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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 06/05/2019 15:06

b0bin
Op asked for help. Lots of these posters don't hate men, just abusers. Are you one?

Chocolate, please get out.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 15:06

It was the lurve which prevented me seeing the warnings. Everything else is exactly as you said @FlutterShite. I was just so grateful that any man would bear to be with the horrendous mess I became, it was unimaginable to me that anybody else could love me! Love me? Christ no. Sure look at the state of me! Oh he did a number on me alright, but I got away! Took me long enough mind you, but I did eventually! A bit slow off the starting blocks but when I finally got off, I ran like Usain Bolt lol.

And guess what? Not all men are arseholes! That's another conditioning you get. Grin

TooTrueToBeGood · 06/05/2019 15:06

When my now wife and I got together I had a few of the "punching above your weight" comments from mates. Didn't bother me one bit. As far as I was concerned I'd won first prize when I met her so I guess I was punching above my weight. They were only confirming what I already believed. Shouldn't everyone believe their partner is a catch?

Something for you to ponder on OP. The next time you go out, will you not think twice about dressing to impress or will you tone it down a bit to save a repeat of this incident? I'll bet a pound to a penny you'll do the latter, even if it's a subconscious decision. That's how controlling abuse manifests itself. He's punished you for something he didn't like. Even once he plays whatever cards he needs to in order to persuade you it was out of character, the memory of that punishment will always be there for you and that will limit you. For him will be the memory that he was able to punish you and he ultimately got away with it, and that will empower him. Can you see how that can only result in ever decreasing circles?

Korvalscat · 06/05/2019 15:10

My dd was in a relationship with someone who acted just as the man described by fluttershite, she has been out of the relationship for 2.5 years but last week he sent me a text as that is the only way he can comminicate with her as she blocked his number due to the abuse he kept sending to her, he doesn't swear at me - I pass her my phone with the mesage unread and she replies as if it from me. This message was the first contact since October and was rather aggressive in tone (from the first line I saw), I told her there was a message and her hands started to shake - this is 2.5 years on, it makes me sick to my stomach to see that he still affects her like this after all this time. Btw apparantly he never hit her all this was 'just' emotional abuse.
OP, dispite all the warning signs, the moodiness she got engaged to him and bought a house with him because when he was charming and pleasant he was Mr Perfect and he apologised profusely - at first.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 15:10

@TooTrueToBeGood

100% agree with every single thing you said.

It becomes an unconscious decision to become increasingly more drab until you're eventually looking so like shit that you don't actually want to leave the house anymore.

VentingDaughter · 06/05/2019 15:12

It took him an awfully long time to start apologising, presumably when it got through to him that you weren't going to come grovelling to him. Trying to make you feel sorry for him is Plan B.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 15:14

Oh there'll be Plan C too if that hasn't worked. I gave it three hours maybe an hour or two ago.......

Erythronium · 06/05/2019 15:15

His friends know the truth, he does too. You're too good for him.

He's very kindly shown you who he really is before you make practical, long-lasting commitments to him. He's a misogynist who thinks its acceptable to insult you in the worst possible way, the woman he's supposed to love, when he's not happy. Like everybody else said, leave him.

DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 15:15

@Korvalscat, I really mean this politely (there may be a good reason) - why on earth do you pass this abuser's messages on to your daughter?

TooTrueToBeGood · 06/05/2019 15:17

It becomes an unconscious decision to become increasingly more drab until you're eventually looking so like shit that you don't actually want to leave the house anymore.

And then as often as not, the abuse becomes about how unattractive you are, how you don't make an effort, how an ugly like you is bloody lucky to have him, how no other man would look at you etc etc etc.

ThanosSavedMe · 06/05/2019 15:18

Better you know now op.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong, don’t let him tell you otherwise. If his mates were winding him up that’s his problem not yours.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 15:23

Yup - they break you down. Until you're a mere shadow of the person you were.

I'm wondering whether they all go for outgoing confident types? I used to be. Gregarious, life and soul, all of that. At the end? Haha, I was in a psychiatric hospital.... That's not a joke either!

Dillydallyingthrough · 06/05/2019 15:25

OP this must be awful. If I'm bring 100% honest (expecting a flaming now) if it was me (me and DP have been together roughly the same amount of time) I MAY have forgiven his behaviour if he was really apologetic the following day. The fact that he wasn't and didn't really regret his behaviour until you made it clear that it wa unacceptable I couldn't forgive that - the way he described you the next day was disgusting.

