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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious at my spineless dad?!

190 replies

LocoChanel · 05/05/2019 20:36

I was attending a friends wedding yesterday 4 hours away from where I live, but only 15 minutes from where some of my family live. I was supposed to stay at my sisters after the wedding, as she was only a short drive away but at 4pm she text me and said she thinks they might have norovirus in the house as three of them were very ill from both ends. Being 29 weeks pregnant it obviously would be stupid for me to stay there given those circumstances. I didn't see her text until about 7.30pm, at which point I rang my dad and explained and asked if I could stay at his. He started to say yes of course, then I heard his wife in the background, he mumbled to wait a second and then said he'd call me back. I assumed all was ok but then at 8.30pm I get a text saying I can't stay as it wasn't pre-arranged. I text back and just said to not worry about clean sheets or tidy house, I was exhausted and would literally just need a bed or sofa to pass out on if at all possible, again he replies that his wife doesn't like plans that aren't pre-arranged and it won't be possible and apologising profusely. I didn't have anyone else in the area I could ask, and I didn't have enough money for a hotel so I just ended up starting the drive home and stopped for a few hours sleep in a couple of service stations.

AIBU to be so annoyed? I know it's not their fault that my sister was ill and that I couldn't afford a hotel, but the fact I literally heard him saying yes just to be told no by his wife has really wound me up. Who is that spineless they can't say to their partner that of course their child can stay even if it's not pre-arranged?

OP posts:
losingfaith · 06/05/2019 00:30

I'm not sure I'd be quick to forgive that. My dads house has an open door policy. And if he hadn't been nearby, he would have moved heaven and earth to make sure I was safe and had somewhere to sleep even if it meant him booking a hotel for me. Pretty poor behaviour on his part even before you factor in how far you're into your pregnancy. Definitely send him the text proposed.

OutOntheTilez · 06/05/2019 00:47

Oh, OP, that’s terrible! YANBU. What a terrible way to treat his own daughter, pregnant or not.

Skiptheskip said it perfectly. Tell him that.

And I wouldn’t let the wife get away unscathed, either. Next time you see her, give her a few choice words.

My BIL has changed over the many years married to my SIL (still the first wife). She thinks who she is, she behaves like a princess, and he treats her like one.

Trust me, she’s not that deserving.

DeRigueurMortis · 06/05/2019 00:51

How awful.

In similar circumstances my DF would have moved heaven and earth to help me.

He is utterly spineless and worthless.

As pp's have suggested I'd text him to make your feelings known and Skip's suggestion re: a response is a good one.

It doesn't seem to be unusual though. There are so many threads/posts about men who prioritise their "new" relationship over their children.

Equally I can't understand women who enter into a relationship with a man who has children and then seeks to undermine that paternal relationship - it's awful behaviour (I'm a step mother btw).

He should be ashamed, but tbh I think he's too busy being a weak and ego centric man whose happy to look after himself and indulge his selfish wife and that's sadly the measure of the man he is.

7salmonswimming · 06/05/2019 00:58

I have never called anyone out on this sort of thread before, but this is awful.

Awful of the stepmother - whether or not she knew you had no choice but to sleep in the car, you’re her husband’s child. If you ask for a bed for the night, she should do it for him if not the child. Utterly, utterly selfish.

Awful of him - for all the reasons above.

I would be very bald in my next conversation with him. “Dad, so you know, I drove home that night, alone, 29 weeks pregnant, and slept in the car for a couple of hours at 2 different service stations so I didn’t have an accident. This was after I asked for a bed in your house for a night and you refused because your wife didn’t want me there. You need to know that this incident has changed the way I see you, in a way that’s not pleasant. Please think about this. And before anyone says anything about me being a martyr or dramatizing things, this is exactly what happened. I wasn’t obliged to tell you that I couldn’t afford a hotel room (as it happens all the travelodges were already booked solid). As your daughter, I don’t feel I should have to justify requesting a roof over my head for a night. I do feel you and your wife have to justify why I wasn’t allowed to stay over.”

FireflyEden · 06/05/2019 01:23

I would of just turned up and ignored her. Failing that if she wants to be such a bitch to you tell her to come speak to you on the phone and let her tell you herself.
As far as your dad is concerned, yes he is spineless. I am so sorry OP.

squigglekat · 06/05/2019 01:26

That’s awful! YADNBU.

I hate spontaneous plans but of course in this sort of situation that would be tough shit.

Caucho · 06/05/2019 01:54

Spineless is a reasonable description. The fact that he had to hang up and call back an hour later seems on the face of it that he had a bit of scrap with his wife and caved in. The only way I could defend it would be if you’ve really terrible and nasty to the wife so in them circumstances she’d be entitled to say fuck you. If there’s no back story he’s being a wimp and a shit dad

julensaor · 06/05/2019 02:04

Another vote for Skiptheskip's message
“Dad, I had to drive 4 hours home last night. I’m 29 weeks pregnant, I was so exhausted I had to stop to sleep in my car in a service station. You really let me down, I’m so disappointed in you as a father”.

