Boyfriend going to lunch with female colleague.

[boyfriendwhatsapp]

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend. He had a conversation on WhatsApp with another woman that he then deleted, which set alarm bells ringing.

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do. I was very clear with my opinion on it and he agreed with me. Now I’m concerned he’s basically agreed with me but now is lying and doing it behind my back anyway. As well as the deleted WhatsApp conversation with her previously, the whole thing just screams dodgy. Why lie about it? Maybe he is worried I’ll be paranoid when there’s nothing going on, but it’s even worse to lie and delete conversation?!

He is a lovely partner in all other regards though, perfect even. I’m not sure whether to confront him now or continue waiting and watching, as this may be something that is more serious than I know of at present.

Omg you are so controlling OP. You have been together 5 months and your dictating who he can have lunch with, spying and checking up on him?

I hope he dumps your arse. Grow up.

My husband works away regularly and often dines out with female colleagues.
No issue at all, I'm a very jealous person, but he is super honest about what he's doing.
If I found out he'd lied or hid a meal from me, I would hit the roof!! I agree with OP this is a big red flag.

The “majority” of posters on here do not reflect the majority of posters in real life.

This actually makes no sense. Posters on here are from "real life" what do you think, MN is some alternate universe where we dont live in the real world?

Well im not white or middle aged. Should I leave MN?

Makes perfect sense to me Grey. MN has a bias of attracting certain types of females , I know quite a few who don’t think mumsnet is for them. Hence doesn’t reflect the public.

Fair enough. But are we supposed to believe a few posters who are in the minority with their views reflect the public? Its bullshit to just throw out "well MN doesnt reflect the public" just because people dont agree with you.

Sorry - the majority of posters on here do not reflect the majority of people in real life.

There is invariably the usual hive mindset and stock responses -

“the 1950’s are calling”
“No is a complete sentence”
“50/50 housework or LTB”
“Use a slow-cooker”
“SAHMs are vulnerable”

That’s just off the top off my head. In real life, people don’t bang on about any of this.

No. No one reflects the public.The idea is, we should allow varied opinions. And that - It’s equally bollocks to shut people down under the “everyone on here agrees with me”.

So @Bunnybaubles your controlling as well? You see nothing wrong with sneaking at your DP phone?

No one has the right to do this, no one had the nerve to tell a new partner that they are not allowed to have lunch with another female, just because you have 'boundary's'

You both sound like bunny boilers,

You don’t think, silver, that people tend to be franker on an anonymous Internet forum, when they might not necessarily point out to a vague acquaintance that having a penis doesn’t prevent anyone doing the laundry, or that taking a hit on childcare for a year or two might be worth it as a long term investment in their career?

If Mn is representative of the general British public, I’m horrified at how many women are still living in economically and emotionally abusive or unequal relationships.

This is just getting pedantic now. The points have been stated time and time again. If you havnt understood it by now then you wont understand it no matter however many more times it gets mentioned.

I full on agree to disagree to you sexist and outdated views

I’m horrified at how many women are still living in economically and emotionally abusive or unequal relationships.

Well if they live their lives with Silver3's views on men and women than its no suprise really!

Some people here seem to think It’s ok to replace men’s control over women, with women policing other women.

Two sides of the same coin I tell you.

Some people here seem to think It’s ok to replace men’s control over women, with women policing other women.

Oh the irony! So why is it ok to tell women we shouldnt be having male friendships?

Grey - you seem unable to grasp the subtleties of a discussion so you insist on reducing everything to the most basic and binary terms. You get yourself more and more wound up because you misunderstand, wilfully or otherwise. You come across as very bitter and defensive. Just give it a rest.

Fucking hell @greytexpectations and @silver3

You two have been at it for 24h, jaysis

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut i love your username! Proper gave me a chuckle!

And yes you are right. Just cant seem to let myself move past sexism when women have worked so hard for equality

Grey - you seem unable to grasp the subtleties of a discussion so you insist on reducing everything to the most basic and binary terms. You get yourself more and more wound up because you misunderstand, wilfully or otherwise. You come across as very bitter and defensive. Just give it a rest

Nope. You are so wrong. Laughing at the fact that you see me as bitter when you are the one wil sexist, insecure views. Give it rest.

Silver, please stop trying to act superior. You are just making youself look bad.

You have misinterpreted a lot of things from the outset, but I can’t be bothered to have to explain that I’m not exactly saying what you seen to think I’m saying. All this “choosing friends based on what’s between their legs” is your crude understanding and phrasing. You have reached your own conclusions based on partial understanding, God knows what your agenda is, but I’m tired of it and it doesn’t matter.

Sure Silver, you go ahead and deny what you actually wrote on the internet. Its words that have been typed and published in black and white. You can assume all you want about me (wrongly) but at the end of the day its you who has made sweeping judgments, assumptions and generalisations. You lack the most basic comprehension skills that you cant even understand how offensive you have actually been, even though its been spelt out for your multiple times by myself and other posters.
Im just done with wasting more of my time on you. Its really not worth it as you are so far beyond missing the point that it just becomes a battle of will power responding to you.

silver3

What exactly did you mean to write then?

