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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be furious at my spineless dad?!

190 replies

LocoChanel · 05/05/2019 20:36

I was attending a friends wedding yesterday 4 hours away from where I live, but only 15 minutes from where some of my family live. I was supposed to stay at my sisters after the wedding, as she was only a short drive away but at 4pm she text me and said she thinks they might have norovirus in the house as three of them were very ill from both ends. Being 29 weeks pregnant it obviously would be stupid for me to stay there given those circumstances. I didn't see her text until about 7.30pm, at which point I rang my dad and explained and asked if I could stay at his. He started to say yes of course, then I heard his wife in the background, he mumbled to wait a second and then said he'd call me back. I assumed all was ok but then at 8.30pm I get a text saying I can't stay as it wasn't pre-arranged. I text back and just said to not worry about clean sheets or tidy house, I was exhausted and would literally just need a bed or sofa to pass out on if at all possible, again he replies that his wife doesn't like plans that aren't pre-arranged and it won't be possible and apologising profusely. I didn't have anyone else in the area I could ask, and I didn't have enough money for a hotel so I just ended up starting the drive home and stopped for a few hours sleep in a couple of service stations.

AIBU to be so annoyed? I know it's not their fault that my sister was ill and that I couldn't afford a hotel, but the fact I literally heard him saying yes just to be told no by his wife has really wound me up. Who is that spineless they can't say to their partner that of course their child can stay even if it's not pre-arranged?

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 06/05/2019 08:27

Fuck that. I would have put you up and don't know you from Adam.

My parents were Sterling. Daddy went to court to ask if he could pay less maintenance after his new girlfriend told him too. He was paying the huge amount of 25p. Mummy's new boyfriend was told by his ex she'd sue for maintenance if I was allowed to move in with them. They decided they'd rather not pay money for his son than have me living with them. I then remained in care until 18 and was abused and neglected. Mother dearest tried to sue for access to my kids.

Sadly blood means fuck all when the parents are selfish bastards.

Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well *@LocoChanel.

jellyfish70 · 06/05/2019 08:28

Spineless and his wife is a bitch.

chocatoo · 06/05/2019 08:33

That is really terrible. I hope your father feels very ashamed. I think it’s important that you pull him up on it as otherwise he is likely to try to minimise it in his own mind. You need to be clear with him that his behaviour was exceptionally poor. Is his mother (your grandma) still alive? She might have something to say to him about it!

IvanaPee · 06/05/2019 08:35

Even if SM does have anxiety and can’t have people in the house Hmm OP’s dad still could have offered money for a hotel room, offered to drive her home. Anything other than leaving her in that situation.

FrenchBoule · 06/05/2019 08:37

@Sunshine

Holy shit, that’s one of the worst behaviour from blood relations I’ve read here.Hope they are no longer in your life.

OP, your father is a spineless twat. Sadly once the new wife takes over these man are like their lapdogs.

NC with FIL for exactly the same reason. She can rule him, not my family.

Itsnotme123 · 06/05/2019 08:38

What a bitch. Cut her out of your life completely.. tell your father what a witch she is. My step mother stops me from visiting my dad when he’s ill, saying he needs rest. I live 2 hours away from him.

MrsExpo · 06/05/2019 08:39

Agree with the others about calling him out on his spineless behaviour. I might have just turned up on his day door step anyway and made him (or his wife!) turn you away to your face. What a cowardly thing to do.

Ferii · 06/05/2019 08:44

Your dad and his wife are out of line. I've put up people at very short notice several times. My brother called me at 2 am pissed as a fart, he'd missed the last train home so I got the sofa bed ready for him, glass of water and a couple of paracetamol. No problem at all, I don't want anyone putting themselves at risk or to expense if I can help. Your dad needs to understand he failed as a father and grandfather and his wife is a callous bitch. Definitely send the text someone suggested further up or better still call him and the wife and tell them.

“Dad, I had to drive 4 hours home last night. I’m 29 weeks pregnant, I was so exhausted I had to stop to sleep in my car in a service station. You really let me down, I’m so disappointed in you as a father”.

KindleAndCake · 06/05/2019 08:49

YADNBU you should've parked up on their drive and slept there, then their neighbours can see what wonderful people they are.

