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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
saffy1234 · 06/05/2019 18:46

Ps
Im now married to a wonderful man and father.
X

saffy1234 · 06/05/2019 18:47

@ThisIsCheese yes it was awful.
However i know its not so easy to just 'leave' but i think it sounds like the right decision.

DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 18:51

He has been trying to apologise all day. Texts, calls, messages on SM. I went out with the kids for a walk and came back to a big bunch of flowers on the doorstep. He’s a walking cliché.

Expect the suicide attempt next (and don't fall for it, of course).

It doesn't matter if his ex was a nymphomaniac who slept with half the town. It's just a great excuse for him.

OrchidInTheSun · 06/05/2019 18:52

No, he hasn't been apologising all day. He didn't start apologising until 1pm. He told you that you were practically purring at midday. He's started apologising and backtracking because he's realised he's crossed a line,not because he thinks he's done anything wrong.

tigerbear · 06/05/2019 18:54

Jesus Christ, bin the fucker!

MsTSwift · 06/05/2019 19:03

There are lots of other men who are far better. Don’t sell yourself short. What gave me strength to bin was asking myself “is this man good enough to be the father of my children?” If no move on fast

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 19:03

Well of course he bought you flowers lol! A nasty bastard wouldn't buy you flowers now would he?? There there you silly girl.

SmileEachDay · 06/05/2019 19:11

What has he apologised for exactly?

I mean specifically, what has he said?

Happynow001 · 06/05/2019 19:17

I refuse to be “punished” for doing absolutely nothing wrong. He can fuck off to the far side of fuck as far as I’m concerned.
Yours is absolutely the right response OP. This man is supposed to love and care for you. He's supposed to be proud of you. Instead he is belittling and vile towards you.

In your shoes I'd consider the relationship over because what he said and, worse, what he called you "a slag" was a disgrace.

Stiffasaboard message at 17:09
OP the DH's response to his son in this post is how a normal male would react. This is how your jealous and manipulative partner should have behaved.

I do wonder if her behaviour has had an impact on his security and self esteem but the way he acted last night / early this morning was wholly unacceptable and inexcusable
Yes totally unacceptable, inexcusable and, IMO, unforgivable.

I truly believe his behaviour is just tip of the iceberg and that, If you forgave him and enmeshed your lives, finances and children, you would be trapped and he'd have you exactly where he wants you.

Please find a way to get away from him because the all-round cost to your sense of self, finances and emotional safety for you and your children would be so much worse than it is now.

Strength to you my dear. 🌹

wildcherries · 06/05/2019 19:17

Hold on to the fact that what he said was inexcusable.

I once, when I was much younger, said no to having sex with a boyfriend because he'd made me feel worthless to his friends all evening. He didn't take no for an answer. I fought him off and was accused of giving him blue balls and being unfair.

I left. He stalked me and had flowers delivered to my door and was all apologetic. He didn't mean it. It's a script.

'Slag' is a horrible, horrible word, and his actions today seems to be all about worming his way back in ... except, when he shamed and blamed you, that is. He isn't a good man, based on his actions, and his issues about the ex isn't an excuse or a reason to be awful to you.

Please think more of yourself than to stay with him.

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 19:19

What has he apologised for exactly?

For talking to me like that, using that derogatory language and for acting angrily when I had done literally nothing wrong

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 06/05/2019 19:19

My dh ex was unfaithful and broke his heart. I never heard him criticise her once he has never used ugly words to describe anyone let alone women had lots of genuine female friends and a brilliant father to daughters. I don’t like hearing op parroting his “explanations” for his vile behaviour

C0untDucku1a · 06/05/2019 19:21

cheese what are you going to do?

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 19:22

I am simply repeating what he’s said / done because people have asked. It doesn’t mean it’s working or I’ve forgiven him

OP posts:
LL83 · 06/05/2019 19:23

I would ask what has changed between lunchtime when he said you were enjoying the attention and now.

