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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would have a baby at 38?

459 replies

quietmoon · 06/05/2019 17:05

I am 38 years old. In a long term stable relationship. I have a 20 year old DS at university. My partner wants a baby next year and whilst I am not against it and do worry that I'll regret it if I don't. I'm also knackered and just want a quiet, somewhat carefree, responsibilty free future to do whatever the heck I like.

Would you start again at 38?

OP posts:
Lilybetsey · 07/05/2019 18:30

I had my last aged 40. The age is fine, it’s just Tying yourself to another 20 years of active parenting that would put me off... and i Could not have another baby now that my youngest is 14 ( I can’t biologically anyway, but even if I could .. no way)

Ninkaninus · 07/05/2019 18:30

Even if he does commit to that what difference will it actually make? All the verbal assurances will be worth nothing in real terms until baby actually arrives and then what will OP do if he decides, as many men apparently do, that all the mental load of parenting and probably most of the physical load, too, is her job to deal with? What if baby is a high needs baby and circumstance dictates that it’s more feasible for mum to look after him or her? It’s too late then, isn’t it? Baby’s already there!

But more importantly, OP knows she doesn’t want to do this. It’s sadness at the idea of losing the man she loves that would be the main motivation for having a baby. No one should willingly bring a baby into the world if they really don’t want to. It’s not fair on the child, nor on the individual themselves.

Ninkaninus · 07/05/2019 18:32

Sorry, my comment was in response to this one:

In your situation I would want reassurances from DP that apart from the initial maternity leave, all the childcare "hits" would be borne by him. Night waking. Part time working if necessary, school runs, taking time off if child is ill, plus all the mental load of keeping track of appointments, activities, and all the rest of it. If he won't commit to that then he's not sufficiently committed to having a child.

Friedeggsandcustard · 07/05/2019 18:33

Having a baby at 38 - fine. I had one at 39, but am already enjoying leaving the pre school stage behind and trying to get my life back a bit. In your shoes I wouldn’t want to spend 40 years child rearing.

I had lots of spontanous, carefree time when I was younger and childfree so I don’t mind not having it now, but if I had had children young I would be looking forŵard to the next stage of my life.

tealady20 · 07/05/2019 18:34

Had mine at 28 only one no more for me

tealady20 · 07/05/2019 18:35

N if my partner wanted one n I didn't that wud b a deal breaker for me x

vdbfamily · 07/05/2019 18:36

I did. My cut off point was 40. I wanted 4 but married late in life 34!! and only managed 3.

Busybusybust · 07/05/2019 18:39

I had my youngest (fourth)at 38. She was a bit of a surprise and for the first 5 months of the pregnancy I cried non-stop! My mum was saying things like ‘they bring their own love with them’.

So true. The best mistake I ever made. She is wonderful!

I didn’t have as much energy, but I think I had more patience. She was a lovely calm baby.

Go for it, you won’t regret it!

3timeslucky · 07/05/2019 18:43

I did. But my first born was only 5, not 20. And then I had another one at 41. So clearly I think it is perfectly doable. But I did want to do it both times. That's the key thing that doesn't seem clear from your post. Do you want another child?

cottonwoolmouth · 07/05/2019 18:44

My eldest was 18 and living away from home when I had my dd at 37.

It’s the tiredness that kills me. I aged overnight and she still doesn’t sleep through at nearly three.

Dh and I long for the time we can have a relaxing holiday child free!

flyingspaghettimonster · 07/05/2019 18:45

I am 38 and I don't think I'd be happy to start all over. My oldest is 15 now, youngest 10. The thought of giving up lie ins and sleep again is horrible. I love babies and I am sure I coyod survive another, but it wouldn't be something I would deliberately try for.

cottonwoolmouth · 07/05/2019 18:45

My body dramatically changed shape too 🙁

LouH1981 · 07/05/2019 18:45

I am (hopefully). I’m 10 weeks pregnant but had a mc last year so I have everything crossed.
I have a four year who is getting easier by the day so I can see why it’s tempting not to. But I don’t feel finished yet so I’m ready to do it again 😊

sunshine11 · 07/05/2019 18:47

Yes definitely. I’m 44 and my kids are 9 and 12, I’d have another in an instant. You’ll make it work. And if you don’t chances are your partner might look for someone who does want to be a parent.

NabooThatsWho · 07/05/2019 18:48

Go for it, you won’t regret it!

Er......she doesn’t seem to actually actively want to have a baby, so she could well regret it if she were to go ahead and have one.

Plenty of people regret having children, it just isn’t spoken about in real life.

MuchTooTired · 07/05/2019 18:49

For me, there’s no way I’d want to start all over again once my kids are grown up, and I’ve been sat here thinking why would anyone want to?! Then I realised that’s exactly what dh has done, what my mum did, and that it’s a completely personal choice, there’s no right answer!

Milligan123 · 07/05/2019 18:50

My first is 8 weeks old... I'm 39... We are doing well so far.... 😊

MrsBadcrumble123 · 07/05/2019 18:52

I don’t know anyone who regretted having more children I only know those who regret they didn’t.... I’m one of the latter - go for it i day Smile

mrshousty · 07/05/2019 18:54

I'm 38 and have 6month old and a 5 year old

adognamedhog · 07/05/2019 18:54

I'm 38 with one at secondary school. I miss the young phase but wouldn't want it again I don't think.

HelpIcantfindaname · 07/05/2019 18:55

I had my first 3 aged 16, 18 & 20.
Last one when I was 40. I have grandchildren older than her. I'd married again though & new hubby had no kids.
Everything was harder....getting pregnant was actually easy ...staying pregnant was not. Had 2 mcs in 3 months. But number 3 stuck.
Pregnancy was difficult. Birth was hard, needed assisted delivery...others had been only gas & air for 2 & natural for 1.
She was back in hos with jaundice at 3 days & had terrible colic.
BUT I loved being a mum again, still do. She's a similar age to some of my DGC so I see my daughters & their kids loads.
I'm a single parent again. I'm always tired...but these days that's the menopause fault.
Having my 4th child at 40 was the best thing I ever did.

Ninkaninus · 07/05/2019 18:55

Plenty of people regret having more children. Even when those children were wanted and are much loved once they’ve arrived.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 07/05/2019 18:55

OP if you promised your partner that you would have a baby but don't can't one then let him go and find someone else with grown up children.

iloveewanthedreamsheep · 07/05/2019 18:56

I’m 37 and pregnant - so yes I obviously would! I have a 3 year-old.

Drum2018 · 07/05/2019 18:57

I'm also knackered and just want a quiet, somewhat carefree, responsibilty free future to do whatever the heck I like

You've answered your own question - don't have another baby. I had my last at 38 and am still knackered 8 years on.

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