Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
MitziK · 06/05/2019 13:37

Pull all your money out and withdraw from the house purchase. Cancel the wedding. Doesn't matter how much money is lost, it'll be worth every penny.

Otherwise, the next time he likens you to a cat on heat (which is what the purring comment was), it'll be accompanied by a swift backhand to the face.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 13:38

"He signed himself into a psychiatric hospital!" I didn't know that was possible! How did he do that?

No fucking idea. Probably rocked up with some fictional illness.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/05/2019 13:39

I got out of an abusive relationship. He didn't hit me, but I'm still scared of him more than 2 years later.

This was similar to me - I thought I saw him many years later (over 10) and felt physically sick! I really felt as though I had been punched in the gut and nearly collapsed - and that was a false sighting, thank God.

I don't know what I'd have done had it really been him - especially if he'd seen me and come over to speak to me - which is the sort of thing he would do, especially if he thought he could publicly humiliate me (again).

SlowStarters · 06/05/2019 13:40

It's normal form for an abuser to start apologising and blaming their insecurities (woe is them) when they realise you're standing up for yourself. I've been there, OP. Please don't minimise it or feel sorry for him. You deserve better.

He didn't apologise immediately, or even first thing the morning after.

Instead, he told you that you were practically purring like a cat and all those men were making fun of him -- so what? Does that mean he had to call you a slag?

RuffleCrow · 06/05/2019 13:41

Just ditch him op. Why should you have to go through life feeling like you have to hide your attractiveness? What are you supposed to do? Put a paper bag over your head/ wear a burkha?

Your h sounds deeply immature. You need a man who accepts you as you are.

diddl · 06/05/2019 13:41

"Apparently the other men we were with kept teasing him about “batting above” with me and winding him up."

Even if so though he took it out on you rather than telling them to stop being twats or saying something like how lucky he was.

BringMeTea · 06/05/2019 13:41

You would be very foolish to stay in this relationship OP. He has played his hand a bit too early. That is lucky for you. He will only get worse and worse once he has you 'trapped' via shared home ownership. Please leave him today.

Lweji · 06/05/2019 13:44

Walk away now.

I should have when something similar happened with exH before we got married.

It may have been one instance but it never comes out of the blue and it won't be the only one.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 06/05/2019 13:44

*He has tried A. continued abuse B. Apologising C. seeking sympathy.

I guarantee you, next in his arsenal is either the self-harm ploy or the fuck-someone-else ploy.

I'm telling you - I could write a fucking book on this shit!*

This, in spades.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 06/05/2019 13:45

(bold fail)

Loubylouchirino · 06/05/2019 13:46

I agree with @MonnieMoo’s response. Soon it won’t be a bar; it’ll be mundane, everyday places.

My ex was like this and I ignored the red flags. It started out with him saying I looked like a slag when we went to a bar, so I toned it down (not that I went out with barely anything on in the first place), and by the end of our relationship he was regularly telling me that I was dressed inappropriately for Tesco (I had a pair of skinny jeans on and a t-shirt), I was buying hair dye because I was a slag, I bought a Lush bath bomb because I was a slag, I joined Slimming World because I was trying to pull someone else, I went to the male checkout operator in Asda because I was a slag and so on. He even stole my ex-husbands number from my phone and rang my ex-DH to say he thought I was playing away and would my ex keep an eye on me because ex was on the verge of losing with me because I was ‘ obviously’ playing around (Ex-DH rang 101 and made sure I was safe, thankfully.) It took 18 months for me to come to my senses and break free.

I wish I’d have heeded those warning signs at the beginning, as when men like this are chipping away at you, they do it so covertly that sometimes you don’t realise how much damage they’ve done until it’s too late.

Mumminmum · 06/05/2019 13:47

I know it is tough to break up with someone and it is hard to give up all the plans you have made together. But please listen to the majority of the posters on here. Save yourself. Dump him.