Why didn't he wake up sorry? It is only when he realised you weren't going to take his nonsense he backed down.

cstaff · 06/05/2019 19:28

What LL83 said. He only apologised when he realised he was getting nowhere. He doesn't deserve you and it only goes downhill from here.

Ginkypig · 06/05/2019 19:30

To add to what orchid is saying.

My view is that he had no intention of apologising, he woke up full of indignation as orchid stated he at lunchtime was still insulting you but you confused him you didn't react in the way he expected by crawling and apologising so he has shit himself and realised if he doesn't backtrack he might actually lose you.

He has then been left with pretend he is sorry so he then has time to "work" on you or think fuck it I'll find someone who will bend.

SmileEachDay · 06/05/2019 19:30

For talking to me like that, using that derogatory language and for acting angrily when I had done literally nothing wrong

Ok. It’s good that he has done that, rather than giving you a half arsed “I’m sorry you felt...” qualified bullshit apology.

I wonder if it might be worth having a few couples counselling sessions? What I’m hearing from you is that this feels deeply out of character and is a “one off”?

If so, perhaps some counselling would help you decide how you feel and underline the scale of the fuck up to him?

It really depends on whether you want to continue in a relationship with him.

GabsAlot · 06/05/2019 19:44

your behaviour? so he thinks u always do this so his apology for last night means nothing

Propertywoes · 06/05/2019 19:58

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that his current behaviour is anything to do with the way his ex treated him. His actions are his responsibility and if he is so damaged by his previous relationship then he's clearly not ready to be in this one. She is not responsible for his treating you abysmally. I would bet that he treated her badly as well.

IncrediblySadToo · 06/05/2019 20:13

Honestly & bluntly... you’d be an absolute fool to stay with him.

He has shown you who he really is. All the apologising in the world won’t change it.

I’m not buying the ‘poor insecure me’ routine, but either way, when HE was insecure/pissed off he called you a slag, accused you of purring & playing up to other men, etc.

I know it’s hard to leave when you both have kids, are engaged and are buying a house. However, it’s not going to be easier once you’re married, have bought the house and have another child.

If you stay with him, you are KNOWINGLY signing up for fifty years of this shit and even worse, signing your kids up for this shit.

Really, walk away now before it gets any more complicated. Do not let embarrassment or sunken costs (emotionally) make you forgive him.

babies4everx · 06/05/2019 20:18

It will may get worse. Starts with this and could progress over years. And then your married and it's even more difficult. To call someone you love a slag because of some attention is disgusting and shows a lot about the person he is. It's just one colour showing. I bet he has many more hidden if that is his behaviour over a situation like that. He will probably tell u he's sorry and he didn't mean it and he was out of order. But then again he'll say it on the next argument you have too where this time he maybe calls you something worse

It is a red flag.

Onecutefox · 06/05/2019 20:35

Body-building thug beat up girlfriend and gouged her eyes 'until they nearly popped out' then kept her prisoner for three days to hide injuries because she 'liked' friends' Facebook posts
www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6997097/Body-building-thug-beat-girlfriend-kept-prisoner-hide-injuries.html

Gosh, what jealousy can do to people! Poor woman. Sorry to post it her but just wanted to show there are twisted people in every culture.

Erythronium · 06/05/2019 20:38

If he can't tell the difference between you and his ex, that's yet another red flag. Women aren't interchangeable but to misogynists they are.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/05/2019 21:16

Why not tell him that you have been thinking about what he said - that his friends say he is punching above his weight and you have realised that they are right and you can do better.

Thank him for bringing it to your attention, because you'd never even thought of it, and it might have been 20 - 30 years before you cottoned on, but thanks to his outburst you had your eyes opened to the fact that you are at least an 9, and he is barely a 3.

For his own sake, you are releasing him back into the wild to find someone more suited to him. He wouldn't have been happy with your after the first 30/40 years anyway. It's kinder in the long run.

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