Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
FilthyforFirth · 06/05/2019 12:40

Do you have a daughter OP? Imagine the advice you would give her in this situation. This is a blessing in disguise. Get out now. Your children will adapt and will be pleased you did when they are old enough to understand.

Walkaround · 06/05/2019 12:40

Absolutely no way would I buy a house with a man who called me a slag. Yes, I can see it would hurt his ego that he has had a night of being told by both friends and strangers that he is punching above his weight, but this is not your fault or problem. He has no right to try to reduce his sense of insecurity by diminishing you.

Sybelline · 06/05/2019 12:40

RoyalChocolat, I hope you formulate a plan to get out of there. No one should have to live like that.

Biancadelrioisback · 06/05/2019 12:41

Sorry, I'm still laughing at the arsehole on here who thinks that once you have a baby you stop going to bars.... I say this as someone with a toddler currently playing with my hair as I nurse a hangover

Merryoldgoat · 06/05/2019 12:41

Well. I’m usually very intolerant of this kind of shitty behavioir.

I MIGHT be able to look over a BIT of silliness if it was genuinely out of character followed by a proper conversation, an admission of insecurity and a genuine unprompted apology.

Accompanied by the nastiness and calling you a slag I’d have no truck with it at all. He’s absolutely testing you.

I don’t go out much, but when I do my DH tells me I look lovely, puffs me up so I feel good, and tells me to have a lovely time. Men rarely chat me up nowadays but when they did he didn’t give a shit.

Acis · 06/05/2019 12:41

once you have a few children you won't be in bars anyway so in a sense it cuold be a totally irrelevant issue

Strange idea of the consequences of having children, but in any event keeping out of bars is not going to keep this sort of man happy. He'll start imagining OP is flirting every time they go out of the front door, will assume she's trying to attract school run fathers and male teachers, she won't be able to be polite to male shop assistants without being a slag in his eyes.

backburner · 06/05/2019 12:42

If he had punched you in the face for the first time after 4 lovely years what would you do ?

TriciaH87 · 06/05/2019 12:42

What you do is end the relationship before he puts a wedding ring on your finger. This screams control freak. Before you know it he will be controlling everything you wear then when you wear something he does not like and he hits you he will say his sorry but you prevoked him by dressing that way. If you stay I guartee soon enough he will turn violent. Get out before your tied to him for life with kids at least if you go now you can have a family with someone who is not going to emotionally abuse you whilst dictating your every move. Stay and you will soon be a shell of the person you are living in fear.

Merryoldgoat · 06/05/2019 12:42

Sorry, I'm still laughing at the arsehole on here who thinks that once you have a baby you stop going to bars.... I say this as someone with a toddler currently playing with my hair as I nurse a hangover

I know - my DH is ‘on duty’ the morning after I’ve been out to make bacon sandwiches and look after the kids.

Onecutefox · 06/05/2019 12:43

OP, he says he is sick of it. Tell him to fuck off and give him no more answers. You need to end this relationship before he starts physically abusing you. Just end it.

HarryElephante · 06/05/2019 12:44

Replace "one night" by "one beating

Except it wasn't a beating.

Christ.

Minkies11 · 06/05/2019 12:44

Cut all ties with him OP. He sees you as a possession that is only for him. In 20 years time after destroying your self esteem he'll probably fuck off with an even younger woman. Knob.
And he's probably hopping that you haven't crawled and apologised....

Jux · 06/05/2019 12:45

Run for the hills.
Grieve.
Be grateful.

Do those things in that order.

I'm so sorry. Better you do it now though. Flowers

pointythings · 06/05/2019 12:45

You know what, my late H only threatened to kill me once in our 25 year relationship. Maybe I should have given him a second chance instead of calling the police on him.

See what I did there?

Ignore the appeasers, run for the hills.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 06/05/2019 12:46

Do not be in when he calls for the car
Deck the house buying
Run for the hills
Imagine 40 years of this
Thats what you are signing up for!

Whisky2014 · 06/05/2019 12:46

Nice to see the manhaters out in full force as usual.
oh, the male apologist has turned up, I see.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 12:47

It's a gradual process that eventually erodes you completely.

I swear to God, I'm pleading with you - please listen to what we're saying. Or listen to yourself even. We're just validating what you know yourself. YOU knew it wasn't right. YOU started the thread. YOU came to this conclusion all by your lovely intelligent self. Listen to your head.

I hope we're helping somewhat, no matter how awful you must be feeling right now at the prospect of your relationship ending.

Just don't follow in my footsteps. It's a miserable horrible road with a horrific destination.

SlowStarters · 06/05/2019 12:47

@HarryElephante

Except it wasn't a beating. Christ.

Do you really think emotional abuse is less traumatic than physical abuse?

IhavetoD0something · 06/05/2019 12:47

What on earth is the point of dating an older man if he's going to behave like an insecure teenager. And to be honest that's offensive to a lot of teenagers as I had a couple of boyfriends in my late teens and neither of them ever projected their insecurities on to me.

I would try to back out of that relationship.

MrsMozartMkII · 06/05/2019 12:48

Exit stage left lass.

If it'd just been insecurities and this morning he'd apologised profusely and talked to you, and accepted that he was totally out if order with what he said, then I'd say go with your gut, whichever way that is. However, given that he's continued to be an absolute arse, definitely exit.

Halo84 · 06/05/2019 12:49

No Elephant, he didn’t. But what he did was just as unconscionable.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 06/05/2019 12:49

He’s pathetically insecure and jealous, and blaming you for that.

IhavetoD0something · 06/05/2019 12:50

He called you a slag?!

Omg. Run. for. the. hills.

I had a bf who turned out to be very controlling and emotionally and financially abusive, he also used the threat of his temper/rage to keep me in line and even he never called me a 'slag'. That is the absolutely depths of misogyny. Please get out of this situation. I won't even call it a relationship.

skybluee · 06/05/2019 12:51

OP, I know it's so very hard but deep down I think you know this isn't right. How he acted on that night and how he's acted the next day. Those are his true feelings towards you under it all, it's obvious he's thought like that before and not said it.

My opinion is to break it off. You do not want your children being around that or being influenced by that, and believe me they will be.

You deserve better than being spoken to like that.
You did nothing wrong.

It is indicative of his general thoughts towards women and it is sad.

EleanorReally · 06/05/2019 12:52

believe it or not, that used to happen to me.
probably made DH's head swell

your dp reaction is foul op.

Swipe left for the next trending thread