Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
samsamsamsamsamsam · 06/05/2019 14:08

L. T. B.

amysaurus87 · 06/05/2019 14:09

Do. Not. Marry. This. Man.

Run, far and run fast.

You get my first ever mumsnet LTB!

SilverySurfer · 06/05/2019 14:12

You should be grateful and thank him OP. Thank him for having blown his cover too early, and showing you what a controlling arsehole he is. Thankful that you won't marry him and have children which would tie you to him and allow him to ramp up the control.

Pull out of the house sale and finish with him. Listen to people on here who have not been fortunate enough to see their DH for what he was before getting married/having children and go through years of misery.

He will try everything to keep you and you will be tempted because you loved him but please don't be duped. He's just pissed off that he will have to hide his true self for months/years on the next poor, unsuspecting victim.

I wish you the very best.

Coyoacan · 06/05/2019 14:14

corythatwas said what I was thinking. The use of the word "slag" itself, even if it had been in another context and about someone else, would have been the death of any feelings I had for such a man.

This word betrays a deep misogyny

EvaHarknessRose · 06/05/2019 14:16

Hope you are OK OP.

He didn’t compliment you.
He didn’t ensure you had a good evening.
He wasn’t courteous or interesting.

He criticised and undermined you rudely
He used you as a punching bag when he felt attacked by others
(Instead of addressing it with them - insecure and cowardly)
He shouted and sulked and blamed.

Do you want to grow old with this man, and go through stressful times when this side of him comes out. Don’t moderate you, to build him up. Go it alone and get higher.

Figgygal · 06/05/2019 14:16

It'll only get worse as he gets more jealous in his old age
He doesn't trust you whatever he might say

Bin

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 14:16

I'm telling you, money already invested in this relationship will be a mere pittance to the long-term financial implications.

I ended up with not a penny to my name, not a drop of confidence and 7 years out of work. I couldn't work because clearly I was only going there for the men! It's funny how it starts - it's so subtle you don't even notice it. Sometimes it's even flattering!

Other tiny red flags which you may not have picked up would be things like always holding your hand in public, or having an arm draped over you - a sort of pissing on your territory thing that dogs do sometimes. Little things like saying 'that guy was just staring at you'. You'll probably have asked 'Who? What guy?' because you won't have noticed anything. Other things that I can think of will be being obsessed with you. When you're alone, he likes you to dress nicely for him. Coming home from work and getting into your pjs will be a big deal and an affront to him. When you make an effort for him alone i.e. you're not in public, you're a goddess. I'm trying to think of other signs, but for e.g you'll relay a conversation you had with a male work colleague - he'll suddenly say - that guy fancies you. You'll laugh at all these things, because obviously he just ADORES you.

Does ANY of that ring a bell?

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 14:20

Oh and he's also likely to blame 1 or more of his friends for saying that they'd 'ride' you or something similar. Last night, he was protecting your honour.

daisyjgrey · 06/05/2019 14:21

Massive red flag.
Being a bit sniffy that people were cracking onto you is one thing, but actually blaming you, insulting you and treating you badly because of it is another entirely.
Leave, before there's a piece of paper legally attaching him to you.

MsTSwift · 06/05/2019 14:22

My lovely friend bought a house with a not nice boyfriend. She had a minor car accident and all he cared about was damage to the car Hmm. Was the sign she needed she let him buy her out left was single then like me met a lovely decent man. We both shudder to think what would happen if we had stayed with those losers...

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 06/05/2019 14:24

I haven't rtft but never ever marry a man who wants control your behaviour. This is a massive red flag and will get much much worse once you're married.

Hospitaldramafamily · 06/05/2019 14:26

Just another one weighing in to say I was on the receiving end of this.

I was 'making eyes' at a very drunk man on the next table at a night out. A man looked at me on the tube. I went to an official work dinner with my team, which included men. My clothes were too fitted (think corporate work wear so not in any way sexy). He hoped I wouldn't do well in any interview I went for because he thought he'd lose me.

