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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 12:17

This is probably the only thing I have experience of in terms of perceived red flags and believe me, there's a tornado siren blaring from my laptop.

I had one of these men. He never got annoyed at first - just 'jokingly jealous'. Then he got annoyed. It eventually got to him telling me I was tarting myself up for the men at work when I'd be getting ready to go to work.

It becomes soul destroying. It shatters your confidence and makes you feel like a piece of meat. And worse than that, a piece of meat trying to sell yourself.

Run like hell OP. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Blueeyesdarkhair · 06/05/2019 12:19

So it’s a bit more complicated than just cutting my losses and moving on. We’re in the process of buying a house together

No, unless you’ve signed contracts, it really isn’t. This is s massive red flag, don’t ignore this, you have the chance to get out of this now!

JenMumma · 06/05/2019 12:20

Ha ! He's very insecure bless him. NEVER apologise for being secure and confident, there's NOT ENOUGH of it around in my opinion. I'm with somebody who's proud of me. Don't let him make you think you did ANYTHING and as far as "your behviour" , he's the only one exhibiting "behaviour". Don't stand for this and don't apologise or pacify. If he has any sense he'll know he's being ridiculous and jealous. Hope you're feeling as ok as you can be xx

CupoTeap · 06/05/2019 12:21

Showing his true colours a little early, he was waiting till you moved in!

DanielRicciardosSmile · 06/05/2019 12:22

At what point in the house purchase are you at OP?

This site gives you some information that may be helpful: www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2017/can-i-pull-out-of-a-property-sale-or-purchase/

Angelf1sh · 06/05/2019 12:23

God please don’t buy a house with, or marry, this man! I can’t believe he called you a slag, stormed off and is still acting like he’s in the right this morning! If it were me he could get his car and fuck off and never come back.

b0bb1n · 06/05/2019 12:23

While it was unfair of him to react that way and blame it on you, he obviously was left feeling very embarrassed, insecure, very old and possibly very sh*t about himself because of those guys overlooking him to flirt with you, his beloved fiance. I wouldn't dump a whole relationship because of this, we have all reacted in anger when feeling hurt and said and done things we regret.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 12:24

@JenMumma
This isn't insecurity - this is an indicator of a controlling and abusive bastard. Believe me. This is only the start of it. Only the start.

You've got to end the relationship. FUCK THE HOUSE. The kids will be fine. What won't be fine is YOU. 2 years down the line, you'll be a depressed, blithering mess. That's what these bastards do to you. They destroy you. Utterly make you into a shell of your former self.
Please don't allow this to happen to you.

LonelyGir1 · 06/05/2019 12:24

This is about him (and his insecurities), not whether you did something wrong.

I had dated someone who did the same thing. I brushed it off as there weren't other signs, and I didn't want to overreact. I should have taken that evening as the red flag that it was. 3 years later, engaged, months from our wedding and I was lucky to leave the relationship alive.

Sybelline · 06/05/2019 12:24

he obviously was left feeling very embarrassed, insecure, very old and possibly very sht about himself because of those guys overlooking him to flirt with you, his beloved fiance.*

Or as he probably refers to her, his 'beloved slag'.

Justaboy · 06/05/2019 12:24

Just what does this man expect?. He has an attractive lady and some other rnen look at her and are attacted to her?.

Its just natural FCS!

He then calls her a slag???

He sure does not know how to appricate her and in my opinion does not deserve her. He should be worshipping the air she breathes and the ground she walks on.

Go OP leave him, you deserve so much better:)

Wally:(

gamerwidow · 06/05/2019 12:25

OP hold onto this anger because in a few days time he will be begging you back saying that he is sorry and he can’t help being insecure and it’s not you he doesn’t trust it’s the other men blah blah blah.
This means nothing, he won’t be sorry and he will do it again.
Consider this a lucky escape imagine how much harder it will be to leave when you have bought that house together.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 12:25

Bobbin - that's a load of pure and utter bullshite. I swear to God I could write a dissertation on this sort of behaviour. This is the tip of a very large and very ugly and dangerous iceberg.

gamerwidow · 06/05/2019 12:26

he obviously was left feeling very embarrassed, insecure, very old and possibly very sht about himself because of those guys overlooking him to flirt with you, his beloved fiance*
All of which are his shit to deal with and have nothing to do with the OP.

DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 12:26

While it was unfair of him to react that way and blame it on you, he obviously was left feeling very embarrassed, insecure, very old and possibly very sht about himself because of those guys overlooking him to flirt with you, his beloved fiance. I wouldn't dump a whole relationship because of this, we have all reacted in anger when feeling hurt and said and done things we regret.*

Yeah? And the following day, after cooling down, you've stillblamed the person in question because they were "behaving like candy" and "purring like a cat"?

We all feel insecure sometimes. That doesn't give us the right to insult other people, much less demand that they change their behaviour.

Please don't listen to this misogynistic crap, OP.

SmileEachDay · 06/05/2019 12:26

his beloved fiance

Who he called a slag - a misogynistic word that speaks volumes about his attitude towards women in general and about “his woman” in particular.

Rainbunny · 06/05/2019 12:26

Sorry but I'd be out of this relationship asap! Frankly the fact that he thinks the fact that you are attractive means you must be asking for male attention is a massive sign on his insecurity. I know people can change in theory but... I'm cynical about that at this point in my life. I think his insecurity about you will get worse not better to be honest. Ironically, I'm sure it was your youthful attractiveness that partly attracts him to you but now he resents you for it.

Your are 31 so he must 43 right? He is at a stage where his youthful looks/physique may be starting to fade. I'm 43 and trust me I hate what's happening to my looks/figure. I'm quietly mourning the slow fading of my youthful good looks (was never a model type but I scrubbed up well and was in good shape). My point is that it sounds like he resents you because you are something he will never be again - young and attractive.

I know that many age-difference relationships work out but I also know anecdotally of the problems that arise when the younger partner is in their fifties and still full of life whereas their older partner is in the late 60's/early 70's and dealing with health issues. My aunt always warned me never to end up like her, she was in just such a situation. She always regrets that her DH stopped her from having more than one child because he didn't want anymore as he would have been in his fifties by that time. I'm sure many people will disagree with me but I've always avoided dating someone significantly older than me for these reasons.

sackrifice · 06/05/2019 12:26

So it’s a bit more complicated than just cutting my losses and moving on. We’re in the process of buying a house together

It's not that complicated. He is relying on you not backing out to accept this abusive behaviour. It always escalates when they think they've 'got you'.

Stop buying the house together and stay where you are.

HarryElephante · 06/05/2019 12:26

He let his mask slip and you saw the real man for the first time

Yes.4 years together and one night defines this man. The rest is all an act.

You have a very small window of opportunity to get the hell out of there

You have an hour only. After that, you are trapped for life.

In short. Take most of the advice on here with a pinch of salt.

Talk to him.

JenMumma · 06/05/2019 12:28

@AginNAgin naturally you're entitled to your opinion of it being an indicator and me to mine when I say he's insecure, also the two aren't mutually exclusive.

Supergrassyknoll · 06/05/2019 12:28

Please please please end this. You deserve to be treated with respect and love, neither of which he showed you last night or whenever it was. He sounds like an insecure jealous misogynistic old bastard and you sound like a lovely woman.

gamerwidow · 06/05/2019 12:29

HarryElephante

You obviously know fuck all about abusive relationships or coercive control otherwise you wouldn’t be posting such bullshit.

DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 12:29

Yes.4 years together and one night defines this man. The rest is all an act.

Replace "one night" by "one beating".

Yes, one night, and one action, and even one sentence can define a person. And no, the rest is not necessarily an act, but it's not all there is.

I ended a relationship, after many years, because of one action on the other person's part. Which was enough to show me the kind of person he was. And no, it was not a beating or an insult, but it was just as revealing.

And I seriously doubt there has been absolutely nothing like this before. The OP has probably overlooked it because it seemed so tiny.

b0bb1n · 06/05/2019 12:30

Nice to see the manhaters out in full force as usual. OP you don't need to listen to complete strangers telling you what to do concerning your relationship, home, future. That's between you and your partner.

Sybelline · 06/05/2019 12:31

'manhaters'