Absolutely lost it

[6079SmithW]

More of WWYD ..

I absolutely lost it with the DC this morning.
They have a school trip today and were told last night to choose clothes etc ready.
We all got up early this morning so I ironed the clothes they had chosen, they got breakfast.. so far so good.
They start to get dressed and all hell breaks loose. DD1 (9) catches her t shirt in the zip of her hoodie and puts a small hole in it. I told her to just wear it anyway but she starts screaming and shouting that she can't/won't. Meanwhile DD2 (8) has decided that the t shirt she chose has too wide a neck (it's too loose) and she can't possibly wear it either (despite having worn it on several other occasions).
Nothing in their wardrobe is suitable for either of them apparently (🙄) and I'm completely unreasonable because I won't start ironing other stuff or let them wear un-ironed clothes.
I was very aware that time was ticking and was telling them just choose something we're going to be late/you're going to miss the trip etc. Then from nowhere I just lost it and shouted "I'm going to fucking kill you both". I was horrified. Obviously I apologised to them immediately and assured them I'd never hurt them.
I don't know what to do now. Do I just carry on as though it didn't happen? Should I discuss it with them again and make sure they're ok? Will they be frightened of me now? I'm scared I have damaged our relationship.

Well assuming that they had ironed stuff to choose from, there's no need to be fussing about unironed stuff.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to wear a tshirt with a hole in-I probably wouldn't but I'd be annoyed about the other tshirt suddenly being too wide at the neck.

I can see how you overreacted though if you're worried about time & they are bein ridiculously demanding re wanting certain items when others are available.

Please don't worry OP - try not to take life so seriously and find a sense of humour in these situations. I had 5DD's and have taken one of them to school in her nightie, stopped the car at the side of the road and stared out of the windscreen in silence whilst all hell was breaking loose behind me, dumped dinners [criticised!] into the dog's bowl etc - I could go on..... My lot have all turned out fine and all laugh their heads off about the above and many other incidents. Once you're outnumbered OP you're knackered and have to find a way to get by.

I wouldn't apologise again, nor would I be dwelling on it. You've already done so. But I would give them a firm talking to (not taking a soft approach either) about the way they carried on and make sure they know its unacceptable behaviour. As for ironing clothes - life's too short! They could easily have gone in an unironed tshirt unless you leave clothes in a crumpled pile.

I think it's fine to iron stuff if you want to!

I'm not sure if I would have let them go in unironed stuff-I suppose that would depend on how it looked tbh.

haha - MN never irons!

I do iron but never on the day unless it was washed that day.

They chose the night before so some of the stress would have been lessened had you ironed the night before and not on the morning of. Anyway don't stress. Say I am sorry I lost it but you knew we were in a hurry so I overreacted.

Next time there is such an event make it clear that if they are picking something the night before there will be no changing minds after. If you want to iron it then do so the night before too.

OP, as you will no doubt find over the coming months/years, 8/9 is when hormones start kicking in with girls and they become massively unreasonable.

I wouldn’t have got through the last few years without picking my battles. Unironed clothes really don’t matter. Ultimately if they want to choose something else, even if they don’t look the neatest and tidiest, does it really matter?

Seriously - I have four teens and I would lose my shit on an hourly basis if I pulled them up on every minor thing. I usually just mutter “for fucks sake” under my breath or internally scream and then carry on.

It’s also a decent age to start teaching natural consequences. They want to faff in a morning? Fine, they end up late/missing their trip. Don’t want to wear neat clothes? Go out looking scruffy then.

Worth reminding yourself (as I do when they’re being trying) that you’re the adult and they are kids that don’t have the same emotional capability. Which means you don’t lose your shit and you don’t take their arseing about personally. Unfortunately tweens and teens don’t seem to be able to regulate themselves in the same way!

It's not ideal but we're all human.
Sit down with them tonight apologise and explain why and what they need to do in future.
For what it's worth I would not let my kids wear unironed clothes either and wouldn't myself.
There seems to be this strange middle class thing that scruffy looking kids are cool, I don't get it personally but each to their own.

" Ultimately if they want to choose something else, even if they don’t look the neatest and tidiest, does it really matter? "

I think that depends on if anything might be said to them & if they would care if it was.

I think it doesn't do children any harm to realise their mother is a person with feelings and if you push her too hard she will lose her temper. The alternative is a spoilt child who can disregard other people's feelings.

As long as you aren't verbally abusing them regularly, I wouldn't worry about it

I wouldn't apologise again but I'd tell them that their behaviour wasn't on.

the problem is though the unironed clothes has clearly left its mark in needing to look perfect - anything relating to perfection is an ideal that is far to difficult to uphold.

