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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him blow out the candles on the birthday cake?

327 replies

TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 08:08

NC for this.

It was DD's first birthday at the weekend. We had a little party at home, just family and a few friends. I make cakes as a hobby, and can spend quite a lot of time doing the decorations, so I really went to town on DD's cake.

Our nephew is four. We have quite a lot of nephews and nieces, so quite a lot of birthday parties to go to, and at every one, since nephew was about two, he has demanded to be allowed to blow out the birthday child's candles. This results in him screaming and stamping as Happy Birthday is sung, then SIL will appear with a lighter to relight the cake and allow DN to blow them out again. This is usually accompanied by DN grabbing the cake, fingers in icing, being allowed to pull odd fondant decorations, and blowing so hard that spit flies all over the cake, because he's four and that's what they do. This is where I may be unreasonable - other people's spit really, really turns my stomach. I can deal with anything else, blood, poo, and vomit but I can't abide spit, to the point where I have started gagging after seeing someone spit in the street. So I accept this may be my issue.

DD's birthday was really more of an adult family get together, as most first birthdays are,so as well as serving it to other adults, I wanted to have some of the cake myself. DD, being a baby, didn't really "blow out" her candle, I "helped" her, and then whisked it off to the kitchen, pretending I didn't hear DN complaining about not getting to blow it out.

SIL then came in and asked could she have the cake, as she wanted to light it and then let DN blow it out. I said no, sorry, I'm just in the middle of cutting it up. SIL started to hover and look over my shoulder, and said "but he always blows out the cake". I said "well I'm sure he won't mind missing out this once". Sil stormed off and spent the rest of the time glaring at me.

She stomped off in a huff at the end of the day. DH says I should have just let DN blow out the candle, but went silent after I pointed out that if every non birthday child at a party insisted on blowing candles out, you'd have to add an extra hour to every party. Plus I didn't want my cake absolutely decimated before serving it to anybody.

I probably am being precious and am going to get flamed, but was I really mean?

OP posts:
Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 07/05/2019 11:28

I feel bad for kids like this. As he grows up he wont understand why the wider world doesnt bend to his will.

AhhhHereItGoes · 07/05/2019 11:31

What will he expect when he goes to school parties?
Surely little Jimmys mum doesn't have to ponder to nephews tantrums here.
If it's 'different' at school parties he clearly understands and is just being spoilt.
SIL is just being soft and is doing him no favours. He needs to learn not every occasion needs to include his wants being met.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/05/2019 11:31

To be honest whenever there is a post about someone child being left out of parties I always take it with a pinch of salt and wonder what the other side is.

It's easy to say its bullying and exclusion but it could also be because of people like OPs SIL. And nobody wants that kid around.

forsucksfake · 07/05/2019 11:33

Your SIL is raising an entitled little monster. YANBU.

SoftSheen · 07/05/2019 11:34

YANBU!

PregnantSea · 07/05/2019 11:35

This is mental. Imagine what sort of person he will grow up to be...

Thank goodness you said no, it was long overdue.

Bookworm4 · 07/05/2019 11:41

The Sil will be here in a year bemoaning the fact her little darling isn't invited to his classmates parties and she doesn't know why.
Never admitting he is an overbearing spitting cake destroyer and she's batshit.

Lweji · 07/05/2019 11:45

I suspect the child will learn very quickly not to ask to blow candles on other children's cakes. The SIL, though, maybe not.

goldenchicken · 07/05/2019 11:47

Actually, I think @putthatlampshadeonyourhead has a point. I guess it's a shame for kids like this, as it's often not their fault. It's shitty parenting; no discipline and no boundaries.

My Bro and SIL's youngest was a demon at school too when he was little, but his behaviour did get better when he started secondary school. They were quite strict there, and took no shit from 'naughty' kids.

notoafternoontea · 07/05/2019 11:58

DH's family is more "oh they're only kids, you can't stop them from wrecking things" but then they had more money, and broken things were easily replaced

I didn't think you were being unreasonable, and then read that, and know that you're DEFINITELY not being and well done you for being the only voice of reason in your DN's life!

