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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry because I looked attractive last night

639 replies

ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 11:18

Not stealth boasting, this is genuinely what happened.
We went out last night, I made an effort and I’ll be honest I think I looked nice. Nice make up, my hair had gone just how I wanted it to, new outfit etc.
Met up with DP’s friends and there were a few couples I’d not met before. I’m 12 years younger than DP and there were a few jokey remarks of “you’ve done ok for yourself mate”.
Anyway we were having a lovely night until we were in one bar, the men had gone to get the drinks and I was approached by two men who were a bit drunk and were trying to chat me up. I didn’t respond and said I was there with my partner, I was stood with two of my DP’s friend’s wives who were finding this hilarious because they were using cheesy lines and trying to buy us all drinks. I laughed it off and carried on with my night.
Later on in another bar another guy tried to talk to me whilst I was stood with DP, I said I was with him and he shook his hand and left.
DP then got furious with me, said I was courting the attention (not sure how? I was just fucking stood there?!) and said I go out acting “like candy”, he then called me a slag and left.
We haven’t spoken since. I’m ignoring his calls because I’m so hurt by his behaviour.
We’ve been together for 4 years, we’re engaged and I’ve never given him any reason to think I’m interested in anyone else.

For what it’s worth I was wearing a full length jumpsuit so I wasn’t dressed with everything on show or anything. Not that it should make any difference, I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want.

AIBU to think this is a massive red flag? He sent me a text saying he’s sick of it and it happens whenever we go out and he’s fed up of “my behaviour”.

What do I do now?! I’m ignoring him for now but I’m not sure I can move past this. He’s never been like this before but he’s obviously been judging me for a while if that’s how he feels Sad

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 06/05/2019 12:53

Anyway, it's clear he resents you, is jealous of you and doesn't want you getting above your station. Fuck him, OP. Calling you a slam disgusting. He has shown no remorse. Move on

1Wildheartsease · 06/05/2019 12:53

A one-off fit of jealousy in a bar and when drinking could be understood if not fully excused. ( It would not be impressive though)

Not apologising next day when sober ...and going on to blame you again... This is not understandable or excusable.

As they say - when someone shows you who they truly are, believe them.

Do you want to live in cupboard or behind a curtain for the rest of you life? You will only be allowed out when he wants you to be seen.

He needs a painting of a woman, something he can own and control access to , not a real woman.

Luxembourgmama · 06/05/2019 12:54

My ex was like that. Leave while you still can

GCAcademic · 06/05/2019 12:55

You have low standards for men - most people on here are expressing that the behaviour of the OPs fiancé is unacceptable and not reflective of what they would expect from a man.

I’m not sure why you think that is man hating?

I never understood this sort of thinking either. It seems to me that the actual man haters are those who have such a low opinion of the male sex as to think that we can only realistically expect shitty behaviour from them.

Onecutefox · 06/05/2019 12:56

OP, my DM and DF once walked together and someone beeped because my DM looked beautiful. My DF is ten year older than my mum. He called her a whore and a slut and all sorts of things that day. It didn't get better and they're still together. Mum always complaints about his lack of respect towards her and emotional abuse.

MrsMozartMkII · 06/05/2019 12:56

I just asked DH, as he's been known to be a bit jealous in the past, and he said words to the effect that your OH is an arse. He added that even if you were 'purring' and enjoying the attention, so long as you were telling the other blokes you were in a relationship, then what's the issue, it's just you being happy in how you looked and that's a good thing. Your OH's response was totally over the top.

DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 12:57

Except it wasn't a beating.

No. But what you were saying was that a one-off occurrence means nothing.

It wasn't a physical beating, but it was an emotional beating. He called her a slag, accused her of lapping up male attention, and blamed her for what happened (which was completely normal). And this the day after, not in the heat of the moment. It was designed to make the OP feel guilty and bad about herself.

Not all beatings are physical.

Passtherioja · 06/05/2019 12:59

Sounds like he's having a mid-life crisis!! If you don't know his friends that you were with you don't know how much grief they were giving him re: your attractiveness and age...I know this is no excuse but men are merciless when taking the piss out of each other.

I would usually advise you talk to him but with no apology it's really hard to.

There's no excuse for treating you like this ...but if you forgive him I'd make sure I got dressed up the next time you go out, if he does it twice then I'm afraid it's time to say goodbye x

Onecutefox · 06/05/2019 13:00

I bet no-one looks at him when he is out except you, OP.

corythatwas · 06/05/2019 13:02

Nice to see the manhaters out in full force as usual.

Those of us who are not manhaters know that the world is full of men who do not think of women as slags when they're in a bad mood. Why pick one who does, unless you really believe they are all shit?

