and that if she didn't march herself upstairs in the next ten seconds she wouldn't need the stuff as she wasn't going. She did try saying if she bunked off I would be fined and I said, I didn't care, it would be worth it to teach her a lesson.
It bloody worked as she's never tried it on over clothes or school events since.
Everyone has their limit. My mum used to say "I'll swing for you" or "I'll ring your neck" frequently, as did others in the playground, never actually did it though. The threat was enough though!

You pick your battles with kids. If you tumble dry (and don’t over-fill the washer/drier) and also store correctly, you really don’t need to iron. I don’t even own an iron and can promise, none of us look unkempt! You should have let them wear unironed clothes, it really won’t harm them, I promise .

Don’t beat yourself up about losing it, they probably won’t remember it by next week. We all lose it from time to time, children are hard work.

You do have insight which is good BUT you are the adult. 8 and 9 year olds are not old enough to think their behaviour through properly . Organisation (yours) is the key to calm mornings. Give them more than one option each. Kids are kids and shouldn't be shouted and sworn at. They also shouldn't be afraid to 'press your buttons' That's like saying you should be like that with your partner or whoever.

Yes discuss it with them this evening, apologise, listen to them separately, make them feel loved.

Op I was honestly expecting something more dramatic. People lose their tempers what's important is apologising. Life lesson blah blah. Their anal about holes because your anal about unironed clothes.

First things first - chuck your iron in the bin.

I don't own an iron. I think the last time I used one was ironing something for a job interview for DP about 8 years ago.