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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would have a baby at 38?

459 replies

quietmoon · 06/05/2019 17:05

I am 38 years old. In a long term stable relationship. I have a 20 year old DS at university. My partner wants a baby next year and whilst I am not against it and do worry that I'll regret it if I don't. I'm also knackered and just want a quiet, somewhat carefree, responsibilty free future to do whatever the heck I like.

Would you start again at 38?

OP posts:
iMatter · 06/05/2019 19:23

I had my first at 36 and my second at 37.

I'm not sure that I would have had a baby at 38 if I already had teenage/grown up kids.

PetraRabbit · 06/05/2019 19:24

I'm nearly 44 with a nearly 2 year old and pregnant (desperately hoping it works out and will try again if it doesn't). I don't feel remotely too old so to me 38 sounds ideal- I would have hoped for 3 if I'd started that early!!! But I'd had decades of a fairly carefree life with freedom to travel and have 'me time'. But you've done childrearing already and you don't sound at all into doing it again. I think it's more about your stage of life and circumstances than your age. You're perfectly young enough- that's not remotely in debate. But I'd wonder what your son would think, and how much you'd resent yet another 20 years bringing this one up to university age. If your partner has no children of his own and desperately wants one, however, I think that's a huge swaying factor if you really love him and want the relationship to work long term.

NoIamNotOkHun · 06/05/2019 19:24

For me and DH we had cut offs of 35, because we both had friends with older parents and their views/experiences put us off

Hmm

teenagers in late 40's/50's is different IMO

It's great IMO and DD (14) thinks so too.

MaryShelley1818 · 06/05/2019 19:29

I had DS at 39 and now TTC again at 41. So yes...

TeddybearBaby · 06/05/2019 19:36

So you don’t really want to but you’ll lose your partner if you don’t....... I really feel for you op! Have you discussed this with your partner?! I’m 36 and my two are 10 and 12 and I even think no way would I want to have babies now!

revisionist · 06/05/2019 19:45

I had my first baby when I was 19 and then had another with a new partner when I was 38. So similar ages to OP's situation. I started ttc when I was 36 - if you're 38 now OP, realistically you'd be more like 40 when you have a baby - only a couple of years perhaps, but fairly significant in child-bearing/health terms.

For me, it wasn't so much about me being broody, but specifically wanting a baby with my new DH. It's his first child, and I did want to experience being a parent in a good relationship, and sharing that experience with DH. If I had been single and 38, for example, I wouldn't have sought out donor conception to have a baby on my own, or gone looking for a partner to conceive with.

I also wouldn't have described myself as 'knackered' in my late 30s - I play a lot of sport, so I'm very fit for my age, and I haven't had any issues with tiredness at all (DD is one and not a great sleeper, but I've always coped on very little sleep).

I do feel that I've given over a lot of my life to my dc (my older child has SN so has needed way more attention than most). But then again, as I grew older I realised that I wasn't missing out on all that much, and what has always mattered to me most in life has been good family relationships and experiences. I was also able to do some travelling/hedonistic stuff in my 20s because I had a lot of family support. Realistically I wouldn't be doing that kind of stuff anyway in my 40s/50s and in a committed relationship.

Lucked · 06/05/2019 19:47

yes, I had my last at 37 but could have had another. I am in my early 40s now and would consider it if my partner was keen.

I think you have to be clear about what you would do if an anomaly was discovered because you are higher risk and you should think about those choices before making a decision.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 06/05/2019 19:47

I was 35 when my DS was born and 38 when DD was born. Can't say I found it any more tiring than my friends who had them younger did.

I took up running at 40 and was doing two 5k runs a week so I can't have been that tired!

The only thing I didn't consider was me starting to go through the menopause and DS hitting puberty at the same time. Teenagers are hard work.

My Dsis has her first at 43 - she's coping fine.

Sourdoughpizza · 06/05/2019 19:47

I don't have any, if I meet someone I would in a heartbeat. I am 39. However if I had one already then probably not.

BGD2012 · 06/05/2019 19:49

Yes I had mine at 35 and 40.
(But not sure I would start again after a 20 year gap)

Anniegetyourgun · 06/05/2019 19:53

I had my last one at 38, and very nice it was too. To be fair though, it was a bit of a strain going back to the baby phase, sleepless nights etc, when the older ones had grown out of it several years earlier.

DM had her third at 44 and DGM had her 12th at 49.