The OP is not married, she has no children, she is still in a situation where it makes sense to be circumspect.

Mumsymumphy · 06/05/2019 13:03

Bag anything up you may have of his & dump it on the bonnet of his car. Take your engagement ring off, put it in an envelope and put that in the bin bag too. Resist the urge to key the car with the message 'twat'.

You know what you have to do.
You are young. Plenty of time to meet somebody else. Somebody who will make you feel wonderful, forever.

This is not the behaviour you want your children to see and grow up believing is acceptable. Protect them and yourself. On sad days when you doubt your decision, look at their little faces and take strength from the fact you are protecting them from awful behaviour.

Stay strong, you can do this. Thanks

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 13:03

Believe me the mental beating scars last longer than the physical bruises (and I've had both).

FreeTedHastings · 06/05/2019 13:04

Hope you can get out of the house buying swiftly.
Do not marry this man. Most men are fa better than this.

foreverhanging · 06/05/2019 13:04

Sorry op but I don't think you should marry him.

gamerwidow · 06/05/2019 13:04

Nice to see the manhaters out in full force as usual
I don’t hate men, I love men and have many fantastic men in my life. I do hate pathetic twats who think they can control women though.

Original poster
ThisIsCheese · 06/05/2019 13:06

He’s now apologising profusely and said he’s feeling insecure and not happy in himself. Apparently the other men we were with kept teasing him about “batting above” with me and winding him up.
It doesn’t excuse him for talking to me like that though. I’m not sure how I feel right now, just incredibly sad.

I have used this an opportunity to get a lot of things that are bothering me off my chest. Other things that have annoyed me because I thought fuck it, we’re not friends at the moment anyway so I let rip.

I actually feel better for saying some things tbh 😂

OP posts:
EffYouSeeKaye · 06/05/2019 13:07

My best friend’s (now ex) h was very like this. She was far more attractive, and younger, than him. He seemed absolutely smitten with her in the early years. Looking back, I think it was a case of not being able to believe his luck. He had swooped in and rescued her at a low point, after her divorce. The minute he felt he had her ‘locked in’ (property, ring, pregnant) the emotional abuse began. He was an insecure, jealous little man and he nearly broke her. Nearly.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 13:07

My first relationship after coming out of the depths of hell was like a revelation to me. I couldn't believe that someone could be proud of how I looked rather than jealous of any male attention. You become so conditioned, and it happens slowly. You're astute enough to have seen this for what it was from the get go.

I suspect he may have given indicators of this which went under your radar in the past.

Now he's got a big flashing NEON sign on his thick head saying AVOID! AVOID! AVOID!

SavingSpaces2019 · 06/05/2019 13:07

He’s normally very mild mannered and really lovely
....he's been hiding this nasty, possessive and misogynistic side to him.
He was probably waiting til he had his feet well and truly under the table and you were effectively 'trapped' before showing you his true colours.
Being in the midst of buying a house together probably gave him a false sense of security hence why he chose to let the mask slip.

You can bet if it had been the other way round he would have not only enjoyed the attention but then accused you of being jealous etc if you had dared to say anything about it.

Pull out of the house purchase and find someone better.
He's not even sorry for the way he behaved because he truly believes that you deserve that kind of treatment from him.

sackrifice · 06/05/2019 13:08

He’s now apologising profusely and said he’s feeling insecure and not happy in himself.

Nah he is realising he should have waited until the house was bought before abusing you.

AginNAgin · 06/05/2019 13:08

Ah............ and there we have it.

Oh well. I can't say I haven't tried!

Best of luck OP. You'll need it.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/05/2019 13:08

said he’s feeling insecure and not happy in himself

He doesn't sound like he's in any fit state to be engaged or buying a house with someone.

If you can't bring yourself to walk away, at the very least put both of these on hold.

SmileEachDay · 06/05/2019 13:08

Ok. So what’s he going to do about how he feels about himself?

What’s he going to do about the attitude towards women that means “slag” is his go to insult.

I’m pleased you’ve got some stuff off your chest OP - what do you want to happen now?

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 06/05/2019 13:09

OP, I would not proceed with a house purchase or anything else with this man right now. He’s old enough that the man you see is all the man he’ll ever be. Is this the partner you really want for you and your kids?

DistanceCall · 06/05/2019 13:10

He continued the following day, OP. He slept and woke up and didn't think "shit, I behaved like an idiot last night, poor Cheese, I need to apologise".

No. He told you very clearly that what happened was very wrong (it wasn't), you sought it out (you didn't) and it was all your fault (there was no fault there). He did this in the cold light of the morning.

HUGE red flag.

You say that there were other things bothering you. I wonder what those were - smaller flags?

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