Only you've lost me if you didn't mean what you actually wrote.

@FireflyEden

So @Bunnybaubles your controlling as well? You see nothing wrong with sneaking at your DP phone?

Its "you're"... not "your".... "through" ... not "at"... "DP's" ... not "DP".

I've copied and pasted what I wrote earlier. I would love you to clarify exactly how you came to the conclusion I snoop on my DP's phone from what I wrote. I am genuinely confused

"Plus, I have access to my DP's phone. I have also shared photos from his WhatsApp to my WhatsApp..."

Clearly I need to lay it down in simple terms for you what this means since you struggled to understand...

"I have access to DP's phone". This is consensual. Maybe that's the word you needed to see? 🤷‍♀️ Although, "I have access to" kind of implies I have consent more so than I dont. Otherwise I would've written "I take my DP's phone when he isn't looking..." But then I wouldn't be questioning your post.

We have a baby and depending on who has the most battery on our phone we take photos of all her little milestones and just day to day stuff she does which makes us smile. Other family members also take photos of our baby and send them to us via WhatsApp.

I'd love the photos my DP has on his phone of our baby sent to mine so that I have them on my phone to look at when I want... Acceptable??

DP is often busy or can't be bothered to send the photos and throws his phone over to me, telling me to do it myself. There is your consent.

I then open his WhatsApp app (or gallery depending on what photos I want), go into his profile and share the photos of our baby to my phone. Sometimes I also share them from his phone to my grown up DC while sharing to mine. He does not mind that. Again, I checked with him, I have consent.

This also works the other way around with my photo gallery, WhatsApp etc, if there is something DP wants to use my phone for I throw it over to him. He has my consent.

So, is this your definition of snooping? Is this what you based your post on?

I consider the above to be two adults in a relationship who often share each other's devices for sharing photos, using the internet when our own battery is flat, etc. Sometimes when we are in the car I open HIS music playlist on HIS phone and play songs for us through the car...😱 And by your definition this makes me a controlling snoop?? 🤷‍♀️

You must be frightened to look at your DP's phone for fear of being accused of snooping 😂

I worked in the same job with my DP for over 5 years. We always worked 12 hour shifts, in pairs with other colleagues. Often I worked with other men, often he worked with other women. Neither of us minded at all.

I left to start our family so was not invited to the works night out where he met up with both male and female colleagues. I gave him a lift and picked him up so he could have a drink and enjoy himself. Btw, he asked for a lift and to be picked up because he couldn't be bothered with the train. Do you see that as me being controlling?

When our DD was born last year the female colleague he works with the most gave us a lovely card and gift. I dont know this woman, she started the job after I left but she sounds lovely and DP was told to tell her I said thank you 😊 Am I controlling here??

DP has a hobby which involves him playing as part of a team. There are women in his team who I have never met. I have no interest in meeting them either, I have zero interest in his hobby. It's his thing which he does 2 nights a week. I use that precious time when he is out of the house to study for my degree or watch scary movies once DD is in bed which he has no interest in. Controlling??

Just thought I'd add a little background to give you a picture of how controlling I am 😏

Having rtft I can't get past the fact that Silver3 thinks 'cultural practices' that condone and even encourage everyday sexism are not only acceptable in ANY part of the UK .( Including your 'largely MiddleEastern neighbourhood in London')
You do realise that just badging up everyday sexism - in fact ANY practice where a man is assumed to have a right to dictate a woman's behaviour OR a woman feels the same right to dictate to a man - as 'cultural' or 'religious' doesn't make it right?

MN is far from a 'Hive mind' I've been on here for nearly 8 yrs and have read and commented on posts from all over the world, from all age groups , mothers, fathers, grandparents.. High flying career woman to those struggling to make ends meet. Those studying for PHDs to those leaving school with nothing - not to mention those from every religion and none. If you expand your horizons a bit beyond AIBU you will find a fairly eclectic community .
As for 'us all having to think like white middle class women' .. well I am maybe middle class but from a mixed Asian family, who hopes above all hope that MY family has indeed adopted this countries attitudes and opinions on human rights, that is why we live here !
If I wanted us to be living under some ridiculous medieval regime with bizarre attitudes about Male/female friendships - where 'religion' and 'cultural expectations' play a greater part in deciding how we run our lives than our own decisions, then we would live there and not here.

You OP are being ridiculous. Stop snooping, understand that you cannot MAKE someone want to be with you. If he is going to cheat he will cheat. Having lunch is not cheating. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable. Be honest. If he doesn't want to stop and you can't 'cope' - then leave. You are incompatible. Simple. Word of advice though , deal with the jealousy, it's a deeply unattractive trait.

Very well said @Smallereveryday I couldnt agree more with your post. Thank you for writing it all out!