Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 13:10

*Ah............ and there we have it.

Oh well. I can't say I haven't tried!

Best of luck OP. You'll need it.*

At no point have I said I’ll forgive him. I asked him to leave.

OP posts:
CaveMum · 06/05/2019 13:11

You need to pull out of the house purchase. Even if you intend to continue the relationship you need to send him a message, and a big one, that you will not stand for this kind of behaviour and that you are prepared to walk away.

Big deal if his friends were teasing him. Is he 7?!

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 13:11

You say that there were other things bothering you. I wonder what those were - smaller flags?

No, they were things to do with his kids, his ex and some work related things.
I probably wasn’t particularly pleasant in my delivery just then, but I don’t really care right now

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 13:11

At no point have I said I’ll forgive him. I asked him to leave.

Thank God. Good for you, Cheese.

corythatwas · 06/05/2019 13:12

Advice to young adult daughter:

When deciding whether to enter a relationship or stay in a relationship, first look carefully to see if the word "slag" is in their vocabulary.

If he uses it of anyone, then that is how he thinks of women, and sooner or later that is how he will think of you.

And even if he doesn't use it of you- wouldn't you be ashamed of a man who used it of others? Be with a man you can be proud of or stay alone.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 13:12

Did he call you a slag again as he left? Because that's what he was thinking!

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 13:13

@corythatwas what very wise words

OP posts:
CaptSkippy · 06/05/2019 13:13

OP, if you don't want to end it now it might be best to let him know he is on probation for the rest of the relationship and no sign of disrespect is acceptable unpon pain of a breakup.

youllhavehadyourtea · 06/05/2019 13:14

He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

OP I know the thread has moved on, but this is from your first post.

So it s not a one off, and nothing to do with being bantered about punching above his weight.

It's been there all the time. 'He's sick of your behaviour'. This is not the man, or the relationship, or the house for you. Don't buy the house. DOn't marry him

Leave, please!

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 13:15

Now, you're not only a slag, but you're probably a two-bit cunt to boot.

Believe me. I know his sort.

Well done on asking him to leave.

BlueMerchant · 06/05/2019 13:15

He's wormed his way back in and twisted it, making excuses for his behavior. He's now looking for sympathy from you for having a downer on himself.
You have now said things to him to get things off your chest.
You now I fear see it as an even playing field. IT ISN'T. Get shot.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 13:16

His next move btw will be to call you in tears saying he can't live without you and he's going to kill himself.

I'd give it about 3 hours............

Hearhere · 06/05/2019 13:17

He was confident that he had control of the situation and that you would back down but when he realised that you wouldn't he made a plan b and started apologizing

TeddybearBaby · 06/05/2019 13:18

Good luck with it all op. Your head must be all over the place. You’ve had a lot of advice and opinions on here. Take them on board and then decide for yourself what’s right. Trust your gut. You do know how you feel but maybe you won’t see it / feel it for a while because it’s all so raw. Maybe just take some time 💐

Merryoldgoat · 06/05/2019 13:18

@corythatwas

That’s very wise and I’m going to ensure my boys never use it too.

I have never heard my DH use that word in 14 years - I suspect I have his staunchly feminist parents to thank for it and hope we can do as good a job as they did.

Sorry for the derail.

OP - this must be hard to deal with - your whole future is changing in an instant.

Try to think of it as a lucky escape.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 13:18

Or - the other typical move is to go off, get drunk, get laid with anyone who'll entertain him and tell you that he's single, he can do what he wants.

Expect all of this.

HarryElephante · 06/05/2019 13:18

No. But what you were saying was that a one-off occurrence means nothing

Nonsense.

I said talk it through before just upping and leaving. If this is a pattern of behaviour, then, yes, leave and don't look back. If this is the only time in four years, then talk it through like adults, and then make a decision

QuickThinkOfAName · 06/05/2019 13:18

He sounds like a cunt. Sorry op. But better to find out now.

His response today speaks volumes. He thought he could make you grovel and then when you didn’t he realised he’d overplayed it and is trying to rein you back in. It’s all about power.

If he had been apologetic from the get go, apologised for being a twat and appreciating his behaviour I might have considered it was exacerbated by drink (still not great don’t get me wrong) but it’s all so calculated. He’s realised he can’t push you over just yet so he’s going back to the long game.

Fuck him frankly. You sound awesome (and not like you need my help!)

For reference I’m younger than my dh. If someone makes a pass or chats me up his response is always - well why wouldn’t they find you attractive, I bloody do!

fizzandchips · 06/05/2019 13:19

I believe he felt belittled by his friends, but instead of treating you like an equal partner and asking you to leave last night as he was feeling himself and then sharing his worries with you, he called you “a slag”. The next morning, in the cold light of day instead of apologising he accused you of “purring like a cat”. The level of deep seated misogyny in both these phrases can NOT be excused by feeling insecure. He is not taking ownership of his behaviour firstly when he thought he could get away with it, he blamed you and then when he realised that plan had backfired this morning and you weren’t begging him and reassuring him he blamed his friends.
This man has shown you who he is, whilst waving enormous red flags around him, who he is - believe him!

JellyBellyyyyyyyyy · 06/05/2019 13:19

OP, please put the wedding and house buying on hold.

What your DP did was a huge red flag. It seems very much as though he is now apologising only because you've shown you won't take his abuse, but that doesn't mean this is a one-off.

I would take a period to cool down and really think about whether this is right for you and if he's the man you thought.

foreverhanging · 06/05/2019 13:19

He's realised you're not crumbling like he thought you would ....

Be careful op. Don't let him back.

Qweenbee · 06/05/2019 13:20

In all my years I have never insulted anyone by calling them names. I've argued, been angry, frustrated etc and called people out on their behaviour but I have never sunk so low as to call them names. This is truly inexcusable behaviour.
Then to compound this he carries on to the next morning and expects you to apologise. This is so worrying.

Not the insecurity because that is understandable to an extent, but the way he handled it.

He's now worked out that he's read you wrongly and it's obvious you aren't going to apologise so he's bright enough to realise that he has to change tack.

Where to go from here?
You could read him the riot act and give him another chance - but then you have financially tied yourself to him. Will you be prepared to walk away from him further down the line? It will be harder than it will be to do it now obviously, especially as your children will be further emotionally invested when you are living together.
or
Do you cut your losses now?

If it the only time he has ever done it and is suitably repentant now, then I might give it one last chance however I think I would put the house buying on hold and wait, carefully watching for further red flags no matter how tiny. But having said that, I'm not sure I could get past him calling you a slag. That's pretty serious stuff.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 13:21

He has tried A. continued abuse B. Apologising C. seeking sympathy.

I guarantee you, next in his arsenal is either the self-harm ploy or the fuck-someone-else ploy.

I'm telling you - I could write a fucking book on this shit!

Loopytiles · 06/05/2019 13:21

He showed you who he is - ignore this at your peril. You can do much better than this man OP.

Memeface · 06/05/2019 13:21

Op, he is following a script. A script many women here have heard before. Listen to thenadvice given here, and leave him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread