To be furious at my spineless dad?!

[LocoChanel]

I was attending a friends wedding yesterday 4 hours away from where I live, but only 15 minutes from where some of my family live. I was supposed to stay at my sisters after the wedding, as she was only a short drive away but at 4pm she text me and said she thinks they might have norovirus in the house as three of them were very ill from both ends. Being 29 weeks pregnant it obviously would be stupid for me to stay there given those circumstances. I didn't see her text until about 7.30pm, at which point I rang my dad and explained and asked if I could stay at his. He started to say yes of course, then I heard his wife in the background, he mumbled to wait a second and then said he'd call me back. I assumed all was ok but then at 8.30pm I get a text saying I can't stay as it wasn't pre-arranged. I text back and just said to not worry about clean sheets or tidy house, I was exhausted and would literally just need a bed or sofa to pass out on if at all possible, again he replies that his wife doesn't like plans that aren't pre-arranged and it won't be possible and apologising profusely. I didn't have anyone else in the area I could ask, and I didn't have enough money for a hotel so I just ended up starting the drive home and stopped for a few hours sleep in a couple of service stations.

AIBU to be so annoyed? I know it's not their fault that my sister was ill and that I couldn't afford a hotel, but the fact I literally heard him saying yes just to be told no by his wife has really wound me up. Who is that spineless they can't say to their partner that of course their child can stay even if it's not pre-arranged?

GunpowderGelatine Totally agree. I hate people who pop in, but one night for an emergency would be fine (and I have done exactly that when DD's BF had a transport problem).

I would be devastated if my dad did this. But my dad would never allow me to drive four hours at night while heavily pregnant - it would totally freak him out - he would pay for a hotel room or drive me himself (assuming he didn’t live in the area).

I know my dad loves me and would move heaven and earth for me. It’s really sad for op that her dad is this weak.

Some people on MN just don’t understand being hard up/budgeting/making financial choices. If someone has £150 to spend and uses it to buy a new outfit and attend a wedding then that £150 is gone. They don’t suddenly have a spare £80 or £100 to check into a hotel for the night.
When I was younger I had about £45 left of my salary once I’d paid bills/mortgage/food/essentials, probably the equivalent of £120 nowadays, so I had spare cash for clothes and treats and luxuries. However once I’d spent it, that was that until the following month. If I went to a wedding, with clothes and a present and maybe a haircut it cleared out that months discretionary income. If someone had let me down the way OPs sister and dad let her down I would have had to sleep in the car too - except I couldn’t afford a car.

I think I would have stayed at the sisters then. I understand that it would be a risk, but driving 8 hrs in one day is a risk too. It’s a sad tale, really. But now you know they won’t help out during times of need.

This is why we never go to my D's family without an invite so despite them living 20mins away we see them maybe 2a year.

Making a pregnant lady sleep in service stations late at night alone because she wasn't happy about the short notice is beyond shitty- not someone I would ever make any effort for ever.
Your dad is in a controlling abusive relationship.

stuck between two women with opposing views that believe their needs are the ones he should prioritise
But it's obvious to almost every person on this thread that his daughter's needs are the ones he should have prioritised in this scenario. It's his home too.

Thanks for all the responses. I tried phoning my dad when he started texting me about it not being pre-arranged and he didn't answer. This was yesterday evening and I've not heard anything since and I was just a bit shocked by it. I've not had much to do with his wife to be honest, she refuses to come to any family events that my mum will be at and everytime dad visits he has some excuse about why she couldn't come. She's polite enough when I see her but not overly warm, she seems to always have her hand on my dads arm and he looks at her for approval a lot, my sister remarked on it and I did agree she seemed a bit controlling but this just seemed disgusting. They live in a four bedroom house just the two of them, they have no shortage of space, I wouldn't of cared if the bed didn't even have bedding on (though she does keep the house like a show home so I'd be very surprised if at-least one spare room wasn't prepared)

The two travelodges within an hours distance that I called were fully booked and the cheapest hotel on booking.com was nearly £200 which I didn't have spare as well as money for fuel. I'd carefully budgeted to afford this weekend.