RuffleCrow · 06/05/2019 13:48

But if you do ditch him make sure you are on your guard and have lots of support around - these jealous men can turn very nasty very quickly - often at the drop of a hat (and splitting up with them is the most dangerous time statistically) so please take precautions to keep yourself safe.

RomanyQueen1 · 06/05/2019 13:48

You sound incompatible without his behaviour tbh.
I don't think 31 and 43 are particularly young, as you suggest. he sounds like an old man tbh, you can do better.

MsTSwift · 06/05/2019 13:53

Oh I had an “abusive on night out” boyfriend too at your age. He wanted to get married. Naah don’t think so mate. I traded up big time and I am sure you are smart enough to do the same. Good luck op

FannyOMalley · 06/05/2019 13:53

Slag?

Bye!

Don’t give it another thought. Dump him.

Yabbers · 06/05/2019 13:54

He’s normally very mild mannered and really lovely

Lovely men don’t call women slags. Ever. If DH was anxious or upset or whatever the hell excuse your DP gave, he wouldn’t ever call a woman a slag. Let alone anyone he loves and respects.

Nice to see the manhaters out in full force as usual
I will fully admit to hating men who call women slags.

jojoanna16 · 06/05/2019 13:55

RUN you are better off without him

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 13:55

OP, if you don't believe us - try to think how much rage was going through his head last night and this morning for him to say those things to you.
Now imagine yourself tied to him with a house/marriage.
Do you think that amount of rage might translate into a bit of a beating the next time? I mean, clearly you can't control yourself, can't be trusted, a good dressing down didn't work....... What's it going to take for her to fucking take herself down a peg or two to where she belongs!!? I.e. beneath me. Oh - I know! A slap! That'll make her see sense. Like the fucking slag that she is. She's been asking for it for months!

JaneEyre07 · 06/05/2019 13:58

I could (in time) forgive drunken behaviour IF he was incredibly embarrassed and apologetic the next day. If. The fact that your DP has come out fighting and still blaming you isn't nice. You're being made to feel like shit about yourself for HIS insecurities.

There's a saying about "in vino veritas" that when you're drunk you speak the truth..... I'd listen to what he said. Buying a house is irrelevant. You can't commit to a future with someone for convenience.

You may feel crap about it all now, but once you're in that house with him and he does this again, then you really will be trapped Flowers

And FWIW, my DH loves me getting dressed up and looking as good as age allows these days..... he used to love me getting attention because he trusts me implicitly and he knew he was the one going home with me.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 13:59

He has given you a warning growl. The next time there'll be no warning.

I don't know why I'm so bloody invested in your case OP, but I swear to God, I can see myself 10 years ago. Just walking in blindly.

He has warned you once. Now you either fall into line or you run like fuck.

Please do the latter.

MulticolourMophead · 06/05/2019 14:01

The suicide ploy is a very common tactic, and my ex tried it. I'll never forgive him for involving our teen DD in his 3rd (and so far final) "attempt". He never actually did enough to kill himself, it was just a ploy to get sympathy, either from me directly, or from others he hoped would put pressure on me. (EG just a few extra pills, or some but not enough alcohol.)

However, we caught him out in a barefaced lie, and in writing too. Which I have disclosed as yet but will do if he tries again.

So if he calls and says he going to kill himself, call 101 and get the police to do a welfare check. Don't go to him yourself, it will a) most likely be a ploy to reel you in, or b) the police will get the right help to him quickly enough.

MulticolourMophead · 06/05/2019 14:01

haven't disclosed, not have

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 14:04

Just so you know I am reading all of your replies. I agree with all the advice.

OP posts:
user1480880826 · 06/05/2019 14:04

Massive red flag. Next thing you know he’ll be telling you what you’re allowed to wear and stopping you from going out.

The thing that makes me really angry is that he was obviously physically attracted to you which is why you ended up in a relationship. Now he’s decided you’re no longer allowed to be physically attractive. No doubt he’ll still be attracted to other attractive women though.

You’ve had a lucky escape. I hope you haven’t spent loads of money on a wedding yet.