I also got the 'I'm so insecure in myself and can't believe you really want me' speech, and I fell for it. For over 5 years. It wore me down. I should have walked away after the first incident.

rosiejaune · 06/05/2019 14:26

I think the buying a house thing is very relevant here. As others have said, abuse tends to begin or escalate when men feel like they have you trapped. That is often during pregnancy, but in this case, you're mentally and financially committed because of the house purchase, plus are about to combine your families.

So I think this is probably why it's starting now. Because he feels he has you sufficiently trapped now, even if you haven't completed yet.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 06/05/2019 14:28

Run OP ...Go and find a man who is proud of you....You are in no way to blame for his childish insecurities and jealousy....you do need to go really you do it will get so much worse I promise you ...Go be happy!

Orangecake123 · 06/05/2019 14:29

When someone shows you are believe them, the FIRST time. Trust your gut.

ParadiseInDisguise · 06/05/2019 14:31

Some men just can’t handle a beautiful, smart and confident woman. Blaming a woman for their insecurities.

You aren’t BU. You have done nothing wrong.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 14:36

4 years is quite a long time to have invested in a guy. You probably have your little in-jokes, he's probably nursed you when you were ill, he's good with your child(ren), he works hard, he's the man you loved and wanted to marry for crying out loud!
Would it be insane to throw all that away over one silly argument? He's already apologised and told you that it's because he's feeling crap about himself. You understand that. Maybe you were being flirtatious. Maybe he's right! Maybe he knows that those other men were after one thing only. Yes, you were flattered by the male attention - you shouldn't have been. You were wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. You shouldn't have upstaged him. Should have been more Kate Middleton. You showed him up in front of his friends. Why would you do that unless you were a witless tart! He was right.

NO!!! Don't let that be your self dialogue now. Please don't.

Orangecake123 · 06/05/2019 14:37

@RedTrek Thank you for posting the book pdf.

Notmorewashing · 06/05/2019 14:42

Pull out of the house purchase get rid and find someone normal. It will only
Get worse. Any normal
Man would be flattered to have compliments of their Mrs.

FlutterShite · 06/05/2019 14:42

Another one reporting in to say I had one of these and he ruined my life for many years, even after I'd left him.

The events you describe sound almost identical to my experiences with him - he'd sulk for days, snarling at me, shaking his head at me, looking at me with complete loathing in until I started to cry and begged his forgiveness for having caused a man to smile at me in a pub. I was too skinny, too fat, too tarty, too frumpy, too thick, too clever, too ugly, too pretty, too quiet, too loud, and when I got a job it was only because the boss fancied me and "would want something back".

Run for the fuckin' hills.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 14:50

@FlutterShite and others! We really should start a support thread/congratulatory thread for those of us who managed to escape! We could compile a little encyclopedia and exchange stories on their tactics! We do appear to have a lot in common! Or rather, the pricks have a lot in common. I know some of us get out at the first sign, but a lot of us were blinded by the 'lurve'...........

I'm particularly thinking of @RoyalChocolat who I am hoping is soon to join our very highly qualified ranks as being one who got away! Wink You sound like you're almost at the door Chocolat! You've mentally packed that bag I think!

rupple · 06/05/2019 14:51

I feel so sad for you OP, this must be horrific.

So many posters on here know what they're talking about, and I have no knowledge. But if the word slag had ever crossed my DH's lips about any woman, then my world would shift for ever.

It is a vile word, the most demeaning word, and that's what he said you are. You need to take heed of the warnings, his issues run deep.

FlutterShite · 06/05/2019 14:57

@AginNAgin yes! It's also not necessarily about the lurve - more that the techniques have worked well enough to crush self-esteem, create dependency and convince the victim that yes, she really should be grateful that this man will tolerate her when no one else would.

Dualmum · 06/05/2019 14:58

Forget the red flag this is a bloody red brick being thrown against your head. No one has the right to tell you that what you are wearing is causing a problem. Instead he should see it as the men around you who are DRUNK as being the problem. I think he's probably insecure too and saying things to make you feel like it's your fault when it's probably him being jealous. I wonder what he would say if the tables were turned and women came up to him to flirt.

Sewrainbow · 06/05/2019 15:02

My first LTB! Run now and be thankful you found out now before marriage!