LouRinging · 06/05/2019 19:55

@NoIamNotOkHun

Great if it suits you. Not sure why the Hmm. It just wasn't for us. One of my best friend is 35 and her parents are 75 & 78. As they have aged their health has declined and she's found it difficult. Sure some people with have good health for a long time, but DH and I can only go on the experiences friends have been through. Because of those we decided it wasn't for us. That's our personal choice. Really no need for Hmm's

Anniegetyourgun · 06/05/2019 19:57

Should have added, just because you probably can manage to get pregnant in your late 30s doesn't mean you're obliged to. No-one should have a baby unless they are 100% keen - especially the mother, who will have to do all the eye-crossing stuff and very likely the lion's share of the ongoing care for the next 18+ years. So easy for the non-birth-giving partner to just say "let's have a baby, it'll be great".

Fcukthisshit · 06/05/2019 20:01

I’m 37 and gearing up to try for one more (loose weight, get a bit fitter etc etc) not the end of the world if it doesn’t work for us as we have 2 already but going to give it a shot. That will deffo be our last one though (if we are lucky enough to get pregnant)

LaurieMarlow · 06/05/2019 20:03

I had my second at 37 and haven’t totally ruled out a third, so obviously I would.

However, you don’t sound particularly keen OP. And I think you should only do it if you yourself 100% want it. Children are hard work.

pumpkinpie01 · 06/05/2019 20:04

I started all over again , my oldest were 20 16 and 12 when I had my DS with my now DH. I started again as I really wanted to go through parenthood with someone I loved to bits and knew would be a great dad, I wasn’t wrong he’s brilliant.

costacoffeecup · 06/05/2019 20:06

I just did! But I wouldn't have in your situation unless I really wanted another one. I'm certainly feeling my age.

Hiddenaspie1973 · 06/05/2019 20:06

Nope. I had my child at 33 and found that exhausting.
I'm 45 now, she's 13 this year and I'm dreading parenting a teen whilst I'm peri or full blown meno.
A baby at 38, Lord No.

peasando · 06/05/2019 20:13

Well I am 39 next week and currently 7 weeks pregnant. Bit different for me though, my son is two so I'm right in the kiddie years. I think if I'd had him 20 years ago and he was grown up now I might feel differently about having another now...

PurpleCrazyHorse · 06/05/2019 20:19

I think for me, being late 30s and having two DCs (one nearly in secondary and one about to start reception), it's the school runs and impact on my career that's the bigger issue. I'm really struggling to get back into work after a couple of years at home.

However, the kids are much easier now they're both in pants Grin

fblake · 06/05/2019 20:24

I had my DS at 38 x

mollyblack · 06/05/2019 20:29

OP i really feel for you! What a decision!

I also had my children young, i am 39 and mine are 9 and 13. I am just starting to find myself and I have to say I am quite excited by what I am finding. Motherhood has been tough but has taught me a lot about myself and about life and I think as my children grown older thats something I want and need to explore/ especially as i didnt really know who I was before children- I was a child myself.

My eldest son has autism as I must face the fact that although he is high functioning he may always be dependent on me to some extent.

I couldn't do it. If i were you I wouldn't do it for someone else- it would have to be something I really wanted myself.

featherflight · 06/05/2019 20:39

Hi OP, this is a toughie. I think it depends how much you want the baby? I don't think you can try for a baby that you don't want, especially if having a carefree life is important to you now as you may end up resenting the life you find yourself in. But if you can see yourself enjoying it all over again, then do it.
I certainly don't think the age itself is restrictive. I had mine when I was 36 and 38. It was much easier at 36 to deal with both the pregnancy and the sleep deprivation / exhaustion, compared to 38. But did I regret it? Never for a second. I am now 40 and desperately want to try for a third! But for financial reasons, probably won't. I have a very supportive DH though and I really enjoyed and lived my 20's and 30's with an established career, lots of travel and fun etc. If I hadn't done that in my youth, I may well feel the pull for freedom and independence now. Its a difficult decision and I wish you the best making it!

Grundtal · 06/05/2019 20:39

I would do it if it happened but I wouldn't choose it. For me the reason is because I already have three and they're all independent teens now. Ive spent almost 20 years being a mum to dependent kids and I've still a way to go before they are all grown up and moved out. I don't want to hit reset on that clock in my late 30's. If I didn't have any or I still had toddlers my answer would likely be different.

TwinsTrollsandHunz · 06/05/2019 20:45

No but my children are older teens/young adults now and i’m still with their father. Neither of us has any desire to start again with the baby/toddler years. I don’t think I’d feel differently with a new, childless partner but I can see that I might be more willing to consider another child if I were with a new partner.