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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him to go back at the 1850’s?

154 replies

Caffeineprincess · 04/05/2019 19:54

So my OH is getting more and more annoyed about the lack of service..

Backstory we have a DS, who is 2, and I work 4 days a week, from home but it still pretty full on. OH works full time and is on nights ATM.

He complains that I do not cook enough, that I should have food ready for him when ever he wants it.

Today I’m shattered, so I bought pizza, this is not good enough.

He said what’s the point of having a woman at home if I can’t have food now.

I do all childcare and housework and I do cook most days.

I told him to go back to the 1850s, as have had enough of this treatment

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Caffeineprincess · 04/05/2019 22:49

The house is in my name only. We have sep accounts and a joint for bills.

OP posts:
RomanyQueen1 · 04/05/2019 22:49

So what was it that attracted you to a man from a country that oppresses women, when you rightly don't want to be oppressed.
it just sounds so bizarre.

Bluestitch · 04/05/2019 22:52

Fucking hell Deft this is OP's thread, not your memoirs.

OP he's a shit and your life would be alot easier without him in it.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/05/2019 22:52

Ok,so what do you want to do?
Are you a sustainable couple,can +ve changes be made

EL8888 · 04/05/2019 22:59

He’s a charmer isn’t he! He’s rude and has no respect. But you work so you’re not “at home” and even if you were then you do have a child. Maybe he needs a reminder about what you bring to your set up. By you doing nothing and / or reminding him what you earn and the cost of cleaners / cooks / nannies / nurseries / childminders

GabsAlot · 04/05/2019 23:05

kick him out then! hes got no legal rights

Ratatatouille · 04/05/2019 23:06

You’re at home he’s out and doing shit shifts. Just make him food. It won’t kill you.
Yes you’re working but it still gives you the freedom to be in your own house.
If you hate the dynamic go out and work like he does, One child is nothing. You can easily do a one child a job and the house

@deftandglory the reason people are objecting to your comments is because you quite obviously don't understand what 'working from home' means. It's doing an office job, with all the same responsibility, deadlines etc as any other office job, except you are doing it from an office in your home instead of a conventional workplace. Would you expect OP's partner to have time to cook meals and do household chores during his shift at work? Well neither does OP. She is AT WORK. Outside working hours, their child is both of their responsibilities, not just hers. The house is both their responsibilities, not just hers. Whether or not you think it's easy to deal with a job, a child and a house is irrelevant. For someone who has "no truck with misogyny" it's baffling that you don't grasp these simple concepts. And it's fucking insulting on so many levels.

HelenaDove · 04/05/2019 23:51

Gabs yes i heard GS had come back for a one off special but i didnt see it

mineallmine · 05/05/2019 01:08

I think there's a big pile-on on @deftandglory but I actually think she's been misunderstood and keeps trying to explain her point. I THINK her point is that work is not a problem, kids ate not a problem, housework and food etc is not a problem. The problem happens when you have a partner who doesn't act like a partner but just adds to the workload. Or at least, that's what I think she's trying to say.

OP, do you really think your OH is ever going to change? Look down the road 10, 15, 20 years. Do you think he'll have changed his ways, rolled up his sleeves and taken his place beside you? You know that won't happen so start your new life without him now. It'll be so much easier to not have the resentment to deal with every day. The life you have with him is simply not fair. You've told him that but the way things are suit him perfectly so why would he change?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2019 03:29

You knew who he was before you had a child, and nothing has changed. He never will. Continue to live like this or don't, it's your choice. If you choose to stay with him, and you have no reason to, stop complaining. It's time to take control of your life and raise your child in a healthy home.

Limpshade · 05/05/2019 03:53

The house is in your name? Oh ho ho! So you don't need him for anything and as it turns out, he needs you for everything. Close the door on your way out, OP's OH!

Mummaofmytribe · 05/05/2019 04:03

He's utterly selfish and has zero respect for you. You must be exhausted and very unhappy. I'd seriously look at whether you'd be much happier if it were just you and your child at home! You're already living the life of a single mother as it is. You may be much happier actually making yourself officially a single mother and not having to deal with your partner in the house with all the extra work and nasty attitude from him

sj55 · 05/05/2019 05:27

Fuck him off seriously, get some hot young guy and get your brains banged out...enjoy life.

TheSerenDipitY · 05/05/2019 05:45

i would tell him i meant it, and as soon as he left i would change the locks so he couldnt get back in, if he really wants back in he would have to have a total attitude adjustment, its either that or smoother him with a pillow

FinallyHere · 05/05/2019 08:08

Given you say the house is in your name only and you don't think that he takes you seriously when you say 'don't come back'

it's a "change the locks" from me

Can you afford the rent etc without his contribution ?

GabsAlot · 05/05/2019 11:26

its on youtube i think if you want to see it called happy returns

LoveCatzzz · 05/05/2019 14:51

Please do what sj55 suggests, very good advice 👍

silver3 · 05/05/2019 15:15

Ok OP, do not let him use “culture” as an excuse.

Next time he asks, “What is the point of having a woman around the house if there’s no food?” ask him straight back, “What is the point of a man around the house if he can’t even properly provide for his family and his wife has to work 4 days a week?”

Tell him you will make more of an effort than pizza, when he make an effort and gets a better paid job so you can ha e the time.

He is 100% a tosser.

Do not entertain it for a second.

And I say this as someone married to a man who, although non-Muslim, hails from a country where women can’t go out without Islamic clothing. And he expects me to cook for him as well. BUT, he does not expect me to work. He sees his job as facilitating me to bring up the DC. We have a cleaner 3 times a week, so even though I cook, I only have to tidy up, laundry, etc and focus on the kids (who are at school anyway).

If it didn’t feel manageable, I wouidn’t do it. Your H can’t have his cake and eat it. What a tool.

Holidayshopping · 05/05/2019 15:18

Interesting that the house is in your name only? Did he move in with you?

Original poster
Caffeineprincess · 05/05/2019 16:17

Well I could just about afford it. Would be right but then I wouldn’t be miserable.

He moved in with me yes, he didn’t want to go somewhere else as I get a good deal on rent here and he didn’t want to pay normal London rent.

He came back at 3 am, he asked for breakfast this morning, I told him no. So he slept until 3 pm and then went out and took our DS, I asked him where he was going and he got angry and told me he doesn’t have to tell me anything.

I want him to leave but am afraid he will get aggressive/violent.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 05/05/2019 16:22

I want him to leave but am afraid he will get aggressive/violent.

Then get advice from Women's Aid or Police.

HelenaDove · 05/05/2019 17:11

Is he back with your DS yet?

Original poster
Caffeineprincess · 05/05/2019 17:14

Yes finally

OP posts:
Original poster
Caffeineprincess · 05/05/2019 17:23

I am going to the police tomorrow, have logged an incident as there has been more going on than just this .

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 05/05/2019 17:30

With a look

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

All the best , @Caffeineprincess