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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him blow out the candles on the birthday cake?

327 replies

TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 08:08

NC for this.

It was DD's first birthday at the weekend. We had a little party at home, just family and a few friends. I make cakes as a hobby, and can spend quite a lot of time doing the decorations, so I really went to town on DD's cake.

Our nephew is four. We have quite a lot of nephews and nieces, so quite a lot of birthday parties to go to, and at every one, since nephew was about two, he has demanded to be allowed to blow out the birthday child's candles. This results in him screaming and stamping as Happy Birthday is sung, then SIL will appear with a lighter to relight the cake and allow DN to blow them out again. This is usually accompanied by DN grabbing the cake, fingers in icing, being allowed to pull odd fondant decorations, and blowing so hard that spit flies all over the cake, because he's four and that's what they do. This is where I may be unreasonable - other people's spit really, really turns my stomach. I can deal with anything else, blood, poo, and vomit but I can't abide spit, to the point where I have started gagging after seeing someone spit in the street. So I accept this may be my issue.

DD's birthday was really more of an adult family get together, as most first birthdays are,so as well as serving it to other adults, I wanted to have some of the cake myself. DD, being a baby, didn't really "blow out" her candle, I "helped" her, and then whisked it off to the kitchen, pretending I didn't hear DN complaining about not getting to blow it out.

SIL then came in and asked could she have the cake, as she wanted to light it and then let DN blow it out. I said no, sorry, I'm just in the middle of cutting it up. SIL started to hover and look over my shoulder, and said "but he always blows out the cake". I said "well I'm sure he won't mind missing out this once". Sil stormed off and spent the rest of the time glaring at me.

She stomped off in a huff at the end of the day. DH says I should have just let DN blow out the candle, but went silent after I pointed out that if every non birthday child at a party insisted on blowing candles out, you'd have to add an extra hour to every party. Plus I didn't want my cake absolutely decimated before serving it to anybody.

I probably am being precious and am going to get flamed, but was I really mean?

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 07/05/2019 10:15

I too have a thing about spit and won’t eat birthday cake when candles have been blown out unless it’s my children or boyfriend blowing out the candles.

RainbowWaffles · 07/05/2019 10:16

So she doubly sins- she doesn’t cut the cake at her parties which is settled CF territory AND she deliberately facilitates her child being a little bugger. I wouldn’t be tolerating that either.

If he was two years old still or had some kind of special needs I might have given him a slice with a candle. At four, he needs to learn that he isn’t a little lord. Jesus what is wrong with people?! Such a sense of entitlement.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 07/05/2019 10:21

As the mother of a child who used to behave this way and want to blow the candles out at other peoples birthday parties I think YANBU at all. I used to let him blow out the candle on my cake, his dads, my mum would let him too but would I have fuck let him do this at another child’s birthday! As you say, if every non birthday child wanted a go you’d be there all day!

SIL (and the child’s father) needs to manage this better. In other words say no because it’s not his birthday.

ittakes2 · 07/05/2019 10:25

No she is being ridiculous and its embarassing. Although I probably would have stuck a candle in his piece of cake and said he can blow it out if he wanted to. Its not his fault his mum has spoilt him rotten and it might help as a way of weaning him off the practise.

MumW · 07/05/2019 10:26

This tip wouldn't work on a sculptured cake but for those of us that can only ice cakes with the aid of Smarties, I used to ice the cake, cover it with cling film and then push the candles in. That way, the birthday child (and only the birthday child) can blow to their hearts content without anyone worrying about a bit of spit!

SIL needs a slap and poor DN needs to learn that you only blow candles out on your own cake. As for DN's cake and lack of cutting, I'd be very tempted to say very loudly, "Oh but DN really would like some of his cake now, wouldn't you DN, it is your birthday cake isn't " 🤣

goldenchicken · 07/05/2019 10:27

Jeez, from the way your SIL behaves, it's easy to see why your nephew is the way he is. Spoilt little shit! Hmm

My SIL used to behave in a similar manner (brother's wife.) Pleasant enough person but very weak and flimsy when it came to disciplining her kids. (2 boys with 4 years between them..) The younger boy when he was infant/junior age, (between 4 and 9,) was a demon; very destructive and badly behaved. SIL did NOTHING to stop it. (And neither did my brother.)

If he wanted his own way, he would get it, every time. Fuck everyone else, including MY kids. At my cousin's DD's party when she was 4, (and he was 6,) he started to rip the wrapping paper off the little girl's gifts, and my brother and SIL did NOTHING to stop him.

My cousin's partner pulled them off him, and said 'NO JOSH! They are not your presents, they are Lucy's! It's HER birthday not yours!'

Josh went ballistic! He threw himself on the floor, and then started running around screaming, then ran to Lucy's birthday cake and smashed it up with his fist.

This was all somehow my cousin's partner's fault, and my brother and SIL stormed out with both kids, and they all didn't speak for about a year!

Most bad behaviour in kids is down to poor parenting. Unfortunately, the parents are in denial about it, so it rarely changes. The badly behaved kids (who are never disciplined) often turn out to be nobheads in adulthood too.

