To ask if you would have a baby at 38?

[quietmoon]

I am 38 years old. In a long term stable relationship. I have a 20 year old DS at university. My partner wants a baby next year and whilst I am not against it and do worry that I'll regret it if I don't. I'm also knackered and just want a quiet, somewhat carefree, responsibilty free future to do whatever the heck I like.

Would you start again at 38?

I'm 39 and just had my first child!

Not if I already had kids and 37-38 would be my cut off point if I hadn't. I certainly wouldn't choose to have one at that age.

First baby? Possibly. Another baby? Not a chance in hell am I starting all again now! For context I’m 38 and have three.

I was in this position with two older teens at 37 and had the baby, I sometimes regret there are things I can’t do but never regret my decision. Whereas I think if I hadn’t had the baby I would be able to do lots of things but probably regretted my decision sometimes. For one, my partner would have still wanted a family of his own so would have left or been unhappy. All the travel and lie ins in the world wouldn’t have made that right for me.
I suppose when you think about what you missed out on in your 20’s, because you had your son, do you regret the decision to have him?

The only good reason to have another child is that you want the child. Really want it.

38 is not too old, not by a long shot, but that's the wrong question. Do YOU want to have a child at 38? Or 40?

I think it is not uncommon for men to have children later in life with a new wife or girlfriend who is younger. They had children with an ex, perhaps quite a few years ago, and then the new partner also wanted children. I think it is also not uncommon for men in this position to 'check out' of parenting a bit, because they kind of see the children as someone their partner wanted, rather than what they would have chosen themselves. Of course it is not always true of dads having a much later set of children, but I have seen this enough times to think it is a 'thing'.

So, no, don't have a child to please your new partner. If you really want it, you are certainly young enough! But it sounds like you would be creating a person you otherwise would not create, in order to please your partner.

A tough one, OP.

I had DS at 38, my first and only. It's been fine.

I don't know what I'd do in your position as I can't guess if I'd be looking forward to the freedom or thinking should I go for the last chance baby. Certainly after having DS at that age, although there were no problems, I didn't choose to have a second.

I had mine at 25, 27, 29 and 42 they are now 21, 20, 17 and 5. 17 year old sitting exams and starting University after summer, little one in first year at Primary so I have all the primary and secondary years ahead of me again. Husband (2nd marriage) didn't have kids, I was happy to have another. It's been amazing, I wouldn't change my decisions for the world.

My personal cut off is 45 which means a 25 year gap between youngest and oldest but I don't mind that.

My personal cut off is 45/46 which means a 25 year gap between youngest and oldest but I don't mind that.

I did, my daughter is 12 this year and I'll be turning 50. She's my only one though so I didn't know any different!

Can't thank you all enough for your replies. The thought of losing my partner, and the wonderful life we've built together is absolutely devastating. The thought of being and living alone is terrifying. And the thought of growing old and lonely even more so.
But deep deep down, I don't think I have the energy or desire, to start all over again. I've never gotten to experience having my own little family (husband & wife, children) and being a single teenage mother was not a positive experience at the time. But I can't make all that right by doing it all properly this time around.
I would love to see my partner with our baby, I would love to marry him and settle down. But if I am completely honest with myself, I'd only be doing it for him and for us. Not for me

I wouldn't want to be a mother for forty years so no.

But that is the head. Maybe your heart says let's do it again.

I had my dd at 38 (first at 34), she's 13 now. I have no regrets, she's fabulous and I'm no more knackered than anyone else. We spent the day together today, just the two of us and we've never stopped laughing. That said, had I already brought one up to age 20, no I seriously doubt I would.
However, if I was in love with someone, I'd want to have his baby.
Oh god, I'm no help!

Yep.... I’m 39 and currently 36 weeks pregnant.

I know where you’re coming from OP - the circumstances surrounding my first pregnancy were less than ideal and I hoped that my second would almost put it right. It didn’t. I still felt robbed of what I’d always dreamed would be a magical time for me.

Anyway, I wouldn’t start over again after 20 years. Not unless I really really wanted another child. I’d not do it for a man, ever.

This is really hard.

It's not the age, it's the starting over, and the fact you're not 100% on board.

Sorry, no help.

Meghan Markle is 36 :-)

I did and she's 15 now, certainly not planned but very much loved and a big part of our lives. Couldn't live without her tbh.
Corny, but she made our family complete and her siblings are brilliant with her, even though grown ups now.

I'm 36 with a 16 yo ds. I would absolutely love another baby but baby aside, the thought of years of playgroups and school runs puts me off totally.

My time is pretty much my own now, ds is easy to have around. I'm at uni and can work a job to suit myself, not what suits school runs and child minders.

So no, no way would I start again

Yes I would.

I'm 39. If it was my first then yes absolutely I'd have one at 38 but 38 was my "cut off" age, the point at which I felt I'd moved too far past the baby stage and each of my kids were just out of the pamper/toilet training/preschool age. I just couldn't face going back to the beginning again.

I love babies, I love the baby stage, but now with a 7 & 5 year old, life is getting easier and easier with them. My time is largely flexible and the kids are independent. Babies would stop that.

I think your age gap is significant enough that it wouldn't feel like going back to the beginning, but the fact is if you value your freedom, it's going to be far harder to give it up now and will significantly impact your life in a way.

That being said, I can only offer the general piece of advice I give when friends are undecided about whether to have kids. If you imagine one day you pee on a stick and it turns positive, what is your immediate reaction? Is it "Fuuuuccckkk!" or is it a leap of excitement?

I've always dreamed of 3 kids, I have 2. Now I've turned a corner and the idea of a pee stick turning positive leaves me cold, I'm definitely in the fuck no camp. So whilst my heart dress wistfully of the 3rd baby I'll never have, my head understands the reality far more!

I had D'S at 40, but he is my first. In your circumstances I wouldn't though. It's nigh on 40 years of parenting a dependent child.
Be prepared that it could be the end of your relationship.

Would your dp be prepared to be a sahp?

Yes, I had one at 45. He’s 10 now and we haven’t hit any snags. We’re all happy/healthy so far.

Yes. I had my last child at 38. He was a very sweet child and little trouble as a teen.