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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD 13 and errands

133 replies

rabbitheadlights · 04/05/2019 11:57

So this morning I asked my dd13 to nip to the shops for a few items, this shop is not far and the whole journey would be around 20 mins including time in the shop.

Since 10am I've seen every avoidance tactic and when I've just asked her she says "I don't want to go! It's annoying!" For context she's a good kid and does keep her from tidy, wash dishes etc .... But my response was "well in that case "I don't want to give you 30 pounds to go to shopping centre for lunch with friends on Saturday, because you know, it's annoying" So AIBU?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 11:58

It depends. Why does she need to go rather than you?

HBStowe · 04/05/2019 12:00

YANBU. Nobody wants to do chores but they’re a necessary part of existence. It’s as well she learns that now!

Greenyogagirl · 04/05/2019 12:01

It depends, is she anxious or scared about going? Or has been before and just can’t be bothered?

IsYourGoogleBroken · 04/05/2019 12:03

She's lazy. Your purse is now shut tight. That's life.

Leeds2 · 04/05/2019 12:04

I think I would find something that I was going to do for her, such as money for her shopping trip, and tell her that I found it "annoying" and therefore wasn't going to do it. But, if you threaten this, make sure you follow through and do it!

applesarerroundandshiny · 04/05/2019 12:04

She's just acting like a teenager ..... expect a lot more similar behaviour over the next few years !!

Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 12:05

YANBU. Nobody wants to do chores but they’re a necessary part of existence.

Yes, but is this an agreed chore? OP herself says she is generally good, does her share around the house so why does she have to go to the shop on a whim (hence my question)?

If OP is ill, looking after such child etc then of course she should, but if OP just doesn’t want to then I don’t see why her daughter should have to.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 04/05/2019 12:05

No yanbu. At 13 she's old enough to do this and as a member of a household it's perfectly reasonable to help out occasionally. I think your response was spot on and might hopefully have given her pause for thought.

Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 12:05

Sick child, not such child.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 04/05/2019 12:06

Merry why on earth does it have to be an agreed chore Confused? It hardly needs to be set down in a contract does it?

Bigearringsbigsmile · 04/05/2019 12:08

Her daughter should have to because her mother has bloody well told her to!
Christ almighty, the attitudes I see on here sometimes make me despair about the generation we are raising!

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 04/05/2019 12:08

@Merryoldgoat Aside from the fact that I'm her mother and I have asked her too? There is no reason I can't go, it would just make things easier I have a 10 month old , 2yr , 3 yr and 5yr old that I would need to drag along turning a 20 mind errand into at least an hour. I try to teach them we are a team in this house and sometimes we have to do things for the benefit of all of us and not just ourselves, after all that's life surely?

@greenyogagirl absolutely not anxious or scared she does often to buy magazines, sweets etc (but that's for her)

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 04/05/2019 12:08

No, requests like that are part and parcel of being part of a family and give an understanding of wider society.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 04/05/2019 12:12

Same Bigearrings and then you see the threads where posters are at their wits end with a 20 odd year old living at home, contributing nothing, expecting their parents to cook and clean for them and putting their hand out for cash to cover their social life. A glimpse into the future for some...

Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 12:12

What I’m saying is, OP has said her daughter DOES do what’s generally required of her round the house so she’s not ‘lazy’.

When I say ‘agreed’ I mean is it something that she generally does as part and parcel of her chores/helping out?

Or has OP sprung it on her with no real reason?

Why does SHE have to go? My not OP? If OP doesn’t WANT to is it not valid for her daughter not to want to?

Parents are really good and demanding things with no notice and expecting zero pushback and don’t allow children to express their annoyance too.

Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 12:14

Well that’s why I asked!

FFS - you could’ve asked her to go get you chocolate because you couldn’t be arsed - I don’t know and that’s why I asked the question!

Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 12:17

Aside from the fact that I'm her mother and I have asked her too?

And THIS attitude is why you have a load of adults in shitty relationships with their parents all over MN- this authoritarian nonsense.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 04/05/2019 12:18

Even if she was sending her to the shop for chocolate, the child should do as she's told!

It's like all the " you can't MAKE a 13 year old do...whatever"
Yes you can! You are the parent!

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 04/05/2019 12:20

Merry she's been asked to nip to the shops, it's not an arctic expedition with half an hours notice! Frankly you sound like a 13 year old yourself: "Why SHOULD I, why can't YOU?"

She was asked to pick up some bits in the local shop, it's not an unreasonable request and there's no basis for assuming her mother is just lazy and cba. It's hardly a huge ask of an able bodied 13 year old whatever the reason.

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 04/05/2019 12:20

For what's its worth she has just appeared, dressed, hair done and ready to go! Seems she didn't want to miss out on her shopping trip after all.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 12:22

Why? Seriously, why should you be able to FORCE your child to do something because you don’t want to? Something non-essential like getting you chocolate because you can’t be bothered yourself?

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 04/05/2019 12:23

That's good Rabbit now fingers crossed this hasn't destroyed your future adult relationship with her, eh? Wink

ch3rrycola · 04/05/2019 12:24

I used to hate going to the shop for milk for my mum, so boring but sometimes she'd give me £1 for sweets. You're giving her £30 so she needs to get off her lazy arse.

ChoudeBruxelles · 04/05/2019 12:24

Yanbu. Ds (13) wants a fiver to go into town with friends later (he’s already spent all of this months pocket money). He has emptied the dishwasher, changed his bed and put the sheets on to wash and is going to walk the dogs for it.

I’d expect a lot more than nipping to the shops for £30.

Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 12:25

You’re all missing my point - it would be nice of her, I’m not saying she shouldn’t or that it’s unreasonable to ask.

But it’s not reasonable to FORCE her. It’s more important to make her understand it’s good to help, good to be part of the family etc and see the consequences.

FWIW I did full weekly shops at that age, alone, asking for credit too because my mum was too embarrassed to do it herself. So I know full well about ‘errands’.