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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 06/05/2019 16:09

If you don't believe us?

Time to ask previous exes why their marriage/relationship broke up.

After watching women uncritically accept what my ex tells them (then being bewildered when it all goes pear shaped) - I would NEVER not do this fact checking.

Never. "Trust, but verify" - President Reagan

BossyPurple · 06/05/2019 16:11

Time to ask previous exes why their marriage/relationship broke up

Absolutely no worries there. We’re friends with his first gf, she comes over for dinner sometimes with her DH. His ex (mother of his children) had an affair with a work colleague.

BossyPurple · 06/05/2019 16:12

Sorry I name changed!

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 16:13

Sorry back to my old name now

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 16:13

See above ^

OP posts:
SlowStarters · 06/05/2019 16:15

How are you feeling about things now, OP?

Mummadeeze · 06/05/2019 16:17

If you are still reading OP, just wanted to say that even less extreme abuse than many of the posters have experienced will still wear you down and lead to an unhappy relationship. My partner sulks if I go out. He acts a bit jealous if I dress up and look nice. He has issues around me going to social events with my work colleagues. I have never given in and stopped doing any of these things. I know I deserve a social life and go out 2-3 times a month. But the consequences of this mean that he is in one long constant sulk. He has just got over the last occasion when the next one takes place. It is toxic and ridiculous and I am very unhappy and making plans to leave. I used to feel sorry for him that he feels insecure but now I am just tired of living like this and want a normal life. I don’t pander to his moods but this has lead to us leading separate lives. He ignores me and following years of me trying to be nice back and make him feel better, I now ignore him back. So even if he doesn’t become extremely controlling or violent, even jealous moodiness is a real downer. I wish I had noticed this side of my partner early on but he hid it well until we had our child.

supadupapupascupa · 06/05/2019 16:20

Op the right man wouldn't behave like this. If I am approached whilst out, my dh finds it amusing. He would rescue me if I made hints that I wanted to be but he would be amused and proud at the same time. He honestly wouldn't think anything of me in that situation. As it should be. This isn't about you, this is about him. He knows you are young and attractive and he feels he isn't good enough for you so. He seems like he feels out of control in the relationship and the only way to regain it is to blame you. You have every right to accept a compliment and even flirt if you want to! If you are indeed trust worthy. And the right man knows this

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 16:24

I'd also ask the question, how are you feeling now about the whole thing?

EnglishRose13 · 06/05/2019 16:27

These stories are making me feel so sad. I too have been through similar.

I was a massive slag. Obviously, if I didn't reply instantly it was because I was shagging someone. If a guy looked at me, it was clearly because we'd shagged previously.

It's a wonder I managed to get anything else done the amount of sex I was having.

Troels · 06/05/2019 16:27

Are you sure it was the ex who had the affair? Did he tell you this or her?
I'm with everyone else, he's shown you his true self. Don't buy a house with him and marry him.

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 16:28

Are you sure it was the ex who had the affair? Did he tell you this or her?
It’s common knowledge. She dated him for a while after.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/05/2019 16:29

His friends were complimenting him on how lovely you are, in a jokey way, yes, but instead of agreeing and acknowledging how lucky he is, you immediately became his enemy. His response was to humiliate you and call you a SLAG. My mind reels, it truly does.

Last night showed you exactly who he really is. A man who truly loves and respects his partner would never, under and circumstances, call her such a vile name. I sincerely hope you have the strength to leave him, because this is just the beginning of his abuse, I guarantee it.

Guardsman18 · 06/05/2019 16:35

Is Bossy Purple a regional thing? Seems strange

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 16:36

@Guardsman18 there’s a thread on here today about a woman who is hard of hearing arguing with her husband and she called him a bossy purple. The phrase tickled me 😂

OP posts:
pudding21 · 06/05/2019 16:38

I had an ex like this, I used to dress down when we went out, over the years I truly lost my spark etc. Don't let him dull your shine. He can feel insecure, he can feel maybe you are out of his league etc, however he should never call YOU a slag because of how he is feeling. You were with his friends in couples, not likely you are going to be flirting up a storm with strangers is it?

What happens next time you want to go out with girl friends?

I know you don't want to end the relationship, but he is telling you very clearly who he is, and how he deals with it (by being nasty, putting the bame of unwanted male attention on you etc).

floraloctopus · 06/05/2019 16:39

It's a massive red flag and you should be making plans to end the relationship.

RhubarbTea · 06/05/2019 16:42

THANK GOD you found out what he is like before you married him. What a gift, albeit wrapped up in a shitty incident like the other night. Sorry he was so awful and made you feel like crap just for going out and standing around wearing clothes (how very dare you?).
Seriously, run don't walk. He has absolutely shown you his true colours here, painfully clearly.

Motoko · 06/05/2019 16:43

Maybe she had the affair because she was unhappy in her marriage. I was in an abusive marriage, and that's what I did.

Contrast that with my second marriage, we've been together for 20 years, and I've never been interested in another man, because my husband is a decent man.

It may be complicated, but you can and should, pull out of buying the house. It will be even harder if you go ahead and buy it and get married, I assure you.

Guardsman18 · 06/05/2019 16:43

Thank you for explanation. Was concerned that having read your post ... well I'm sure you know where I'm coming from. My heart goes out to you. Please don't marry him, please?

Take it from all us old folk. It will be an awful ride I promise you. This is just the start. I wish so much I'd had MN when I was younger.

Something tells me though that you are much stronger than I was. I hope so.

HarrysOwl · 06/05/2019 16:48

Ah well if he's feeling a bit insecure (he is older, bless him!) and his mates were taking the piss, it's perfectly understandable for him to say you're a slag. Why should he apologise? You were approached by other men and clearly enjoyed it.

Especially if this is the only time he's ever done anything hurtful - just one nasty, little comment isn't worth ending a relationship over. You should probably apologise to him for being unreasonable, and not ending it means he's allowed to call you whatever he wants - definitely continue buying the house with him to be tied together properly, get married and let him be a step dad with lots of access to your children. An insecure man who calls his wife a slag sounds like a fab step father.

How dreamy.

MulticolourMophead · 06/05/2019 16:50

His ex (mother of his children) had an affair with a work colleague

I'm quite cynical these days, but "common knowledge" isn't always accurate. I'd still be interested in hearing why she left direct from her.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 06/05/2019 16:51

I think the fact that his/your friends can say he’s punching above his weight and this becomes your fault and something you deserve to be berated for speaks volumes.

He could have been proud he’s bagged such a hot partner, and agreed. He could have told them to give it a rest. He could have asked them to stop ogling you. He decided to call you a slag instead.

pallisers · 06/05/2019 16:56

He was hoping he'd get you apologising to him and only decided to apologise himself when he realised you weren't going to do that. He is still hoping that you will start comforting him for being older and what his mates said and tell him don't worry I understand you poor thing. lots of red flags. I certainly would put a complete stop to the house-buying.

I would guess that he feels you're invested enough in the relationship now that he can let his mask slip a bit.

I also agree with this completely

Itsnotme123 · 06/05/2019 16:59

Hope it’s a good engagement ring cos I would be keeping it. Find the man in the bar who chatted you up and hook up with him. Tell fiancé that you have a string of men far more worthy than he is. Fiancé can go to Saudia Arabia, and I hope you haven’t got a wedding date fixed or are house buying with him.

Go onto the divorce section here and see the reasons why women leave husbands. Wow you had a close call.

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