Its ok not to look or be perfect - indeed it is normal and necessary to cope with life to understand that. And that is what OP needs to tell herself and her daughters

Its ok to sometimes go out with a hole or a slightly creased top just like it is ok to sometimes be running late

here seems to be this strange middle class thing that scruffy looking kids are cool, I don't get it personally but each to their own.

Noone thinks non ironed clothes are "cool". I just can't get worked up over whether they are ironed or not. It also seems weird to think that holes in clothes are okay but not creases.

OP-just forget about it now.

I don't have time to iron. Well I probably do but I'd rather do other things. I find young kids in immaculate clothes utterly depressing tbh. Once they are teens if they want to replicate the fresh out of the pack look then they know where the iron is.

I don't like dirty clothes, or holes in things as a rule, although mine have worn sports kit with the odd small hole in for a while before its replaced. But creased clothes? Meh.

I wouldn't apologise again but I'd tell them that their behaviour wasn't on.

This is completely hypocritical. "I won't apologise for what I've did wrong this morning but I'll continue to berate you for your part in it!"

I think OP's doing the right thing. No parent is perfect but you need to own your mistakes if you expect your child to do the same. My mum had this attitude that she could do no wrong. She'd often been grumpy and short tempered but it wasn't acceptable for us to be the same way.

Obviously it wasn't great but my goodness most of us have been there. I slapped my two year old and we both burst into tears. He's now 18 and I told him when he was 17 and apologised and told him I was fully in the wrong. He's turned into an amazing young man and it has done him no damage. I'll never get over it but that's my consequence.

I'd apologise. Explain how things are difficult with children and maybe highlight any behaviour from them you feel is out of order. In future maybe iron the night before and it's fine to go out in unironed clothes. I only iron my children's school uniform.

Its ok to sometimes go out with a hole or a slightly creased top just like it is ok to sometimes be running late

It's also OK to completely lose it occasionally.

People iron kids' clothes? Like t shirts? Why? Just develop a good folding/rolling technique.

Send them in their uniforms next time they whinge about what they're wearing.

I'm with you, OP, about ironing and standards. I also wear a lot of cotton so have to iron.

I wouldn't have sworn at the DC but would have burst into tears in front of them. It's a useful skill, that. Heaps gets done without complaint when Mum sobs.

It doesn't matter whether you iron or not, the point is you can't shout at a child that they're being unreasonable/annoying because they won't go out in a t-shirt with a hole in it and then in the next breath say they can't go out in a t-shirt with a crease in it!

The children's behaviour would have been unreasonable in a house where clothes being pristine doesn't matter. They clearly don't live in that house. The state of their clothes matter. They were shouted at for essentially following the rules they've been taught i.e. you don't go out in scruffy clothes.

I'm completely unreasonable because I won't start ironing other stuff or let them wear un-ironed clothes.

I'd have just let them ware un-ironed stuff - but then I've lost arguments with DD1 about going to school with tights with holes – her skirts a decent length so she up one many - and DS about changing trousers.

It's just one of those mornings - no lasting damage done it's now how to move forward - maybe go over why you get things ready night before as there isn't time to iron in the mornings.

Another vote for skipping the ironing and taking pressure off yourself and your kids for how you/they look. Your update post makes sense, but I'd be amazed if anyone even notices the non ironed clothes. By the time the kids get to school everything is a bit crumpled anyway.

Re the rest, the main thing is that you realise how inappropriate what you said was, and that you hopefully won't let it happen again. Probably a good entry point for a discussion with your kids re dealing with anger, and how it's better to count to ten, walk away and cool down, or whatever.

Send them in their uniforms next time they whinge about what they're wearing.

I've threated that - never come to it yet - but it does seem to focus their minds.

There are quite a few posters blaming the dc for this and suggesting that they get the telling-off and should have to do their own ironing from now on . I can't agree with that approach. They're children, it's what they do (and not just children - I'm sure lots of us have had last-minute wardrobe meltdowns as adults. Happened to me before a funeral recently). One of mine is very sensory about clothes, only really feels comfortable when they are worn-in (cue arguments about only wearing something for max 2 days before a wash), will happily wear something for weeks (not literally!) and then reject it out of nowhere. I get it. It's frustrating. But he doesn't do it for fun, or to thwart me.

OP, we are all human, etc., but you said an absolutely terrible thing, and you said it out of anger at your dc's thwarting of your own desire to uphold a particular image (when a simple solution - unironed clothes (hell, my dc never wear anything else) was available). You've identified where in your past this is coming from. And what happened this morning has shown up the depth to which it's rooted and the (destructive) power it has when it's triggered. I don't condemn you (as opposed to what you said), but I don't think it's helpful to you to say 'there there, you reached your limit, it was your children's fault anyway, tell them they behaved badly'. If you think of it in these terms, you may not effect the shift in your own thought patterns and reactions which you need to stop it happening again.