Caucho · 06/05/2019 02:04

Having read the update it seems like you hate her as she had an affair with your dad and presumably hurt your mother. You admit he is the one to blame the most quite rightly but if you’ve deliberately blanked her for ages then she might feel entitled not to do you any favours. Having said all that your dad should have overruled her and insisted on you staying but I get the impression from the whole back story she rules the roost and he’s a coward. I will actually defend the wife (despite the affair) because you justifiably haven’t been nice to her but it’s your dad to blame 100%

VetOnCall · 06/05/2019 03:04

Jeez we could have the same father. Mine had an affair and fucked off when I was 10 and what you've just described is exactly the kind of stunt he and his now-wife would have pulled because she's a bitch who couldn't stand that he'd had a life before her, and he's a spineless twat. We've been completely NC since I was 24, so about 13 years now, after he spectacularly let me down just one too many times and I told him to fuck off and never contact me again. I can honestly say that I've never missed him or wanted to get back in contact, it's one of the best things I've ever done for my sanity and self-worth. I'm sorry though OP, if you're still going through it it fucking sucks.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 06/05/2019 04:34

Don't be as cowardly as him.
Let rip!!

I'd be texting him today informant him that you are disgusted in him and that after you had managed to forgive him and his bitch for prior behaviour that this is just to far and to piss off out of your life.
Don't let him be a thought in your head.

Just wish him well and say he hopes he has a good life with Hagather while you raise his beautiful grandchild who will never know him.

WellThisIsShit · 06/05/2019 06:19

Oh you poor thing.

Why are so many men like this? Can we make sure we are not bringing up our male children to do the same thing to the next generation? Because something went really wrong with this older generation and the can’t do anything about that, but we can do something about our own children growing up now...

GreenDragon75 · 06/05/2019 06:35

Caucho - are you reading the same thread as everyone else? The op hasn’t said any of that.
It was despicable behaviour on both their parts. You need to text and tell him. Don’t just leave it.

SnapesGreasyHair · 06/05/2019 06:44

@LocoChanel - what are you going to do?

Ruru8thestars · 06/05/2019 06:50

That’s terrible!

Ifeelbloodyawful · 06/05/2019 07:12

That's terrible! Shock

I can't believe he hasn't even checked that you are OK either. Angry

Are you going to text him and tell him the awful position he put you in?

YouJustDoYou · 06/05/2019 07:14

My step mother was like this woman. My usually strong dad always just did what she demanded. So sad.

Clutterbugsmum · 06/05/2019 07:16

I hope you are feeling more rested today LocoChanel.

Personally I wouldn't bother contacting you dad, he has shown you how he feels. And if and when he contacts you I would just explain that I was still very angry with him, that not only did he not allow me stay 1 night in an emergency, but he hadn't even bothered to make sure you, his pregnant daughter got home safely. And he shown clearly how he felt and I would contact him when I was ready. And leave it at that.

Don't blame the SM yes she a bitch in telling him to tell you could not stay, but HE chose to tell you. HE could quite easily have told her that you are staying ONE night as it was an emergency. I would put even more distance between you and him. I'm guessing if you think about it that it is you that keeps contact going.

youarenotkiddingme · 06/05/2019 07:42

Alexa what you say is true that many do refuse or make clear spontaneous visitors are not welcome.
Many here have admitted the same.

But we've also all said there's no way we'd leave family or friends stranded in the middle of the night. It's a totally different situation.

JenniferJareau · 06/05/2019 07:53

I'd send Skip's reply word for word. He needs to know how you feel.

RhiWrites · 06/05/2019 07:57

He wouldn’t give his pregnant daughter a bed for the night because it hasn’t been planned. He’s not just a shit dad he’s a pretty shit human.

cafenoirbiscuit · 06/05/2019 08:04

I’d have parked the car outside their house and slept in it. And put a note on the windscreen saying ‘I’m Loco’s daughter. They won’t allow me to sleep in the house hence I’m sleeping in the car to get some rest before heading back to xxxx. That should get the neighbours talking ...
I really hope you’re ok. What a bloody awful situation.

IsYourGoogleBroken · 06/05/2019 08:07

Interesting take MN has on this!

There are swathes of posters on countless hreads who apparently don't answer door bells unless its rearranged; apparently family shouldn't drop in unannounced or without x amount of notice. Those posters always make large of their undiagnosed anxiety. Perhaps the SM in this instance is one of those? doesn't like her routine upset and has anxiety or doesn't like being treated like a hotel?

But FWIW I never understand these types of relationships where you have to ask family for simple courtesies. Its utterly dysfunctional.

And all the suggestions up the thread come from more dysfunctional viewpoints. Are you going to cut him out completely, knowing that he in a coercive and controlled relationship?

heyd · 06/05/2019 08:13

Shocking behaviour. Are you going to discuss with him?

sandalsinthebin · 06/05/2019 08:14

That’s unbelievably awful and odd behaviour, but please don’t dwell on it or give it any energy OP. Karma always balances out.

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