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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend going to lunch with female colleague.

530 replies

boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 14:58

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend. He had a conversation on WhatsApp with another woman that he then deleted, which set alarm bells ringing.

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do. I was very clear with my opinion on it and he agreed with me. Now I’m concerned he’s basically agreed with me but now is lying and doing it behind my back anyway. As well as the deleted WhatsApp conversation with her previously, the whole thing just screams dodgy. Why lie about it? Maybe he is worried I’ll be paranoid when there’s nothing going on, but it’s even worse to lie and delete conversation?!

He is a lovely partner in all other regards though, perfect even. I’m not sure whether to confront him now or continue waiting and watching, as this may be something that is more serious than I know of at present.

OP posts:
silver3 · 08/05/2019 14:04

Thanks and have a lovely day!

Kiltartan · 08/05/2019 14:10

I barely have time to see my female friends or get a date night out with my husband. If I found an hour a day to spend with a new male friend then I think that would look quite odd

I'm loving the way that being able to see your friends (especially opposite-sex ones, who appear to be more time-consuming) is emerging on this thread as a sign you simply don't have enough to do. In fact, you are probably short-changing your long-suffering spouse and offspring if you ever see your friends.

GrumbleBumble · 08/05/2019 14:16

Oh my - while my husband was working abroad for 4 months my male friend (married to a female friend of mine) came to stay at our house for a week (he needed to be in the area for a week and it seem stupid to pay for a hotel when our house was 10 minutes from where he was working). I realise now what terrible, shocking behaviour this was. Or maybe we are all just grown-ups who trust our spouses.
I also sometimes eat lunch with a male colleague, some times a female colleague, sometimes alone and sometimes groups of all men, all women or even a mixed group.
I never ask my DH who he had lunch with or where because I know that a) he doesn't have anything to hide b) if he had something to hide then he would probably try to hide it c) he's crap at lying so I would know if he was hiding something d) we spend months at a time living in different countries so if we didn't trust each other things would have fallen apart years ago. e) I can't really ask that the army stop of this modern nonsense of letting women serve of the front line because random strangers might make judgements about my relationship f) if he told be to not see my male friends I'd think he was mental my mates are my mates and I'm not about to alter that for anyone.

DecomposingComposers · 08/05/2019 14:20

Well, good for you, but so what??? The OP knows her DP and has decided SHE is not comfortable with the shift in his behaviour.
Then she has only 1 choice - end the relationship. What she shouldn't do is insist that her bf changes his behaviour to suit her - because that is controlling.

DecomposingComposers · 08/05/2019 14:21

So if you had a male friend who your DH really took exception to Grey, what would you do?
What if you had a female friend silver that your husband took exception to?

GreytExpectations · 08/05/2019 14:23

Then she has only 1 choice - end the relationship. What she shouldn't do is insist that her bf changes his behaviour to suit her - because that is controlling.

This^ I dont believe the OP boyfriend was doing much wrong apart from the lying but he probably felt pushed into doing that. If OP cant handle her paranoia than she needs to end the relationship

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 08/05/2019 14:41

Well, I guess I must be very unattractive then as none of the male friends I've had throughout my life have wanted to shag me!

As far as I know I haven't pissed off any of their wives/partners either - if I have then it is them that had the problem not me!

Delatron · 08/05/2019 14:49

Unfortunately I’ve had many male friends try it on with me! So like we are saying, lots of different experiences for different people and it’s best if we stick to the facts of the OP.

GreytExpectations · 08/05/2019 14:55

I do enjoy when you hear women "complain" about how all their male friends have tried it on with them. Such an obvious way of telling everyone how attractive you think you are

silver3 · 08/05/2019 15:04

Grumble. Thankyou for your post,

He stayed with you for a week, you say? And now there are women on the front line?

Well that proves it then!

The DP CANNOT be having an affair and the OP is therefore a controlling psycho, beyond any reasonable MN doubt. I, for one, am livid she even dared to post in the first place.

Alsohuman · 08/05/2019 15:06

First sensible thing you’ve posted @silver.

Delatron · 08/05/2019 15:08

Grey it’s an anonymous Internet forum, I’m hardly bleating on about how attractive I may be. Just pointing out in my experience male/female friendships can be tricky if one person fancies the other. It is a different dynamic whether you like it or not..

