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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
Koskenkorva · 06/05/2019 21:34

Perfect, Schadenfreude.

Harebel · 06/05/2019 22:06

Please don't entertain the idea of going to couples counselling (as suggested by PP) with someone who called you a slag and said you were purring when receiving compliments from others.

You're not his property. I'd bin the flowers.

Passtherioja · 06/05/2019 22:14

Thisischeese

Just one thing to consider. All the advice to leave is because we stayed...and lived to regret it. Are there any posts that say they gave their OH another chance and he changed ...nope..I don't think so! We stayed and learnt that they don't change and we're trying to save you the distress and heart ache that brings (particularly once you've married them!!)

StuckInsideAnEcho · 06/05/2019 22:32

I had more than one ex like this, OP, get rid of him. Hell come crawling back with an excuse about how he just worries someone will hurt you etc. It's bullshit. You can't control being you, you made an effort for him, he's a tosser.

IAmNOTBent · 06/05/2019 22:34

You are not 'his' to have over other men. You are you and can choose who to be with. You chose not to be with those other men and to tell them you were with him and that STILL wasn't enough. He's not someone you want to belong to.

Ginkeepsmesane · 06/05/2019 22:51

Please please do not allow this man back.
I did, I bought the house, planned a future Inc the DC and got lumbered with £30k worth of debt and no way of paying it back. Am free of the bastard so some silver lining I suppose.

Can I take a wild guess and ask whether he was using some nose candy on the night out too?
That stuff changes people in an instant and was a massive game changer in my ex for bringing out this awful behaviour every time.

RhiWrites · 06/05/2019 23:02

I can imagine my partner being hurt if he thought I was intentionally flirting with other guys, I can even imagine him getting angry if he thought I was trying to hurt him. I can’t imagine him calling me a slag. That comes over particularly badly to me. It’s not just the word that’s crude, it’s the whole way of thinking about women,

If he’s now saying he’s sorry he called you a slag, that just means that currently he doesn’t consider you one, right? He could change his mind again.

Clearoutre · 06/05/2019 23:10

Don’t marry someone you wouldn’t want to be divorced from - same sentiment for buying a house together.

Sounds like he has an unsavoury streak, possibly due past issues that he’s still ‘dealing with’, and is making you deal with them instead.

losingfaith · 06/05/2019 23:41

My jaw hit the ground when I read he carried on blaming you this morning after he'd had time to sober up and give his head a wobble.

Sounds like he is testing boundaries. You not cowering to him has probably made him back peddle as he knows he has gone too far. If he felt that confident being so nasty in front of people he is likely to be capable of much more behind closed doors when no one is around. He obviously has issues, but that isn't your problem and you're not his punching bag.

IAmNotAWitch · 07/05/2019 00:04

A man who spoke to me like that, would not get a chance to do it again.

Once is enough, you don't have to wait around to see if he repeats the behaviour.

RuffleCrow · 07/05/2019 09:04

You're on the first curve of the abusive cycle. It might take months or maybe a year to come full circle again but if you stay with him you'll get there eventually. And you'll be that much older and that much more ground down by him.

Why not take a break, do the Freedom Programme and see how you feel after that? There's bound to be a course running near you?

NannyRed · 07/05/2019 09:32

You just described one night I had with a guy 30+ years ago. I was being chatted up, I was trying to ignore the creep and my boyfriend blamed me. I left the evening and walked home to have my bathroom door smashed in by my bf because I had locked the door to use the toilet.
The next day he apologised and promised he’d never lose his temper like that again. I believed him and married him. My life was hell.

Glad to say I finally saw sense and divorced him but I really could have avoided all the years of heartache if I’d dumped him instead of settling down with him.

If he blames you for looking nice on a night out, your do will blame you for everything that goes wrong in the future. Do yourself a favour and get rid.

ptumbi · 07/05/2019 09:53

Cheese - if you think this really is a one off, that he has never done anything like it before, that he was stressed/wound up/blahWoteva - do the Freedom program. Do some research. Read the Relationships boards. Maybe give him another chance (CLOSELY watched for any more Red Flags) and get counselling for yourself.

