To be furious at my spineless dad?!

[LocoChanel]

I was attending a friends wedding yesterday 4 hours away from where I live, but only 15 minutes from where some of my family live. I was supposed to stay at my sisters after the wedding, as she was only a short drive away but at 4pm she text me and said she thinks they might have norovirus in the house as three of them were very ill from both ends. Being 29 weeks pregnant it obviously would be stupid for me to stay there given those circumstances. I didn't see her text until about 7.30pm, at which point I rang my dad and explained and asked if I could stay at his. He started to say yes of course, then I heard his wife in the background, he mumbled to wait a second and then said he'd call me back. I assumed all was ok but then at 8.30pm I get a text saying I can't stay as it wasn't pre-arranged. I text back and just said to not worry about clean sheets or tidy house, I was exhausted and would literally just need a bed or sofa to pass out on if at all possible, again he replies that his wife doesn't like plans that aren't pre-arranged and it won't be possible and apologising profusely. I didn't have anyone else in the area I could ask, and I didn't have enough money for a hotel so I just ended up starting the drive home and stopped for a few hours sleep in a couple of service stations.

AIBU to be so annoyed? I know it's not their fault that my sister was ill and that I couldn't afford a hotel, but the fact I literally heard him saying yes just to be told no by his wife has really wound me up. Who is that spineless they can't say to their partner that of course their child can stay even if it's not pre-arranged?

No, the person to blame is her dad who abandoned his own daughter.

No - the person to blame is the weak dad.

It’s he dad who should love his daughter and welcome her into his home. He should not have married such a vile woman, and he should have sufficient loyalty to his daughter to stand up to her.

If it caused a massive blow up he should have walked out and paid for a hotel for his daughter.

Awful.

There are some things that you surely don't really need to clear with your OH & I would have thought adult daughter suddenly needing a bed for the night is one.

He could have made it possible if he had wanted to-or even suggested a hotel & offered to pay if Op said that she couldn't afford it.

I don't think she is are - the OP is HIS DD and it was up to him to fight for her. He didn't, he put his DD in danger. I wonder how they'd have felt if she'd crashed her car driving when tired

Isnt the person to blame, the step mum?

she is to blame but he is carrying out her orders and putting her wishes ahead of his child and grandchilds safety. that makes him 50/50 in my eyes. he has a voice of his own and (presumably) a joint name on the house his daughter is asking to stay in.

I think words need to be exchanged.

If you keep quiet will he get in touch with you?

If you keep quiet for, say, 11 weeks will he get in touch?

Is he a Facebook friend of yours?

Awfully unkind of your father's wife and totally spineless of your dad. I think the text skiptheskip wrote would be good to send

That’s awful. Spineless, yes. How can he have thought it ok for you to have to drive 4 hours tired at 8.30 pm? As a parent I would have been worried sick.

There is the other MN law which is that parents should always stand by their children.

That’s dreadful OP. Hope you’re feeling more rested, that your sister is better and that your Dad feels bloody awful.

My dad is similar to this, in his defense you don't yet know what conversation took place between them and he did say yes.
BUT I would be messaging to ask what she has had to say about the matter you didn't ask to sleep in their bed, you didn't ask to be fed and he has as much right to decide what goes on in his house as she does, so if she has vetoed the decision he made I would be asking for HER reasons why.
YADNBU in my opinion pre arranged means a phone call beforehand instead of just turning up.

I too think you should let your Dad know how upset you are that he wouldn't put you up in an emergency and this meant you had a long drive home late at night, having to sleep in a service station. This would have been bad enough under any circumstances, but at 29 weeks pregnant it's even worse.

It's not even as though there was a good reason for refusing to put you up. So his wife prefers pre-arranged guests? Fine, on a general basis- but given these particular circumstances she should have been willing to make allowances.

I'd be deeply disappointed to be treated this way by my father/step mother and I'd want them to know. And then keep my distance, for a while at least.

Stick up for your wife, stick up for your daughter. No wonder men are always wrong!

I can only imagine the thread from the wife's point of view if he had said yes "Step-daughter thinks she has a right to impose herself on us at the last moment" and lots of wailing MNers telling the wife that she has a "DH" problem.

Just get a hotel.

Hopo did you not read that OP couldn't afford a hotel? And I can guarantee that if a woman posted her pregnant SD needed an emergency place to stay for the night then no one on MN would day it's OK to turn her away

But yes, mEn arE tHe ReaL ViCTiMs HerE

@GunpowderGelatine....I think there are plenty on mumsnet who would say just that. 'its your home and you have a right not to be invaded' etc.

I think your dad let you down. i can't fathom leaving anyone with no bed for the night if they asked me, let alone my own child. mind blowing.

"Can't afford a hotel".

But can afford a 4 hour each way drive and an outfit for a wedding... a travelodge really beyond the pale...? Sorry but I'm somewhat sceptical.

I don't care either way but I think the Dad is screwed here stuck between two women with opposing views that believe their needs are the ones he should prioritise.

My solution would have been for dear dad to pay for her to stay in a hotel if she is so hard up. Shame he didn't think about that one.

Hopo travelodge on a Saturday last minute could be £100. Are you on of those MN who don't understand that not everyone has thousands in their account?

Also was the OP supposed to look in a crystal ball, realise she may have to fork out for a hotel, and not buy a dress and I imagine the petrol for her journey was already in the car.

Are you her stepmum?

Hopo
Sounds like you live a different life from op. She didn’t budget for a hotel and had already forked out a considerable amount to attend the wedding. Totally plausible she ran out of funds.

Only read page one,,thats pretty piss poor,,

Agreed its a totally shitty way to behave and no way would I behave like it. However how many times do we read posts on here saying people should never pop round unexpectedly, how rude it is to turn up with out an invite or to invite yourself it doesnt surprise me that she acted this way.

Its not popping round unexpectedly though. It's a man who's had a call from his daughter who's stuck for a place to stay for one night. I'm a loather of "popper rounders" but I'm not stone cold and would never turn away anyone least of all family in this predicament

Sounds like the dad in Fleabag. That's shocking OP

I actually think Hopo has a valid point.

There are threads on here that reveal many many people who don't like visitors at the best of times, and certainly not last minute guests. Many threads encourage MNers to demand their partners side with them at all costs.

This sis the other side to those scenarios.

Interesting.

Agree sweeney but this isn’t some randomer who has popped in unannounced for a cuppa, it’s his own offspring who has suddenly been let down for a place to stay for the night to be told there’s no room at the inn.
He should be ashamed of himself.