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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend going to lunch with female colleague.

530 replies

boyfriendwhatsapp · 06/05/2019 14:58

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my boyfriend. He had a conversation on WhatsApp with another woman that he then deleted, which set alarm bells ringing.

I’ve been monitoring the situation since, and another conversation appeared this morning. Basically I have gleaned from the conversation that they go for lunch together at work. He has never mentioned this colleague to me, and when I’ve asked him who he’s gone for lunch for he says, ‘nobody, I was on my own.’ She was quite flirty, putting all sad face emojis when he said he wouldn’t be in for lunch that day. He wasn’t flirty and replied quite matter of fact with her on this occasion, but the small part I saw of the deleted conversation was a bit flirty.

When we were discussing boundaries at the start of our relationship, I said I didn’t think it was appropriate for a man to take another woman out for sit down lunch/dinner, and pay for it. That I thought it was a bit weird and looks strange to outsiders as that’s something a typical couple would do. I was very clear with my opinion on it and he agreed with me. Now I’m concerned he’s basically agreed with me but now is lying and doing it behind my back anyway. As well as the deleted WhatsApp conversation with her previously, the whole thing just screams dodgy. Why lie about it? Maybe he is worried I’ll be paranoid when there’s nothing going on, but it’s even worse to lie and delete conversation?!

He is a lovely partner in all other regards though, perfect even. I’m not sure whether to confront him now or continue waiting and watching, as this may be something that is more serious than I know of at present.

OP posts:
silver3 · 08/05/2019 18:56

And I’ll tell my Mudlim friends who actually, for their own valid reasons, would not go for weekends away or be texting other men, to go back to the 50s because the world of MN has declared this is “sexist” and a slur on women who have male friends. Then we’ll all know where we stand.

silver3 · 08/05/2019 19:08

I could also tell my DH that the norms in his Middle Eastern culture do not fit the MN perspective to which all must strive to conform to.

IABUQueen · 08/05/2019 19:10

I don’t understand this piling on Silver. What’s been left in the 50s, or more so the stone ages, is the idea that there is only one right and everything else is wrong.

MumUnderTheMoon · 08/05/2019 19:14

Why are you reading his messages? Honestly he's probably lying because he doesn't want to deal with the fallout. It's completely to not allow your bf to have lunch with a female friend or colleague. He probably doesn't see it as a big deal, and at the time you expressed your view, he maybe didn't see the point in arguing about it.

silver3 · 08/05/2019 19:15

Thankyou IABU. I don’t mind getting a hard time, but this kind of hive mentality is exactly what blocks many of my friends who may have a different or more multi-cultural perspective from using this site. And I do think it’s a shame MN can’t be more tolerant of varying perspectives in 2919.

GreytExpectations · 08/05/2019 19:16

Love how you are now pulling the culture card. Its not about your life choices, its that you made insulting judgments on all women who have male friends silver.

Lifeover · 08/05/2019 19:17

No one should ever be told who they can and can’t be friends with. Male/female friendships are totally the norm amongst everyone I know including Muslim women which past posters seem to think is a no no!

I’m shocked anyone thinks gender is a factor in making friends.

silver3 · 08/05/2019 19:20

Well you can be shocked as much as you like, but surely the only shock should be the expectation that everyone should think the same.

Do you genuinely not think you’ve been insulting of my views Grey? Or is it a one-way street?

Lifeover · 08/05/2019 19:22

I also wonder what you do if you’re bi sexual. Are you not allowed to sit down and have a meal with anyone.? Is a stand up finger buffet ok???

Lifeover · 08/05/2019 19:26

Silver pretty sure controlling who a partner is allowed to be friends with falls within the definition of emotional abuse. So yes it’s right to be shocked people condone emotional abuse. A partner trying to control who you can and can’t be friends with is a major red flag.

IABUQueen · 08/05/2019 19:29

Well I for example had a female colleague ask my DH to go with her to play tennis and I asked him if he would be ok with me going with a certain colleague of mine to play tennis and he said no, so I asked him not to.