DH's family's line of "ahhhh, but they're just kids/they didn't mean it/it was only an accident (when I make them apologise) gives me RAGE.

What kind of adults are we creating??

Thankfully I inherited a very good "look" from my mother which tends to whip any child of my acquaintance, including my own, into line sharpish.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/05/2019 12:00

YANBU, he's going to end up a nightmare if she doesn't say no to him once in a while and that's really unfair to him aswell because no one will want him around

AryaStarkWolf · 07/05/2019 12:05

Sil cried tears of rage when she found out it was a girl - the only one in the family.

That's outrageous behaviour, she sounds like a spoiled child herself, I actually feel sorry for your nephew.

shitholiday2018 · 07/05/2019 12:09

I can’t stand parents like this who think precious Billy should do everything. Fuck off! It’s not his birthday, he doesn’t get to blow out the candles. End of. He’ll get a huge shock at school parties if they don’t knock this on the head sharpish!!

RSAcre · 07/05/2019 12:12

I know it sounds as if your DN was being bratty but it really wouldn't have hurt you to placate him

Placte him? PLACATE him?!!! How about TEACHING him, & supporting him in learning about disappointment instead?
That 'placating' attitude, coupled with the SiL's lazy parenting, is how we end up with entitled men who don't know how to hear the world NO from women.

Poor DN, he's going to have a tough time of it, having to learn about other people's needs & boundaries all by himself because his mother can't be bothered to teach him. Go you, OP!

Catchingbentcoppers · 07/05/2019 12:15

At my sons 4th birthday party we had to re-light the candles approx 6 times as each kid had a turn to blow them out.

No, you didn't 'have' to do that, you chose to, to pander to children who want their own way. As most of them do. You sound ridiculous, and for you to call the OP uptight, when it seems you're too scared to tell a bunch of kids 'no' is cringeworthy.

LightDrizzle · 07/05/2019 12:34

I'd be sooo tempted to wait until DN's next party and before he draws breath after blowing out his candles, pipe up with "Lovely! DD wants to blow them out now!" and produce a lighter and lead the cheering squad as she blows them out with your help.
Obviously SIL will be fine with it as it's entirely reasonable.

GummyGoddess · 07/05/2019 12:35

Really? Nobody's posted this yet?

To not let him blow out the candles on the birthday cake?
aprilshowers12 · 07/05/2019 12:47

I'm all about choosing your battles and I'm 100% on the kids side with this one.
This
I seem to have upset some by suggesting the Op could have placated the child. Possibly a too emotive word for MN and I think the above is what I was trying to say. He wont be doing it by the time he's in school, they change so much in that final year between 4 and 5

Lweji · 07/05/2019 12:48

As per the OP's posts, the child didn't need to be placated. Just the SIL.

IvanaPee · 07/05/2019 12:50

It’s not the OP’s battle.

Her house, her daughter’s party, her rules are that only dd blows out the candles. No placating required.

OP has anything else been said?!

goldenchicken · 07/05/2019 13:05

@GummyGoddess

The face on that lad blowing the candles out!!! 😂😂😂 ^

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 07/05/2019 13:07

I pick my battles with my kids. And this is definitely a battle I would pick. I would if I was OP and would if I was the DNs mother too.

PepsiLola · 07/05/2019 13:15

I think you've taught DN (and SIL) a lesson here!

londonrach · 07/05/2019 13:18

Someone needs to stop this. My two year old knows birthdays cake candles is for the birthday child to blow up but she gets nice cake afterwards. When would this stop.....when dh is 5, 8, 12, 24, 69....... daft to even start this. Yanbu.

AndOutComeTheBoobs · 07/05/2019 13:23

I've had mine kick off about stuff like this before.
Usually around the arse-hole age of 3.

I used to try and compromise.
"You can't blow these candles out because it's Katie's cake but when we get home you can blow out a candle that we have there."

And hope they forget about it or dust off an old candle from the back of the kitchen drawer.

If they don't like that idea then they scream it out as far as I'm concerned.

It's not your job to compromise it's the parents.