Iris1654 · 06/05/2019 15:35

My XDH was like this, he ground me down, I stopped wearing makeup, dressing up, going out.,...

Run now!

LadyPoldark · 06/05/2019 15:37

I am also wondering the reason his previous relationship broke down? Do you know his ex? Would you feel comfortable asking her?

LadyPoldark · 06/05/2019 15:38

Not that I think it should influence your decision to stay or leave him by the way, but it may firmly cement it!

Korvalscat · 06/05/2019 15:42

Distance Call The messages are strictly to do with the children and though the tone can be agressive/demanding the messages are not strictly speaking abusive. The agreement was that I would pass messages on but if they were abusive I would block his number, my dd progressed to the point were she felt able to open and deal with the messages herself, thank goodness. However due to his behaviour even supervised contact with the children has been stopped so that is why the message came out of the blue - I think it was the unexpectedness of it that caused her reaction. Two messages and he appears to have crawled back under his rock.

LagunaBubbles · 06/05/2019 15:46

He’s now apologising profusely and said he’s feeling insecure and not happy in himself

Of course he is. He needs to get you back on side.

Iooselipssinkships · 06/05/2019 15:51

@AginNAgin after several beatings, sexual assault and finally an attempted murder my ex did the same thing. Went to a psychiatric hospital and admitted what he'd done. Luckily the workers all saw through him and said this is for the police, not us. Even the police psychiatrist said there was nothing wrong with him.
It was my eye opener and had it not gone this way I know I would've returned and probably be dead by now.
In the end he brought the police to me the fucking idiot, I was considered missing or murdered and they hunted me down. I was cowering at my Mum's after running miles in my pyjamas. I finally told them every single thing. Funny that he wanted to confess all to the psychiatric hospital but went no comment with the police.
This is also a 'thing' they do. Try convince us and others they're mentally unwell and a hospital is better than prison.
During the first beating he called the police and ambulance himself and this made me think he really didn't mean it. Turned out he rung them to tell them I started it.
Manipulative fuckers.

Sarcelle · 06/05/2019 15:53

Don't waste the best years of your life chaining yourself to him. 31 is such a great age. A chance to be an independent woman, with your own likes and dislikes, free will, choices and agency. Instead, you are going to be stuck with a misogynistic nasty man who will make your world shrink to the size of a pea, making yourself small, dimmer and diminished to suit his ego. He may well have been a nice guy up to this, but when he uttered that word and followed it up later with the other comments in the cold light of day - that is the direction of travel. This signpost shows you that this will be your life as an appeaser to an abuser. Let this man go, he is not for you (or any other woman either, but at least you have been given the warning before being too trapped).

People leave people standing at the altar, with all the expense and embarrassment and publicity that brings. They see sense and no matter what the embarrassing circumstances they call a halt. You can do the same. Back out of the house purchase, the money is nothing compared to the rest of your life.

AllStar14 · 06/05/2019 15:57

The worst four years of my life were spent with a man who said similar things to me. Once I finally built up the courage to leave I was a shadow of the person I had previously been.

Coyoacan · 06/05/2019 15:58

It becomes an unconscious decision to become increasingly more drab until you're eventually looking so like shit that you don't actually want to leave the house anymore

My dd had a bf who was forever accusing her of flirting, even with old men on the seat next to her on the bus. By the time they split up she had zero friends and the people she knew through him thought she was a stuck-up bitch, because she'd trained herself not to smile.

KM99 · 06/05/2019 15:58

ThisIsCheese

Good for you getting things off your chest. He's behaved terribly and is clearly squirming today knowing he's been a prick - ranging from having a further go to then backtracking to apology.

Only you know the truth of your relationship. For me, it would take a lot of time and hard evidence he would never treat you like that again to even contemplate having him in your life again. And honestly, my experience is people who treat you like that will continue to do so.

C0untDucku1a · 06/05/2019 16:02

Pull out of the house move. Youre young, intelligent and attractive. You have choices and time.

ScreamingLadySutch · 06/05/2019 16:06

Leave.

When someone tells you who they are, believe them. The first time - Maya Angelou

You are worth MUCH more than this abuse (because that is what it is), OP.

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