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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD 13 and errands

133 replies

rabbitheadlights · 04/05/2019 11:57

So this morning I asked my dd13 to nip to the shops for a few items, this shop is not far and the whole journey would be around 20 mins including time in the shop.

Since 10am I've seen every avoidance tactic and when I've just asked her she says "I don't want to go! It's annoying!" For context she's a good kid and does keep her from tidy, wash dishes etc .... But my response was "well in that case "I don't want to give you 30 pounds to go to shopping centre for lunch with friends on Saturday, because you know, it's annoying" So AIBU?

OP posts:
OwlBeThere · 04/05/2019 12:27

Yanbu. You’re the parent you tell her to go she goes or there is a consequence. In the real world you don’t get to pick and choose which bits of life you fancy doing.

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 04/05/2019 12:27

@Merryoldgoat surely in life we all have to do things that we don't necessarily 'want' to do? I can't see how I would be doing her or the wider world any favours in allowing her to believe otherwise.

OP posts:
ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 04/05/2019 12:30

She hasn't been FORCED Merry and you're clearly projecting! I was another who had to do a lot at a young age but I'm capable of differentiating between having far too much responsibility and a request to nip to the shop by a parent who's happy to let her child go off for the afternoon with £30 to spend. You on the other hand have filled in the blanks to suit your narrative.

OwlBeThere · 04/05/2019 12:32

@Merryoldgoat it’s not authoritarian nonsense to pitch in with you family and raising a pampered kid who doesn’t do things if they are ‘sprung on her’ is just as damaging.
I’m a very liberal parent. I don’t ask a great deal of my kids, but in return when I DO ask then saying no (barring Illhealth, or needing to do homework etc) isn’t an option. Hmm

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/05/2019 12:33

I've been the elder sibling like this and it sucks. I didn't have any choice in the numerous children that followed but was expected to do a lot of chores because of decisions others made.

Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 12:34

Yes, but what I was trying to get at was why she needed to go as the answer (in my opinion) varies with the reason.

‘DD - I think you refusing to go is unkind. It would take you 20 mins there and back. If I go I have to dress 3 children’s and a baby, supervise everyone and it would take an hour. I’m being kind to you by giving you money to go out later. Maybe I’ll rethink my kindness if you can’t show any.’

Vs

‘Well, I can’t be bothered to go so you have to’

All I’m saying is context would’ve been useful. And yes, we do have to do things we don’t want to, but sometimes we don’t and I think if the reason you didn’t go was ‘cant be arsed’ her having the same excuse is valid.

That is all I’m saying.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/05/2019 12:35

surely in life we all have to do things that we don't necessarily 'want' to do

Yet you didn't want to go to the shops so didn't. Or does it only apply to children?

Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 12:36

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I hear that too.

Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 12:37

@OwlBeThere

No, the authoritarian response is ‘I’m your mum and I say so’

At no point have I said she shouldn’t be expected to pitch in.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 04/05/2019 12:39

If you don't have the authority with your children to h get them to go the shop at 13 then how are you going to have the authority to stop them doing dangerous things when they're older?

Bookworm4 · 04/05/2019 12:39

@merry
Seriously you can't ask a child to do a chore without a discussion/explanation? No wonder there are so many entitled lazy young people.
OP
Glad she's got off her lazy bum.

Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 12:40

@ImNotHappyaboutitPauline

My comments about being forced relate to the several posters who commented that essentially ‘because you said so’ is reason enough.

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 04/05/2019 12:41

I wasn't sure if I was BU as like I said she's usually a good kid ... This change of attitude is new and I don't want it to become embedded which is why I took the stance I did. It obviously worked this time and I will take that. I just don't want her growing up thinking anyone/the world owes her something this shipping trip is extra on top of what she normally gets pocket money wise and treat wise, and it wont be something I can do often she is going to have to learn to manage her money etc and yes before it starts I'm aware that's it's my job to teach her.

Thanks for the responses she has gone now and will be back shortly, I've just had a text saying "sorry mum x" so hopefully she understands and our future relationship can sustain the blow @ImNotHappy

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 04/05/2019 12:42

@Bookworm4

At no point did I say you couldn’t ask her or expect her to - but if she doesn’t want to then I think a discussion along the lines of the above is better than ‘go because I said so.’