My own brother left his fiancé for his female coworker, who used to send him “innocent” Whatsapp messages demanding his attention all day.

My DH has a work colleague obsessively non love with him, she even asked him to reconsider not to marry me upon our wedding.. thankfully he filed a complaint..

These things happen in this day and age.

It is very easy for someone to feel a bit insecure if their partner isn’t being very transparent and he is surrounding himself with too much female attention that seems more than platonic. I would suggest OP trusts her instincts and just ask her partner to respect her feelings.

It won’t harm his “friendship” if he keeps his lunches as a group and cuts down on the one to one.

I would not be comfortable with my DH going on one to one lunches with a particular female colleague. And even if I’m irrational, I don’t think it would be controlling for him to respect my wish. Just like how I would not do so with a male colleague.

I would certainly go for a few odd lunches here and there on one to one basis. If circumstances call for it. But I would not have anything to hide from DH. As a package, I think this whole set up sounds like something I would be uncomfortable with.

GreytExpectations · 08/05/2019 19:30

Im not the one suggesting emotional abuse is ok. Nor am i making sweeping judgements about all men and women. Your views are offensive so yes i called you out on them.

hatemyhairhun · 08/05/2019 19:33

Going for lunch with colleagues of either sex is normal, imo. If you work nearby to cafes and restaurants, it’s just a natural lunch decision as opposed to just sitting in at work. Doesn’t mean they’re into each other and going on a date.

As far as payment goes, again I think that’s normal. It’s just societal expectations isn’t it? If you’re having lunch with colleagues, you’re going to offer to pay for them or evenly split, to not come across as broke or taking the p. I can easily imagine a typical British exchange about payment, this easily evolves into someone insisting on paying the full bill. I have done this before, even when broke, especially if going to a restaurant of my recommendation. If you throw in gender expectations of the man paying for the woman, I can see why he may have paid for her whilst not necessarily being into her.

silver3 · 08/05/2019 19:40

You just keep telling yourself that Grey.

IABUQueen · 08/05/2019 19:41

I can easily imagine a typical British exchange about payment, this easily evolves into someone insisting on paying the full bill.

Is that really a British thing ? It has certainly never happened to me.

GreytExpectations · 08/05/2019 19:42

Silver3 i dont need to. The fact is that the majority of posters on here disagree with you and your "views"

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 08/05/2019 19:44

As I said, very odd

Err no. That is what we are saying about your posts!

hatemyhairhun · 08/05/2019 19:45

@IABUQueen we must move in different circles then!

Delatron · 08/05/2019 19:46

Agree with IABUqueen

I think everyone is ignoring the fact he is going out with this woman what looks like every day. Hence the sad face texts when he can’t. It’s a very regular occurrence with a woman who looks to be quite taken with him, hence the flirty texts from her and sad face emojis.

silver3 · 08/05/2019 19:47

The “majority” of posters on here do not reflect the majority of posters in real life. You do realise that?

YemenRoadYemen · 08/05/2019 19:57

I think everyone is ignoring the fact he is going out with this woman what looks like every day. Hence the sad face texts when he can’t. It’s a very regular occurrence with a woman who looks to be quite taken with him, hence the flirty texts from her and sad face emojis

Exactly - everyone's sharing their irrelevant male/female friendships and ignoring the actual situation.

MenuPlant · 08/05/2019 19:58

I have always paid own part of bill for lunch with work mates

Anything else would be super weird

Bit worried about the social lives of bisexual people here, gotta be honest.

GreytExpectations · 08/05/2019 19:58

Sorry silver3, i had no idea you knew how the general public felt!

SoupDragon · 08/05/2019 20:02

The “majority” of posters on here do not reflect the majority of posters in real life. You do realise that?

You realise that posters are just ordinary people, right? Just like in real life. Even if I didn't post on MN my opinions would still be the same.

silver3 · 08/05/2019 20:02

It’s obvious MN does not reflect the general population! It’s nearly all women for a start. Middle-aged, mainly white British.