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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
Stiffasaboard · 06/05/2019 17:09

I once heard my DH talking to our teenage son. DH is very mild mannered and laid back but it’s a time I remember so clearly as he was so firm and cross and very very clear in what he was saying to DS.

Son had said a kid in his class had used the word slag and whilst DS knew it was offensive he was not too shocked about hearing it and was describing the rest of the chat that had gone on.

DH was telling him that any man who ever utters that word is showing his outright misogyny and contempt for women. That it is a word almost exclusively reserved to shame women for having any form of sexual need or desire and that like almost no other word it isn’t used across the sexes or in different contexts (aside being waste products from mining!)
He said that he would cease to be friends or have anything to do with a man who used it both in private or to a woman’s face and he expected DS to hunk about its meaning and be very clear with his own actions

I’ve never forgotten how strongly he was speaking.

Your DP cannot come back from this. No apology or explanation will remove what he has shown you here.

I’m only amazed you have been together years and this is the first time he’s let the mask slip.

Please don’t blame yourself or try to look for reasons.

If you get back with him I can wholeheartedly assure you that you won’t live a free life.

countrygirl99 · 06/05/2019 17:12

It's not a red flag - it's a massive red banner being trailed by a plane. He is telling you what your future with him would be like, run far away.

SmileEachDay · 06/05/2019 17:13

OP
Has your DF specifically apologised for his use of the word “slag”? Has he accepted that the implications go way beyond just him throwing his toys out of the pram? That it belies a deep seated issue with women?

PickAChew · 06/05/2019 17:15

I bet, if you look back, you'll find other little hints of his misogyny, just that they were never aimed at you quite so blatantly.

Orangecake123 · 06/05/2019 17:16

@Stiffasaboard You have a brilliant DH!

ptumbi · 06/05/2019 17:19

I think the fact that his/your friends can say he’s punching above his weight and this becomes your fault...that is because - well, men are men! And therefore they are OK. the ones teasing him - well, they are men. the ones hitting on you - they are men.

You, on the other hand, are a Woman. And to a woman-hater, that means you are wrong. Woman-haters like what a woman can to for them, or to them, but they don't actually like women for themselves.

Leave him. He will grind you down to being a shadow of yourself.

DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 17:21

@Korvalscat, thanks for that. How awful for your daughter and for you. Thank goodness the children are now protected from his behaviour. All the best!

TheBigFatMermaid · 06/05/2019 17:28

I’ve have never given him any reason not to trust me. I’m a very loyal person and I love him very much

This is not about you remotely, or how you behaved, or the men! It is about HIM and his need to control you.

You are buying a house together? He thinks he has you well and truly snared! Get out. Get out of the house purchase! Get out of the relationship!

Floralhousecoat · 06/05/2019 17:28

While I agree with all posts telling op to leave this relationship, I don't understand the 'he can go to Saudia Arabia' comments. There's no indication in op's comments that her fiance is Arab or even Muslim. What's the implication? That Muslim/Arab men alone behave in this way? Surely as this thread has shown, the opposite is true: misogyny isn't the sole preserve of one culture/faith/background.

bullyingadvice2017 · 06/05/2019 17:34

Run for the hills. Really, he will get worse.
If this was a friend of mine I would be so concerned about her from even one incident like this!

Onecutefox · 06/05/2019 17:40

Floralhousecoat, plenty in every culture.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 06/05/2019 17:40

The implication @Floralhousecoat is surely that in Saudi Arabia women’s attire is policed and men have all the power.

DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 17:42

I don't understand the 'he can go to Saudi Arabia' comments.

The oppression of women is institutionalised and legalised in Saudi Arabia, so, as a sarcastic remark, it's quite apposite.

That doesn't mean that all Saudis or all Muslims are abusive, of course.

TanyaChix · 06/05/2019 17:43

YANBU and you’ve done everything right. Because he felt down and insecure, he thought he’d try to pull you down with him and put you in your place by accusing you of being an attention-seeking slag. Then he sulked for hours when he realised you weren’t going to apologise in the way that he’d hoped.

He’s telling you loud and clear that he won’t stand for anything that threatens his fragile ego. He wants to try to monitor and control your appearance and entirely innocent behaviour / social interactions, which is a a hugely unattractive trait. If you look pretty, he’ll sulk. If you smile too much at a male, he’ll have a huff.

This isn’t your issue to address, it lies with him and at least he’s admitted that he has a problem with his own self-esteem. Thing is, you shouldn’t suffer as a result. After all, where might it end? If he’ll lash out at people finding you pretty, who’s to say he won’t find himself getting jealous and competitive at anything else you do that makes him feel as if he’s punching above his weight: landing a new job, getting promoted, doing well at a new hobby etc etc.

Novinosincebambino · 06/05/2019 18:13

Be prepared for him to blame the actions of his ex for his 'Insecurities'. There is never an excuse for calling someone a slag or not trusting them. Don't buy that crap, his issues are his issues.

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 18:17

He has been trying to apologise all day. Texts, calls, messages on SM. I went out with the kids for a walk and came back to a big bunch of flowers on the doorstep. He’s a walking cliché.

The ex thing though..... she did definitely cheat. She’s not a very nice person to be honest and has a pattern of cheating and leaving her current partner for the next. It’s happened twice alone in the 4 years I’ve been with DP.
I do wonder if her behaviour has had an impact on his security and self esteem but the way he acted last night / early this morning was wholly unacceptable and inexcusable xx

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 06/05/2019 18:21

There is absolutely NO excuses for his behaviour. You and your children deserve so much better than this. You DO NOT call someone you profess to love a slag, ever!! Please listen to the advice you have been offered on here especially the women who have suffered this type of abuse as they know what they are talking about. Stop the house sale and end this relationship. He is the author of his own downfall.

Guardsman18 · 06/05/2019 18:22

The way she behaved is not yours to account for though is it?

Please don't marry him xx

AsleepAllDay · 06/05/2019 18:23

@ThisIsCheese being cheated on by your ex doesn't mean you get to call your partner a slag & claim she was offering herself to men

waltersdog · 06/05/2019 18:27

His hang ups about his ex is not your problem. Tell him to do one.

HarrysOwl · 06/05/2019 18:31

For what it's worth, in years and years of marriage my (non name calling and lovely) DH has never needed to buy flowers (or anything else) by way of an apology. He's never done anything so inexcusable, either.

My abusive piece of shit ex used to buy flowers/chocolates after he'd been a cunt, though. Wow how I fell for his excuses - "sorry I'm so sad and nothing without you, you're great, I'm so insecure...I've been treated so badly, I shouldn't take it out on you...give us another chance..."

Seems to be a calling card.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 06/05/2019 18:33

Thing is OP if he knows he can control you in any way,in this instance how you should dress or behave in public then he will control everything he deems fit to control...hair cuts,shopping.who you see and where you go,who you can be friends with etc and it goes on ..he gets a little bit more power every time and you agree to keep the peace cos he is ok most of the time....thing is that time gets less frequent and he demands more and more to keep him happy and you controlled...then he starts on the kids...and repeats it all with them....if you cant do it for you do it for the kids please....

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 06/05/2019 18:35

it happens so quietly and so little by little you wont even know he is doing it until its too late....

saffy1234 · 06/05/2019 18:35

I used to be with someone like this
It started as this it ended with him battering me half to death,but of course that was my fault.
Im not trying to frighten you but theres usually a pattern in this behaviour and it only gets worse the more you allow.
I hope you are ok
X

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 18:37

@saffy1234 that’s so awful xx

OP posts:
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