RSAcre · 04/05/2019 12:43

It depends. Why does she need to go rather than you?

Good grief. Because she's been asked to?
Because kids need to understand that boring chores need doing?
Because her mother is not her slave?
Because she's old enough to be given a little responsibility?

NunoGoncalves · 04/05/2019 12:44

And THIS attitude is why you have a load of adults in shitty relationships with their parents all over MN- this authoritarian nonsense

God what an overreaction. OP asked her daughter to do her a favour. People started implying that there needed to be some sort of established chore routine or something for this to be fair, which is absurd. It's totally reasonable to ask your teenage kids to do things for you sometimes, just as the parents often do things for them. It's part of teaching them responsibility, kindness, etc.

OP I think you are right to point out that you were going to pay for her to go out and that such generosity and kindness should go both ways.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 04/05/2019 12:46

Is it just one errand though? What else does she do for you? Does she spend a lot of time caring for / occupying the smaller children for you?

So often the oldest girl in a large family ends up losing their childhood to be an extra set of hands for their stretched parents.

She should be allowed to be a stroppy teen, and go to the shops with her friends. That's all pretty normal. Do you think maybe you're expecting her to grow up too quickly because you need her to get things done for the other children and for you? I don't know if that's fair on her.

I have a friend who was the oldest of 6 and she wanted her tubes tied in her 20s- she was deeply resentful that she'd already spent decades raising children and never wanted to be trapped like that again.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 04/05/2019 12:46

I woke up at 8am, took my tablets (9 of them) and went back do bed. Ds14 came in at 10am asked if I was getting up, I said in a little while I just needed a little more sleep as it was gone 4:30am when I finally fell asleep.

I got up at 11:30am, he had cleaned the kitchen, filled and turned the dishwasher on, put a load of ‘darks’ on to wash in the washing machine, tidied the living room, opened the blinds and curtains and had made himself poached egg on toast. Smile

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 04/05/2019 12:48

@IceCream ... If you have issues from your childhood I suggest you deal with them ... I too was the oldest sibling and I have been there. I will never put upon my daughter like that but as with all things there has to be some give and take. Te things I'm asking her to get were unavailable on my shopping delivery otherwise there would have been no need for her or I to go, it's a one off situation .

OP posts:
Takethebuscuitandthesink · 04/05/2019 12:53

A household requires a constant flow of food and other supplies to run effectively. It is perfectly reasonable to expect her to nip out every now and then to pick up bits and bobs. You have explained you going means inconveniencing all the other kids and isn’t practical. Knowing she understands that I would be incredibly annoyed if she is refusing to contribute in such a minor and easy way.

FancyAPint · 04/05/2019 12:54

OP that was a good call.

The only thing I'd say (which you may have done anyway) is not to demand it right this minute but say e.g. at some point in the next hour can you .... I only say this as it used to infuriate me when my mum used to demand i do something right this second! Same as now, if i have chores to do i need to build up the right mindset/motivation, esp if it involves getting ready and leaving the house! Unless of course it's urgent/emergency.

FancyAPint · 04/05/2019 12:55

On that note I guess I should get out of bed and do the housework since it's lunchtime.....

NunoGoncalves · 04/05/2019 12:55

Yet you didn't want to go to the shops so didn't. Or does it only apply to children?

It's called sharing responsibility. It's something you can and should do with your kids as they grow up.

You do things for your kids, they do things for you, same as you do with your OH.

I don't think OP has ever said she is FORCING her DD to go. Just pointing out that she does things for her too and encouraging her to be helpful. Strange that she has received any backlash for that given the amount of threads on here complaining about lazy, "entitled" teenagers.

Eyequeue · 04/05/2019 12:55

I have a 10 month old , 2yr , 3 yr and 5yr

You've got a lot of very young kids (why??)

Hope your DD isn't expected to look after them all and that she gets some attention from you.

OwlBeThere · 04/05/2019 13:03

@Eyequeue....in what world do you think it’s any of your business to ask the OP why she has the children she does??
I was a young Carer for my mum from aged 8 or so, by 13 I was effectively running our household. That doesn’t mean that ‘because I said so’ isn’t a perfectly valid reason sometimes. My job is to raise competent human beings.