Kiltartan · 08/05/2019 15:11

I do enjoy when you hear women "complain" about how all their male friends have tried it on with them. Such an obvious way of telling everyone how attractive you think you are

Leighhalfpenny and I are just going to sit over here in the corner popping our spots and wondering why our male friends are so curiously immune to our charms. Grin

Delatron · 08/05/2019 15:13

So the OP is paranoid because her boyfriend deletes flirty texts. The woman in question sends sad faces that they can’t have lunch that day (meaning that they must have lunch often for her to be so sad) . Boyfriend lies and doesn’t mention this women. It’s all OPs fault. Right..

silver3 · 08/05/2019 15:14

And as for you, Delatron. Men coming on to you indeed! No we will not countenance such a thing on MN.

Delatron · 08/05/2019 15:17

I know! It’s like it never happens silver I must some rare breed of supermodel.

(I’m not, I’m very average, sorry it does happen).

DecomposingComposers · 08/05/2019 15:30

Surely you can see the difference between one half of the friendship being attracted to the other and a genuinely platonic friendship?

silver3 · 08/05/2019 15:31

I’m afraid I don’t agree with you Delatron, so there’s only one place for you - the 50s.

Will nobody spare a thought for all the poor men who only wanted to make a friend?

I find it an outrage. Angry

Boulezvous · 08/05/2019 15:36

The original post describes 'monitoring' the situation by spying on her boyfriend. He lied about meeting a colleague for lunch. Maybe he lied because she's over-reacting, maybe she's spying because she has trust issues. Or he has form. Whatever neither is perfect in this situation.

Clearly men and women can be friends without straying over the boundaries. The world would be a very sad place if that wasn't possible. Some people struggle with that idea in principle or practice. Some posters just don't trust men not to misbehave. I do.

My own life would be very dull if I only ever could spend time with and have friendships with women outside of the home - I certainly would have struggled to sustain a career without being able to spend time on my own with men. (And no I couldn't summon a female friend for lunch instead!). I wouldn't lie about it to a partner though, but if anyone who I had a relationship with didn't like we lunching, drinking or being friends with a man I'd have dumped them. As I would if they checked my phone!

Life is so dull if we have to live in such female/male silos!

Kiltartan · 08/05/2019 15:39

Will nobody spare a thought for all the poor men who only wanted to make a friend?

It's a fair point actually, silver. Mn is full of female posters talking about their loneliness and inability to make friends. Are they disregarding half the human race?

And two friends of mine who are/have been SAHFs for extended periods found the school gate/baby/toddler group/playground very isolating at times because they were often the only men there, and felt they were seen as peculiar.

DecomposingComposers · 08/05/2019 15:44

And two friends of mine who are/have been SAHFs for extended periods found the school gate/baby/toddler group/playground very isolating at times because they were often the only men there, and felt they were seen as peculiar.

Tbf we can see why. Who could they have made friends with? Certainly not the mums - perish the very thought.

silver3 · 08/05/2019 15:49

Thankyou. There is s SAHD at DD’s prep who is clearly in need of support. I catch him I’m a mo and refer him to MN.

GreytExpectations · 08/05/2019 16:28

And two friends of mine who are/have been SAHFs for extended periods found the school gate/baby/toddler group/playground very isolating at times because they were often the only men there, and felt they were seen as peculiar*

This is a very good point. According to certain posters on this thread those dads wouldnt be able to be friends with the mums as its unacceptable. I feel bad for them as it must be so lonely but they do have penises so of course they would never be able to be friends with a woman for fear that they would end up shagging each other. Afterall, thats the only reason a man could ever be interesting to a woman, right?

Delatron · 08/05/2019 16:36

All this is not relevant to the thread as the DH has lied and ‘flirty’ messages have been exchanged. Or do we all exchange flirty messages with our (new) male friends and hide their existence from our partners?

GrumbleBumble · 08/05/2019 16:41

Silver don't worry a woman is no longer "ruined" by being seen with a man. Oh and ankles are A-OK in the 21st century too! Really life is so much easier if you just interact with people without worrying about being judged by strangers.