Omzlas · 06/05/2019 08:58

I sincerely hope that when they (presumably) arrange to visit when your baby is born, you decline their visit, with no manners whatsoever. Arseholes. It's not like you asked for a 3 course meal, followed by a 4 poster, followed by breakfast in bed.

Shocking behaviour.

TanyaChix · 06/05/2019 09:15

So spineless his own pregnant daughter can’t stay overnight without an appointment. And she’s an utter bitch.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 06/05/2019 09:21

The safety and comfort of women is not worth more just because she's carrying a foetus. A non-pregnant woman also shouldn't have had to sleep in her car in a service station.

Nobody should have to sleep in their car but it is worse if you're pregnant. It's far more uncomfortable and there is the safety of the mother and baby to think about. You're much more vulnerable to health issues and less able to fight or flee from danger. Even a normal bed is uncomfortable when you're pregnant.

Goldmandra · 06/05/2019 09:26

Write him a letter explaining that she is a coercive controller who is deliberately isolating him from his family. Call out and explain her behaviour and what will happen if he submits to it. Tell him you will always be there for him but you're not going to complete with her. When he's ready to see you without her, you'll be over the moon to see him.

Myotherhusbandisgaryoldman · 06/05/2019 09:32

My dad used to do this with his new wife, they're divorced now.
She used to openly tell him that she was jealous of me, even though she had 6 kids of her own.
She tried to ruin my wedding day by demanding a whole table for her and her family who I barely knew.
Poisonous cow.
My dad never stood up for me, he still doesn't now, even though he's on his own.

TidyDancer · 06/05/2019 09:34

I would certainly confront him about what he's done. That's terrible and I do hope he feels bad. And since he won't stand up for his DD I wouldn't be encouraging contact with the baby either.

IvanaPee · 06/05/2019 09:42

@LocoChanel are you still there?! Hope all is ok!

cabcab · 06/05/2019 10:03

Bloody disgraceful behaviour!

cockadoodledooooo · 06/05/2019 10:13

I'd have knocked on his door anyway and made him turn me away face to face. Then gone NC. Disgusting behaviour from him.

LakieLady · 06/05/2019 10:27

DP and I both hate unannounced visitors with a vengeance, but we'd have stumped up for a hotel in this situation.

WhiteCat1704 · 06/05/2019 10:27

She doesn't like you..you don't like her..your father will back her up as he is living with her not you.

I would never turn away family in need but if you were ignoring her for ages and there is a backstory I can understand why she wouldn't want to help you...your father should have thought about helping you with alternative arrangements..yanbu to be furious with HIM

dustarr73 · 06/05/2019 10:34

Thats awful,it really is.But you where at a friends wedding.You could have somebody else,im sure they would have put you up

Sakura7 · 06/05/2019 10:39

Seriously WhiteCat?

I'm not sure how reading that OP could lead you to side with the dad's wife? The behaviour of both of them towards a pregnant family member is appalling.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 06/05/2019 10:58

This is different than someone turning up un- arranged to hold a newborn, or just before tea. When your daughter asks for somewhere to sleep for the night, then when refused says they don’t need clean sheets, they are just exhausted and need somewhere to lay their head. It takes a particularly heartless human being to refuse! I would walk over hot coals for my kids! If our son or daughter were anywhere in Scotland (or in drive-able distance) and asked for help, my dh would be on the way and bringing them home immediately. Our kids are still young but they will always have a place to stay in our home!

OP your F is clearly a weak man. I would be considering whether there was any point to continuing your relationship with him. You are about to bring a precious child into this world and you will know that overwhelming feeling of love and protection towards your child. Will your F let your child down the way he has let you down?

GabsAlot · 06/05/2019 11:33

yes i have anxiety and dont like people turning up but if it was ermgency i would at least offer or pay for a hotel and ops father couldnt even do that

TheRedBarrows · 06/05/2019 11:47

"Nobody should have to sleep in their car but it is worse if you're pregnant. It's far more uncomfortable and there is the safety of the mother and baby to think about. You're much more vulnerable to health issues and less able to fight or flee from danger. Even a normal bed is uncomfortable when you're pregnant."

Not to mention the needing to go to the loo more often.

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