But for gods sake don't buy a house with his man. Not yet. Put it on hold for the forseeable. Step right back from him. Let him see the consequences. IF he is a 'good man' (He isn't) then he might take this chance to set himself straight.

But a PP is right - (If he is a controlling abusing bully) he may start thinking that you are not the right one for him (Hooray!) and start looking for a more amenable target. Be prepared for little digs and snide remarks to test your boundaries. Be prepared for you to fail to reach his benchmark (Of being cowed and malleable and so desperately 'in love' that you put with anything)

GirlcalledJack · 07/05/2019 10:30

Even though it won't feel like it right now it's really lucky he showed you this side before the house see and marriage had happened.

I think really you should cut your losses and bin him, but if you want to give it another go and feel he is remorseful then I would suggest pulling out of the house move and cancelling the engagement. Go back to casual dating again and see if his behaviour really is remorseful and if it really was just an incredibly bad fuck up.
He may have learnt a valuable lesson but then does it show the type of person he is that he even needed to learn the lesson in the first place?

MadeForThis · 07/05/2019 13:23

I'd be concerned that he was only saying what was necessary to win you back. He tried to maintain that he was right and that didn't work so he's changed tactics.

So what if his friends were winding him up. That doesn't excuse him attacking you. And continue to do so the next day.

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 07/05/2019 13:29

Can I take a wild guess and ask whether he was using some nose candy on the night out too?
No not at all, he’s very anti drugs and has never touched the stuff so it definitely wasn’t because of that.

I really appreciate all the advice but I’m unsure why everyone is suggesting I go to counselling it do the freedom programme? It was one incident and one vile word, I’ve dealt with it and my boundaries are firmly in place. I have never been the victim of abuse and I won’t tolerate it. So counselling seems a bit extreme.
I haven’t spoken to him since... I will have to because of circumstances such as the house and also to exchange each other’s things.
It’s so sad that 4 perfect years could be ruined so easily.

OP posts:
Mumof3dragons · 07/05/2019 13:38

Counselling is far from extreme if you stay with the fucker.

AgentPeggyCarter · 07/05/2019 13:43

Maybe I've misread, but I don't think Cheese IS staying with him?

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 07/05/2019 13:46

Who said I was staying with him?
I don’t feel traumatised by the incident. Sad and hurt yes, but I don’t think my judgement it off when it comes to men in general.
Like I said this is the first incident in a 4 year relationship and it’ll be the last

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 07/05/2019 14:01

I don’t think you should speak to him. You can call off your end of the deal by calling your estate agent/ solicitor and say you’re no longer willing to buy but your ex is welcome to on his own if he’s able to.

Pack his things and leave them at his door.

Men like this are often manipulative, you should absolutely not be alone with him.

Jux · 07/05/2019 14:08

Well done Cheese, and you sound very together. As you know, there are plenty of men who are worth having and you'll not be alone longer thanyou want to be.

Good luck and keep strong

MRex · 07/05/2019 14:10

You've done well @ThisIsCheese, it's great that you know how to protect yourself by moving on like this. It's difficult to move on from a relationship however terribly it's ended and it's ok to feel sad about it even though you know that getting back with him would be a mistake. I hope you have some good friends to take you out and have some fun, plus friends or family to support you when you collect your things. You have loads of time to meet the true love of your life. Best of luck to you!

therewasaspider · 07/05/2019 14:19

If you stay with him it won't be the last time he says it. It'll be his way of demeaning and controlling you when he's pissed off.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 07/05/2019 14:29

Good for you Cheese, you’re worth so much more than that.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/05/2019 14:52

A question OP.

Imagine you are off on a night out again this weekend, with you dp and some his or your friends, same ‘kind of night’, would you be happy and comfortable to wear the same thing, same make up and hair etc, or would you now change your behaviour/wardrobe/the way you looked etc?

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