Engagement party disaster

[tonymac]

NC as potentially outing.

I had my engagement party on Saturday and it descended into slight chaos. To me, usual family drama, which ended up in a bit of a scuffle - my partner was joint equally to blame for it all - along with some random distant cousin who I've not seen for years.

I was annoyed, ofcourse I was - but I've been around long enough to know these things happen. I'd have preferred it didn't obviously, but I had a bit of a moan when we got home, and then put it behind me and forgot about it. It was an excellent night bar 5 minutes at the end and for me, it can all be forgotten about.

However, one of my friends (who was right in about it all and gave my stepfather a total mouthful of abuse for telling her to go away and stop antagonising the situation) just won't let it go. She's messaging me daily asking how things are and if my partner is still trying to make it up to me. Going on and on about how ridiculous she thinks the whole situation was and how she's so hurt for me. I do appreciate her concern and I know she's just looking out for me, but all I really want to do is forget about it. It's water off a ducks back for me and what's annoying me most is everyone still talking about it a week later.

AIBU to tell her for the millionth time that it's fine and I'm over it and no I'm not leaving DP for it, only with a sprinkling of back the heck off before we fall out included this time?

Punch ups are not the norm!

What’s the wedding going to be like?!

OP, are you sure you’re not enjoying the drama a little bit too?
Your OP is very vague and 140 posts in, nobody actually knows the circumstances of what happened.
If you’d explained it as, “I have never known my DP to be involved in a fight, but at my recent engagement party a cousin I haven’t seen for years got very drunk and for some unknown reason, punched him. DP retaliated but now wishes he hadn’t bothered and we want to put the matter behind us” (or something like that), then people would be able to give a meaningful response.
But you don’t say who was off their face; what happened and why this friend should be involved in a dispute between this random cousin and the DP.
So everything is speculation really.

If I was your friend I’d not be accepting the wedding invite. Your partner was fighting at your engagement party, your step father was winding the situation up rather than trying to calm it down. And you shrug it off because it’s usual.

Well I suggest you readjust your expectations- no one should see this as acceptable, just shrug it off!

Please don’t bring up another generation accepting this shit.

I’m with your friend. I’d be worried about any friend in that situation and even more worried she thought it was acceptable- I’d be worried about what other behaviour of her DH she was letting bounce off her back.

Any —real— solicitor would know (in reference to the documentary about how one punch can kill) that the issues would have nothing to do with contributory negligence and eggshell skulls, before a civil court but rather manslaughter and self defence before a criminal one.

Back to law school for you, OP.

Look op, you have a major problem here.

Your fiance was involved in a punch up with your cousin at your engagement party. Not normal behaviour.
Your fiance refused to tell you what it was about.

You are not yet married and you have issues in your relatuonshio with alcohol, secrets and lack of communication.

But, on the slight off chance you did manage to scrape a qualification, take a lot of business cards with you to the wedding. You can hand them out as favours as it seems from what you’ve said, your guests may need them.

How very different from the home life of our own dear Queen.

Quite.

LOL, there's not an engagement related thread that doesn't bring out the 'don't marry him!' brigade!

I'd just tell friend 'Look, we are all embarrassed by this and putting it behind us, so you bringing this up is stressing me out, please can you let us move on from this'

DH and I come from very working class roots - this really wouldn't be considered normal in our wide circle of friends and family.

Odd one getting drunk and out of order - that occasionally happens - more with friends of family than even wider family - but everyone else would be calming everything down rather than throwing punches.

Either she was really shocked or is enjoying the drama.

I would have thought I don't want to talk about it and//or ignoring any questions or comments about it would shut it down fairly fast. Or outright telling her it's been sorted out and she is upsetting you bringing it up all the time.

I would be beyond horrified if anyone, anyone I knew “threw a punch “, ever. To do it at their own engagement party is so unbelievable I struggling to believe its true.

Your friend is rightly trying to point out that this really really really isn’t normal behaviour

“I’m not convinced that there being plenty of mitigating factors will be enough consolation if your fiancé accidentally kills or seriously injures someone at a party, will it?

