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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would have a baby at 38?

459 replies

quietmoon · 06/05/2019 17:05

I am 38 years old. In a long term stable relationship. I have a 20 year old DS at university. My partner wants a baby next year and whilst I am not against it and do worry that I'll regret it if I don't. I'm also knackered and just want a quiet, somewhat carefree, responsibilty free future to do whatever the heck I like.

Would you start again at 38?

OP posts:
BentNeckLady · 07/05/2019 09:31

No. Mine are both in their teens now and dh and I are looking forward to travelling and doing all the things we couldn’t do in our twenties due to babies.

I may feel differently if I hadn’t had any children but there’s no way I’d want to start all over again. No no no

Teddybear45 · 07/05/2019 09:33

I am pregnant at 38 with my first. The issue here isn’t being mum at 38, it is that you already have a 18 yo and in your situation I probably wouldn’t do it - it’s a huge age gap.

Ninkaninus · 07/05/2019 09:46

I know it’s really hard, but I don’t believe you should do it when hand on heart you know you don’t want to.

Remember too, that many, many relationships falter and fail under the strains of adding a child or children to the mix. There isn’t any guarantee that he or you will take to the huge change, and it would be a shame to throw what might end up to be a baby-sized grenade into your life as it is now. What is it? Almost half of marriages fail? You might be alone with another child in a few years time. I know that is a very negative view and I’m not trying to be horrible, but it’s an important consideration, that the dream might not actually materialise.

Original poster
quietmoon · 07/05/2019 15:19

@Ninkaninus Yes I like to think I am not naive and I know our relationship would be massively impacted by a baby and not remain as harmonious as it is now. I've pretty much determined that it's not something I can consider and so I will need to accept that our future together probably won't happen. Gutted

OP posts:
Ninkaninus · 07/05/2019 15:23

I can imagine it’s awful to contemplate not being able to have a future with him.

Sad

But perhaps he’ll decide that it’s not actually a dealbreaker for him. But in order for him to get to that place psychologically you need to be clear with him and absolutely firm in your decision, so he knows exactly where you stand.

orangeblosssom · 07/05/2019 15:23

No way.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/05/2019 15:24

If I had no kids I would but I wouldn't start again at 38. Totally personal choice though

Stifledlife · 07/05/2019 17:26

Yep. Would and did.. and another at nearly 42. I would do it again in a heartbeat too..

Arrowfanatic · 07/05/2019 17:29

Not a chance. NO NO NO NO NO. My youngest is only 6 and i couldnt imagine going back to the baby years let alone 20 years later. I'm 39 this year & i just think how i dont want to still be doing school runs when I'm 45.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 07/05/2019 17:30

Not in a million years. Ours are out of all the little children/baby stuff, we both work and both love to travel. Going back to the newborn stuff would be hard.

However, if I had no DC and had waited to start a family, I'd probably feel differently; I can only look at this through the eyes of someone who had her time in the sun.

Sweetcheecks1 · 07/05/2019 17:36

I had my first son age 26 & second son at 44 soooo a bit of a gap 🤪.... Wouldn’t change a thing.

Tessabelle74 · 07/05/2019 17:36

If you don't want to have a child then don't, age is irrelevant if you really wanted a child. I had my first at 34 and fourth at 42. You need to have a frank and honest discussion with your partner about how you feel

Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 17:39

God, no.
I am 39 and there is no way on Earth I’d start again.

Middersweekly · 07/05/2019 17:40

Not a chance in hell I would be starting again if I had a 20 yr old! When I turn 38 my youngest will be 11 and my oldest will be turning 20 also! If you already had smallish kids I would say, yes, why not but not with a 20yr old!

PortiaCastis · 07/05/2019 17:42

No not a chance, I'm 38 dd is 20 there's no way I'd start again now but each to their own and if you can cope go ahead

TeddybearBaby · 07/05/2019 17:44

I’m sorry to read your update op. You sound really down. Is a baby definitely a deal breaker for your partner? I really hope it all works out.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 07/05/2019 17:49

I had a baby at 38 after having my older children at 28 and 30. It's really not that old to have a baby. The pregnancy, energy levels etc - all fine. The 'back to square one' aspect has been mainly fine, too. But my gap is 8 years and not 20 - not sure how I would have felt had I been properly out of the 'active' parenting phase. Plus - you want a quiet and responsibility-free future. That's not compatible with a baby. This isn't about your age. It's about what you want from your life now.

spriggit · 07/05/2019 17:49

How physically fit are you? I only ask as I had my son at 39, he's now 6 and due to him being a large baby my pelvis is shot through spd and I struggle with back problems. I wouldn't change having him for the world but the impact on your body should perhaps merit some consideration as well as all the other things pointed out by everyone else. I was fairly fit when I got pregnant. I think try and look at everything as a whole but your gut instinct will probably be telling you the answer. Ps mine is an only one in part due to the toll pregnancy took on my body.

hamptonmummy · 07/05/2019 17:51

37 is the average age for childbirth the hospital I had my babies at. If your healthy and stable and want to have a baby do it age is only a number !

Chocolate50 · 07/05/2019 17:54

Why does your DH want a baby now though??

olbndansmummy · 07/05/2019 17:55

I had ds at 26, ds2 at 36 and dd at 41, so definitely if it's right for you both.

Quintella · 07/05/2019 17:56

I'm assuming her partner hasn't had a child of his own?

Beatendownmum · 07/05/2019 17:57

Not a chance in hell! I am 30 with a 9, 5 and 3 year old and I am exhausted 😂 ! Not wishing my girls childhood away but I am a tiny bit excited to hit 40ish and be a little bit carefree Grin

HappyWidcombe · 07/05/2019 17:59

One thing I’ve come to realise now i’m In my 50s is that, for me, the desire to have a baby was entirely driven by hormones. I had my only child 6 weeks before my 40th birthday, so I am familiar with the exhaustion of being an older mother. When she was 5 I split with her dad, and married a wonderful man with two of his own children. For the first few years of our relationship, I would want a child for 48 hours of every month, with an intensity that was scary and irrational but that decreased over time. At the same time, my interest in watching programmes to do with having babies, such as One Born Every Minute, would peak each month and I would regularly cry over every birth. My lovely husband came to realise that my intense desire to want another was temporary, and if he nodded and agreed for a couple of days I would eventually start taking about how silly that would be for us both. Until the next month
This lasted through the rest of my 40s, albeit in gradual decline, and has only fully stopped now I’m on HRT. These days I’m unaffected by images of births and new babies, and no longer want another one of my own. So I’ve concluded that the desire to have one was, for me, hormonal, which would make sense to me. And I would not want to link a lack of desire to be pregnant and have a baby, with any future lack of love for a child should the OP go ahead with the pregnancy, just as I wouldn’t saw a massive desire to be pregnant and have a child necessarily means that mum will be able to love the resulting child in the way all children deserve.
None of which really helps the OP with a really, really tricky and upsetting dilemma. I hope you find an answer that works for you, OP

Purplegecko · 07/05/2019 18:01

My mum had my sister at 34. And she helps me raise my very lively 3 year old now she's in her 50s, she loves it says it keeps her young and fit. I had my DD very young and I am planning on having another when I'm in my 30s.