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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD 13 and errands

133 replies

rabbitheadlights · 04/05/2019 11:57

So this morning I asked my dd13 to nip to the shops for a few items, this shop is not far and the whole journey would be around 20 mins including time in the shop.

Since 10am I've seen every avoidance tactic and when I've just asked her she says "I don't want to go! It's annoying!" For context she's a good kid and does keep her from tidy, wash dishes etc .... But my response was "well in that case "I don't want to give you 30 pounds to go to shopping centre for lunch with friends on Saturday, because you know, it's annoying" So AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 04/05/2019 13:04

@Eyequeue why? Because I chose to not that it is any of your business!

No she isn't expected to look after them at all! If that were the case then I wouldn't be asking her to go would I? I would leave her with them and go myself! How very rude and presumptuous of you.

@Fancyapint yeah I just said can you to nip to the shops today ... There was no time limit .

OP posts:
NunoGoncalves · 04/05/2019 13:06

I can't believe someone asked why a person has so many young kids. WTF

A lot of projection going on in this thread I think. There's really nothing sinister about firmly asking a teenager to pop to the shops for you at the weekend.

SheldonSaysSo · 04/05/2019 13:15

I agree with you OP, you are her parent and you've asked her to go (this is a good enough reason in itself). Besides the fact everyone in the house has to help out especially when getting £30 to go for lunch with friends.

HBStowe · 04/05/2019 13:16

She should be allowed to be a stroppy teen, and go to the shops with her friends. That's all pretty normal. Do you think maybe you're expecting her to grow up too quickly because you need her to get things done for the other children and for you? I don't know if that's fair on her.

What a load of stupid, hand-wringing tripe. She was asked to do a 20 minute round trip to pick up some groceries, not single handedly raise 3 children. And if she’s to be ‘allowed’ to be a stroppy teen, what’s to stop her from turning into an entitled adult?

If every time I had a teenage strop my mother had said to me ‘sorry darling, I forgot that it’s your god-given right to moan and indulge in a persecution complex and not contribute to this family, I shouldn’t have asked you’ then I would have grown up to be a selfish arsehole with no sense of community. Parents owe it to their kids to teach them better than that, and OP is doing absolutely the right thing by teaching her daughter that sometimes we all have to pitch in and help out for the sake of our community.

BertrandRussell · 04/05/2019 13:18

“It depends. Why does she need to go rather than you?”
Because she’s part of a family community and everyone has to do their bit to keep a family community running smoothly. HTH.

user1487194234 · 04/05/2019 13:22

I couldn't be bothered arguing about it and would let it go
Mine have a lot on at school and I am happy to let them have some chill time at the weekend

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 04/05/2019 13:34

I'm with @rabbitheadlights here, she's asked her DD to go to the shop, I often ask one of my DSs to pop to the shop also. They don't want to go? Fine, I don't want to play taxi driver next time they want a lift. You get what you give and it's all about team work here

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 04/05/2019 13:35

@user1487.... I certainly wasn't arguing she made a statement I gave a reply that was the end of it as far as I was concerned.

She chose to return a while later and was ready to go.

The long and short of it is that I have no intention of raising any of my children to be selfish and or entitled. I wonder how many of the PP's future DIL OR SIL will be on here moaning about their spouses in years to come.

OP posts:
duckme · 04/05/2019 13:39

You've asked/told her to. She should do it, especially since she's expecting some money from you to go out with her friends.
It's best she learns now that she'll have to get used to doing things she finds boring or annoying as she gets older.

BarbedBloom · 04/05/2019 13:47

She was probably a bit tired or feeling lazy so didn't fancy it. She has since gone so all worked out fine in the end. It sounds like she pitches in normally. Even as an adult I do sometimes have a cba moment.

It is fine to ask people in the family to help out as I am sure you help her in return. As long as you aren't doing the 'because I say so thing' or expecting her to be a constant extra pair of hands with the younger kids, which you aren't, I don't see an issue really.

FWIW I don't agree with the because I say so as I think people should be taught to question things within reason rather than blindly obeying authority and also because I remember being a stubborn teenager and it just wouldn't have worked on me Grin

RuffleCrow · 04/05/2019 13:48

I dont think it does any harm for OP to explain why she needs her help on this occasion - tied up with younger kids etc. "Because I said so" is very dated and does set a bad precedent for future relationships. We need to model reasonableness, fairness and rationality if we want our dcs to grow up thinking those are important qualities.

My dd13 is generally very happy to run the odd errand because she understands it takes me 1n hour to get the younger ones ready and sorted whereas she can nip out in 10 mins. And i make sure i don't exploit her helpful nature by asking for more help than she can spare, given her age and other committments.

CarolDanvers · 04/05/2019 13:53

Interesting that teens are expected to muck in and it’s all part of being a family and doing their bit and so on but parents are never expected to help out their kids once they are adults and said kids will be thoroughly roasted on here if they utter a word of complaint about it.

CraftyGin · 04/05/2019 13:54

I have five children and they do need to chip in. They do what they can as soon as it is age appropriate. There are no debates.

Family life is give and take. If a child wants privileges, they have to put something in.

Eyequeue · 04/05/2019 13:54

This reply has been deleted

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CraftyGin · 04/05/2019 14:00

As a teacher, I have seen so many cases of misguided parenting where children are not allowed to grow and gradually take on responsibility.

The parents do everything.

I have seen 17 year olds who cannot tell the time because they have never had to. Ditto teenagers who don’t know where they live because they are driven everywhere (in London).

Let’s not talk about cooking or laundry...

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 04/05/2019 14:05

What's with MN at the moment? So many rude posters.

I don't have to explain myself to my kids, if I ask them to do something they need to it, I wouldn't have asked if it wasn't important. As for the comment about helping adult DCs, my DF will always help if he can, and we will be the same with our DCs. They will always be our kids, and if they need help we will do what we can to help them

Onceuponacheesecake · 04/05/2019 14:07

No I don't think it's fair of you to tell her to go to the shops because you've had so many children you find it too much hard work to go yourself. That is unreasonable IMO.

BertrandRussell · 04/05/2019 14:08

“Am I unreasonable to ask my 13 year old pop to the shops?”

“You are massively unreasonable to have so many children-you’re single handedly destroying the planet @

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 04/05/2019 14:17

Oh FFS I'm single handedly destroying the planet .... Really ?!?!

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 04/05/2019 14:18

*Given the negative environmental impact your excessive procreating has then I'd say this my business.

Whilst I think teenagers should do errands, I bet your 13 year old is pissed off with you having so many kids in such a short time.*

One of the most CF comments I've possibly seen on here.
@eyequeue
Do you realise how offensive you are? It's none of your business if someone has 2 or 10 kids, should we have none to suit your rabid opinions?

Topseyt · 04/05/2019 14:19

You handled it perfectly. Your DD clearly understood your message and she responded well.

That is all there is to it. I can't believe the bullshit some people are spouting on here.

Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 04/05/2019 14:20

@Onceupon where did I say I TOLD her to go. I asked her there is a difference

OP posts:
Original poster
rabbitheadlights · 04/05/2019 14:23

@Carol likewise where did I say I don't intend to help my DC when they are older? I will do whatever I can whenever I can for my DC while I have a breath in my body!

OP posts:
Eyequeue · 04/05/2019 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

diddl · 04/05/2019 14:28

"No she isn't expected to look after them at all! If that were the case then I wouldn't be asking her to go would I? I would leave her with them and go myself! "

But either way it involves your daughter-and even though you asked not told-her saying no wasn't an option, was it?