DP angry because I looked attractive last night

[ThisIsCheese]

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels

corythatwas - very wise words

What a misogynist.... No way would I stay with him, I can’t abide sexism and misogyny

For god sake it was bank holiday Sunday loads of people drinking all day loads of banter!! If your partner can’t see that that he a twat!!

My husband use it be chuffed if I got chatted up he would just laugh and say sorry she’s taken aren’t I the luck man!!

Any man who blames you for being an attractive girl/woman needs to take a long look at himself and how he feels about his own self worth !!

He’s now apologising profusely and said he’s feeling insecure and not happy in himself

Ah yes. The script. And he has followed it to the letter.

Some said pages ago that he would say these exact words.

He needs to go. Blaming you for other people giving you attention is bonkers.

And calling you a slag?

He thought he could use this to crush you and humiliate you

@HarryElephante

To quote you:

Yes.4 years together and one night defines this man. The rest is all an act.

What "other things" did you need to get off your chest?

He doesn’t sound like a catch anyway OP. Kids, baggage with an ex and 12 years older?

Kick him to the kerb and find someone closer to your own age without kids and an issue causing ex.

@HarryElephante

And it wasn't one night. It was one night and the day after.

Do you know what my ex did after the first beating he gave me? He signed himself into a psychiatric hospital!

He needed to be locked up alright. But with prison officers, not nurses.

I'm telling you, as sure as night follows day, this man is an abusive bastard. There is not a shred of doubt in my mind.

What you got last night and this morning is an ounce of what's to come.

Been there. I forgave because he cried and said he felt insecure and didn't deserve me.

It got worse until I finally ended it. It took me a year to get back to my vibrant, fun loving self. He had turned me into a frumpy bore. I was only 19 ffs, what a waste.

He thinks you're committed so he can ramp up being controlling. He's establishing the power dynamic.
Walk away.

THIS ^

So the man felt insecure about the ribbing he was getting, the attention you were getting and it brought up anxiety in him. This is where there is a choice point. A) allow self to get angry (fight reflex to threat) and try to prove he is good enough by making you change yourself and your behaviour
B) allow self to feel anxiety and then treat the jokes as nothing important, not to react and not try to blame or change you.
He chose A and, at his age, this is likely pretty engrained behaviour, not as if he is a youngster in his first relationship who then reflects, reviews and chooses to act differently next time
I wouldn't be entering futher into a commitment with him myself at this point. He doesn't sound confident enough at the moment to deal respectfully with any relationship, let alone an age gap one.

"He signed himself into a psychiatric hospital!"

I didn't know that was possible! How did he do that?

OP Let him get his car when you're not there. What did you say to him?

If you are ready to break with him, email him about the house buying and marriage - at least say you're putting it on hold. See a solicitor soon as.

I understand your sadness, but think it through with your head, not your heart.

If you feel you want to give him "another chance" (please, don't, but IF . . . )

Meet him somewhere posh wearing a jumper with a hole in the elbow, grubby jeans, no make-up and unwashed hair.

He really is a twat - you have had a huge warning light. Take heed of it.

He called you a slag.

Please, let that sink in and end this. I’m speaking from deeply painful experience.

OP if you missed it, please read the post by youllhavehadyourtea at 13:14

This was never about him reacting to banter, he's felt like this all along, you either haven't seen it, or have minimised it.

I got out of an abusive relationship. He didn't hit me, but I'm still scared of him more than 2 years later. (Although that is fading now.)

If I could tell my younger self to get out, don't buy the house, end it, I would. OP, please do finish with him, don't let him try to worm his way back in. There are decent men out there, you can do better.

I’m so sorry your going through this. How awful, but thank goodness you found out now. He’s a total tosser. He should have been proud to be out with you, his behaviour will only get worse, please leave him. I know it’s hard, but he’s shown his true colours.

OP if you missed it, please read the post by youllhavehadyourtea at 13:14

This was never about him reacting to banter, he's felt like this all along, you either haven't seen it, or have minimised it.

I got out of an abusive relationship. He didn't hit me, but I'm still scared of him more than 2 years later. (Although that is fading now.)

If I could tell my younger self to get out, don't buy the house, end it, I would. OP, please do finish with him, don't let him try to worm his way back in. There are decent men out there, you can do better.

Sorry, that posted twice.

I'm shocked that anyone at all has said to give him a chance.

He sounds utterly revolting.

If you have some free time, read this book called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Especially the chapter on how abuse begins and the warning signs to look for. 99% of the posters on this thread are right - your partner believes you to be his property and seeks to control you. More abuse is coming for you if you stay with this man.

Breathe a huge sigh of relief because many women are far more trapped than you are when their partners start to abuse them.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf#page=291

He's apologizing now you didn't jump into line quickly enough with plain sexist abuse. He's learned your boundary. Now he has to buy the house with you so he can push your boundaries further and further.

All men have insecurities. Almost all men have friends who rib them sometimes. All men don't call their partners 'slag' and then try to justify it in the cold light of day.