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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 12:31

And OP. The first signs of the destruction this WILL cause you is you feeling the need to 1. explain that you did nothing to encourage flirtation and 2. explain that you weren't wearing anything revealing.

NEVER EVER EVER EVER AGAIN FEEL THE NEED TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT TO US. HOW? BY GETTING RID OF THIS BASTARD TODAY. NOW. BY TEXT.

Then pull out of the house purchase, sort the kids out etc., but get this piece of VERMIN out of your life now.

Sorry that I sound over-invested, but my ex stole 7 years of my life from me - from 32 to 39. Don't don't don't please don't fall into this hole.

Sarcelle · 06/05/2019 12:31

Ditch him fast. Do not tether yourself to him. He sees you as property not a person. You would be foolish (understatement) to carry on with this relationship.

DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 12:31

Nice to see the manhaters out in full force as usual.

Manhaters? I tend to like the vast majority of men. That's why I'm not bothered if they find me attractive.

And I expect to be with someone who is man enough not to be bothered by it, and even like it.

RoyalChocolat · 06/05/2019 12:33

Red flag.

It is only going to get worse.

I am a few years down the line. I am not allowed to wear skirts above mid-calf or lipstick (or rather, DH throws a massive strop and sulks for days if I do, so I have stopped Sad).

Now it is escalating again : he is starting to sulk if I wax my legs or if I have a shower too often for his taste.

I would probably have run away years ago if we did not have children.

SmileEachDay · 06/05/2019 12:33

Nice to see the manhaters out in full force as usual

You have low standards for men - most people on here are expressing that the behaviour of the OPs fiancé is unacceptable and not reflective of what they would expect from a man.

I’m not sure why you think that is man hating?

VeronicaDinner · 06/05/2019 12:33

In fairness, I had a boyfriend in my twenties who did something like this as an isolated incident and never repeated it. I was being heavily pursued by a man in a bar and he was overcome with jealousy.

But on the other hand, I've also had another boyfriend who did similar (I am approached a lot when out) and he turned out to be a maniac who ended up locking me in the house and refusing for me to speak to anyone.

But this is conclusively a red flag and you need to be very careful how this plays out.

Nanny0gg · 06/05/2019 12:34

manhaters?

You think in any way what he said was acceptable? Of course she should ditch.

OP as long as you haven't exchanged yet, walking away is doable.

I'm sorry for you and the children though.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 06/05/2019 12:34

Why is it on threads like these the woman outraged are considered as "Man haters"

I'm not a man hater, I just have fucking boundaries and having an objection to being called a slag and blamed for another's issues is one of them.

Propertywoes · 06/05/2019 12:34

He thinks he's got his feet under the table so now he's showing his true colours. You can do way, way better than him. Unless you've exchanged on the house, pull out. Don't commit to him. He will get worse. He thinks you should apologize for his mood. He didn't think he did anything wrong.

Livpool · 06/05/2019 12:34

I would run. He sounds controlling. And it will only get worse.

If he had apologised first thing and was willing to see why he reacted this way then perhaps I would give him a second chance. However, his reaction today tells you everything

AssassinatedBeauty · 06/05/2019 12:35

Man haters? Yeah. I had men who call their dearest "slags" and who get irrationally angry when their dearest is behaving utterly normally.

OhTheTiles · 06/05/2019 12:35

Very sorry, it sounds like your relationship is over. Huge red flag.
Calling you a slag as your relationship starts to get more serious, he thinks you’re trapped so he can show his true colours.

Halo84 · 06/05/2019 12:35

I am not a man hater. I’ve been married over three decades and my husband would never be verbally abusive. I just think in this case, there is an indication of things to come.

LonginesPrime · 06/05/2019 12:36

He's a massive misogynist, and I agree with others that he let his guard down as he thinks he's got you locked in with the house purchase.

At least you know now.

Nanny0gg · 06/05/2019 12:36

@RoyalChocolat

I am a few years down the line. I am not allowed to wear skirts above mid-calf or lipstick (or rather, DH throws a massive strop and sulks for days if I do, so I have stopped sad)
Now it is escalating again : he is starting to sulk if I wax my legs or if I have a shower too often for his taste.
I would probably have run away years ago if we did not have children.

I know it's easier to say than do, but you still can. You don't want your sons emulating him or him treating daughters the same way.

LonelyGir1 · 06/05/2019 12:37

I'm sorry RoyalChocolat

I hope you're able to plan a safe way of leaving in future.

Mustgetonwithit · 06/05/2019 12:37

Its starts like this. Next it will be when you have a friendly chat with a supermarket cashier...etc...
The fact that he blames you entirely speaks volumes. As he gets older it will only get worse esp because of the age gap. Some men are ok with age gap but if he is already at this stage it will only get worse. It may even get worse once you move in together. A bit like people who are able to put a front on at work but arent able to at home. I hope you decide to end this.

AssassinatedBeauty · 06/05/2019 12:38

I also have no idea how anyone could be expected to talk to this man, when he is not at all apologetic and continues with his unfounded allegations today.

At most, I'd respond by text saying that I would like to talk about it, but that's not possible whilst he continues to make unpleasant accusations and isn't apologetic for his behaviour.

DpWm · 06/05/2019 12:38

"you were practically purring like a cat"

Well. He's told you who he is.
He's a man who can't tolerate an attractive, polite, confident woman. You need to either be brought down to his level, eg be unnatractive, have inferiority complexes, and be rude, and stay with him, or be your gorgeous self and fuck him off.

Holidayshopping · 06/05/2019 12:38

We’re in the process of buying a house together

Then stop the process and pull out.

If you continue with the relationship now, he will think his behaviour is acceptable and it will continue.

DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 12:38

Look, anyone can have a jealous fit. We all get irrational sometimes.

And then, when you cool off, you apologise profusely, say that you've been an idiot, and grovel.

What's troubling here is that not only did he not apologise, he insisted, the following day, that it was the OP's fault for "behaving like candy" (how does candy behave??) and "almost purring like a cat".

So he thinks he's in the right. He thinks the OP did something wrong. He thinks there's something wrong with a woman being attractive. That's the way he thinks.

And that's why you need to get out of there FAST, OP, before everything becomes much more complicated.

SlowStarters · 06/05/2019 12:39

@HarryElephante

To minimise his comment because it's 'only' one event in four years is a dangerous way to think.

Emotionally abusive men aren't abusive until they call their fiance a slag.

Violently abusive men aren't violent until they slap or punch their partner.

Once they show you who they are, it's up to you to recognise it.

One abusive comment will usually lead to another, just as one attack will usually lead to another.

It is not okay to be called a slag by the person you are buying a house with and intending to marry. No matter whether you've been a top class, perfect partner for years and years.

If all women (and men) refused to accept or enable abusive partners, then all the bastard ones would be single and have only their own insecurity and issues to keep them company.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 12:39

My ex robbed what should have been the best decade of my life. Now I'm in my forties, and I'm finding myself again. I've restored my confidence and I'm building my self esteem up again.

Beware of some posters on here. There are women who think that his jealousy is a form of flattery. You sound like an intelligent woman. Please listen to the majority of us. We're in the majority for a reason.

AngeloMysterioso · 06/05/2019 12:40

Please don’t marry him OP. If this is how he treats you before you’re legally bound to each other what on earth will he be like if you are?

What sort of father will he be to daughters if this is his attitude, and the way he speaks to a woman he’s supposed to love?

What sort of sons will he raise if they grow up seeing him behaving this way and getting away with it?

DpWm · 06/05/2019 12:40

FWIW my DP is 15 years older than me and he treats me like a goddess. Don't blame the age gap. He's just a dick.