Oh and YANBU @TommeeTippedOver

Be prepared for resistance, denial, and fireworks though!

mummysherlock · 07/05/2019 10:33

YADNBU OP. Your SIL sounds completely batshit and unfortunately her (lack of) parenting is turning your DN into a spoilt brat.
I’m assuming he’ll start school in September - she is doing him no favours whatsoever as once his classmates parents see his behaviour at the first few children’s parties, invites for you DN will rapidly decrease.
Age 4 is certainly old enough to understand that not your birthday means you are not the centre of attention and you don’t get to blow out candles on the birthday child’s cake. Then again, I don’t understand why parents let even their younger DC do this. Surely better to teach them from day dot with a firm but kind ‘no, it’s not you birthday’ and remove them from the room if they threaten a tantrum then try to tackle this when they’re about to start school.
I’m also shocked at some of the other ways that parents and other family members placate children: like ‘unbirthday’ presents for siblings of the birthday child so they don’t feel left out WTAF? Yes the birthday child has presents but that’s the whole point it’s their special day! On the siblings own birthdays it will be their turn for special treatment.
IRL I have also been to kids parties where the parents of the birthday child have let their older or younger sibling invite some of their friends so they don’t feel left out. Why? They can invite their friends to their own bloody party!
OP, and as for you SIL allowing your DN to stick his grubby hands all over the cake, that’s really disrespectful of her, regardless if it is a cake you spent ages making yourself or a 10 quid one from Asda.

LadyRannaldini · 07/05/2019 10:38

maybe you could have given him a slice with a candle in it and he could have blown that out?

No way should you have given in to his brattish behaviour, his mother does enough of that. As my Head of Infants friend would say, He'll be a wow when he starts school!

LIVIA999 · 07/05/2019 10:44

Ugh that sounds awful.
I know someone who buys their children presents when they go to other people's parties so ' the don't feel left out'
You 100% did the right thing. I would have wanted to but my SIS are terrifying and I'd be scared to so I have the utmost respect.

WeeDangerousSpike · 07/05/2019 10:46

Yanbu at all. The best thing is that this was DDs first birthday, so right from the off he's not been allowed to massacre her cake. If you took the oh, she's only a baby, line then next year he'd be ready and waiting with last year as precedent.

Sils cakes are probably polystyrene so it doesn't matter if it gets flobbed over. That's why she doesn't cut them Wink

Original poster
TommeeTippedOver · 07/05/2019 10:49

ShockShockShock at Josh the cake puncher

OP posts:
HopefullyAnonymous · 07/05/2019 10:51

My niece is like this. It’s infuriating; she’s 6. At any birthday she has to help unwrap the gifts, stand right next to the birthday person for the cake (where she usually tries to get in first and blow out the candles) and the candles then have to be lit again at least twice for her. We went out for a family birthday meal last month and she demanded to have the balloon tied to her chair.

I refuse to engage with it and when she’s here for my DCs birthdays I position my kids, DH, my mum etc closest to the cake and studiously ignore her protests before whisking the cake away from her. Her parents are creating a monster.

TessieVanKendre · 07/05/2019 10:53

Haven't read full thread but, Good for you OP. I was half expecting you to say that you let him do it and then thought afterwards how annoyed you was that you gave in. But you didn't. He needs to be told. Your SIL is going to have a shock when your DN starts school and starts being invited to parties. Is she going to ask the mom's if he can do it there?? No, I think not!

Lweji · 07/05/2019 10:57

As a good will gesture I might have given him a slice with a candle on top.

Anything else, no. Good on you for not allowing it. Particularly if it involves a sort of cake mashing. His mother is BVVVU to allow this.

LillithsFamiliar · 07/05/2019 11:01

I'd have put a candle in his slice of cake. And considering you've obviously put a lot of thought into DN and his candle blowing, I'd have expected you to come up with that solution.
The fact you didn't implies it was about much more than spit on a cake and actually about you putting a boundary down for SIL (because I don't think this is about DN at all). Which you're entitled to do but it's an odd time and place to choose to do so.

Londonmummy66 · 07/05/2019 11:05

Can you imagine the SILs thread this time next year.

"Ive been wondering why everyone in the class gets invited to birthday parties except my son. It is really perplexing as he's such an entertaining child - life and soul of all the parties and he has this really cute trick - I get the parents to relight the candles on the birthday cake and he blows them out! Everyone stands around clapping him so I know it's appreciated."

mummyhaschangedhername · 07/05/2019 11:09

I'm with you OP. Have four myself and cakes are a nightmare as everyone wants to blow the candles out multiple times argh. I would have given him a candle in a slice and left them to it. However I don't really see the issue saying no to him.

IvanaPee · 07/05/2019 11:12

How is her own child’s party, with her own child’s cake an odd place to put candle-blowing boundaries in place?

I have a nephew that would do this if he got the choice. Fortunately he gets short shrift from everyone except my useless sister and parents.

He’s a terror. And he hasn’t been invited to a party in months which is telling. Not his fault yet he’ll suffer the consequences of my sister’s parenting.

Mummaofmytribe · 07/05/2019 11:12

That poor kid. He has a mother doing her utmost to make sure he'll be the most unpopular kid in class. This is the time to be preparing him for sharing and listening to rules. I don't envy his reception class teacher

goldenchicken · 07/05/2019 11:14

Should have said, none of the names I used are their real names. Blush Smile

Drum2018 · 07/05/2019 11:18

YANBU. Your response was perfect and didn't give room for compromise - compromise was not warranted at the time as it would have fed into SILs ridiculous notion that her child was entitled to do what he wanted. If it comes up in conversation again point out that DN really needs to learn to hold back if he wants to be invited to friends parties when he starts school. Nobody wants an indulged brat blowing out the birthday child's candles or spitting on their child's cake.

myusernameisnotmyusername · 07/05/2019 11:21

Not BU. He sounds spoilt.

HypatiaCade · 07/05/2019 11:22

On a slight tangent, children's spit is why you should put LOADS of icing on the cake, then you can take the top layer off and your slice will be spit free!!!

Catchingbentcoppers · 07/05/2019 11:24

Oh I hate this kind of nonsense. You don't have to 'compromise' ffs, it's just silly. DD always wanted to blow everyone's candles out and was told no, it's for the birthday girl/boy and it's not exactly damaged her for life.

cakeandchampagne · 07/05/2019 11:27

You did the right thing.
They are creating a monster.