Dreadful. Yanbu.

My dad is exactly the same. SM is a spiteful cow who does her utmost to keep his "old" family at a distance. I rang in hysterics having been left for OW by my ex, dad was about to come over when I heard his wife complain that they were supposed to buy a garden bench that afternoon. So he didn't come see me. At least I know where I stand.

Shocking op, I can’t believe he hasn’t even been in touch to check you got home. I’d send him the message someone earlier wrote and leave him to it

yikes.

Well, you know just exactly how available to be when the day comes that he needs help and support. Your DF should be ashamed of himself.

Making a pregnant lady sleep in service stations late at night alone
I'm on OPs side here, but Dad didn't know she would sleep in a service station and may well have put his foot down with a firm hand if he had known that is what would happen.
May be the case that SM thought OP would drive the 4 hours home?
Or that she would risk the Norovirus?
Has Stepmum got any kids? I'm curious what she would have said if one of her own was stranded and pregnant...

Once again I am on OPs side here, her Dad said yes and was vetoed by the woman he married. Regardless of whether his daughter slept in a service station(jesus thats scary) or the Ritz, he should have told his wife " I've said yes if you have a problem swallow it till my Daughter and unborn Grandchild have gone"

Spineless weak man. I would find this hard to forgive.

Spinneyhill She doesn't have kids, no. None of us have ever called her step mum as she has no desire to be that. We were just baggage that she got stuck with after sleeping with a married man. Always held dad responsible for that rather than her though, as he was the one married, and tried to be welcoming but her utter hatred of my mother (arguably the victim in the whole situation) and her tendency to bitch about her even in front of her kids meant we've all kept contact minimal really, but friendly enough I thought... until last night anyway.

BedraggledBlitz Bloody hell chick that must have stung like a bastard. I'm so sorry

Your df should be ashamed of himself. He doesn’t deserve his title. Have you spoken to your ds about this? Can she shed any light if she lives closer, does she see them more?

I would find this unforgivable too. I can imagine my dad refusing to stick up for me over his wife, but I'm fortunate that my SM would never see me drive 4 hours at night unnecessarily. She'd probably insist I took their bed

Remember this when you are choosing his nursing home

I don’t like unexpected visitors but I would never ever ever turn my child away. Ever. No matter what the reason.

I would tell your Dad that his wife has "won" you feel so let down and appalled at his lack of help and concern towards you that you won't be bothering them anymore.

Oh OP, that's just appalling. How very hurtful of your father to do that.

I would seriously consider sending Skip's message. It might - just might - give him the shake up he so desperately needs. Even if it doesn't, you might feel better for having got it off your chest. Otherwise, the resentment may fester.

Pull him up on it over the phone. Let her hear the position she's put him in,. She won't give a shit but he might wake up to how bad she is making him look if he has to explain it in front of her.
My SM is the same. I insist on calling her that because she took us on when we were kids and let us know she hated it, we never came into her life and demanded anything.
She demanded our dad act as Dad to her kids while forcing us down his list of priorities and our home became her home that she 'let' us live in and dictated our relationship with him as he was now 'her husband' not 'our dad'. Yes I'm bitter about it, No I'm not being unreasonable and neither are you.
Be reasonable and deadly. Your pregnant so you can back down after the birth if you lose your nerve!

Excellent reply by skip.

I'm quite funny about unarranged visitors (ds has asd and I get days of him being off kilter after unexpected guests) but there's no way I'd turn away family or friend who needed a place to stay in an emergency. Someone 29 weeks pregnant would have got my bed, got looked after and I'd have sucked up ds reaction afterwards.

Am a bloke and agree with the others here. What a dork. She sounds like a nightmare too so perhaps they deserve each other.