I’m not trying to be over-dramatic here, it’s just that what lots of people think is a bit of a drunken scuffle and no harm done can occasionally have life-changing consequences, and you can’t predict which incident will go very badly wrong.”

This is the very definition of over dramatic. Do you have any idea how many pub/ event punch ups happen every weekend in this country? Go on, link to the few instances where one punch has killed someone. That’ll really prove your point

Mumsnet is nothing like the real world.

You lot make me laugh sometimes.

@ImNotNigel by scuffle I mean a few drunken punches were thrown, it was all over in less than a minute, said distant cousin left and everyone was happy leaving.

I’m sorry but this is very much not normal. What’s concerning is that you think that it is. I have never been anywhere where there has been any kind of fight. I can totally see where your friend is coming from.

It’s not a class issue either. DH used to arrange corporate events and bankers/ exec directors etc were terrible for fisticuffs after the rugby. Not to say they weren’t working class, many were. But AB occupations, let’s say

Op this is not normal. Rare disagreements at our family parties are resolved with a lip tightening.

I'm frankly astounded that a scuffle is considered so unusual and I have no shame in admitting that. I've been to various events, both including and not including my own family, and that of friends, colleagues and clients.

I don't know what circles you move in but never have I ever experienced any punch ups at any events or occasions I have attended, of which there have been many. I would quite frankly be mortified if it had been my fiancé.

Mumsnet world. Where nobody ever breaks the speed limit, people burn their tea towels daily and manage to get 7 full meals out of a single chicken...

I used to work in hospitality. Bar work and front of house, with a smattering of events waitressing and silver service. Drunken scuffles like this were so commonplace nobody ever raised an eyebrow. People - usually blokes - have too much to drink and end up in a 5 minute wrestling match. Calling it a fist fight makes it sound like fight club when the reality was more of an enthusiastic extended cuddle.

One thing which was also common, was the drama llamas - who want to milk as much gossip, airtime, attention and excitement out of it as possible. OP, your friend sounds like one of these. I'd respond to her and make a bit of a joke: Thanks for the concern but as I have already said everything's fine and it's all sorted. Let it go!!

Mumsnet is nothing like the real world.

If the 'real world' is scuffles and throwing punches at every social gathering, then that's fine by me, and probably why it feels normal here.

• Mouthfuls of abuse, drunken punches, but itt happens, it’s no big deal  It really doesn’t, op, outside the set of Shameless.

Exactly what ControversialFerret said. It doesn’t matter what happens at your 5 family parties a year. They happen in their thousands, every day of the week. You’ve got no idea what’s normal or not unless you have more experience of events

Value your friend more and appreciate her concern for you. With family like that, you’re going to need friends like her.

Pressed post too soon! This sums it up.

OP, its worrying that this is normal for you.
Your friend is right.

I’m sort of in the middle...... I know what you’re saying as in drunk people occasionally get into scuffles. The bit that is shocking to me is that it’s still not the norm, doesn’t include my family, is not a regular occurrence and you don’t seem that cross.

My husband knows that if he shows me up by getting into scuffles or even raising his voice we’ll be having serious talks about our relationship. He doesn’t drink because he knows how serious I am on this (he got into a ‘scuffle’ when we first met). The difference between you and I I think is that I questioned the relationship after that and he knows to this day that it would be a deal breaker for me.

I used to work in hospitality. Bar work and front of house, with a smattering of events waitressing and silver service. Drunken scuffles like this were so commonplace nobody ever raised an eyebrow. People - usually blokes - have too much to drink and end up in a 5 minute wrestling match

Having worked with the public I can easily believe that – and I supposed some poor sod must be related to such people.

However, most families and social networks do have an idea who need to be kept an eye on and intervened with – and given a look or walked outside or told to behave. Perhaps that's the difference my social circle people jump in and sort it before punches get thrown as it’s not considered acceptable behaviour.