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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed with dh attitude to dsc extracurricular activities?

146 replies

miagerbies · 03/05/2019 19:27

I've nc as I have a new email but I'm a regular, penis beaker, screaming at the sistine Chapel, snapped and farted etc..

I've been married for a year, together 5. Have a ds8 from a previous marriage, no dc together. Dh has 3 dc from his previous marriage - sd10, ss9 and ss6. We have them eow and Tuesdays.

Dh exw enrols their dc in what I believe is a lot of extracurricular activities, and a lot of them fall on dh time with them, mainly Saturdays. For example, sd goes to stage school 10 miles away for 3 hrs, ss1 has swimming lessons and ss6 has swimming lessons also. Ss's also go to Cubs and Beavers on Friday nights.

Dh and I don't drive, so a typical weekend is this:

Friday - I leave work at 2 and go to collect all 3 dsc. Take them home, get their dinner. Get ss1 dressed for beavers. Take ss2 to beavers which is a half hr walk away. Walk back. Get ss1 ready for cubs. Walk half hr back to scout hall. Drop ss1 and collect ss2. Walk back. All this time with ds in tow and dsd at home alone. Dh comes home from work, and leaves to collect dss1.

Saturday - dh leaves for the train station with dsd at 9am. Its a train and bus ride away so he gets back at 11.45am at which point I leave to get dsd. I get home with her around 2.30.

I then watch all the dc periodically through the rest of the afternoon while dh runs around doing swimming lessons with the boys.

I've just found out that dh ex w has just enrolled ss1 in a football class in Saturdays as well!! It's 10am so dh is expecting me to take ds and dss2 to stand around at the football ground every Saturday we have them for an hour in addition to everything else.

She never asks dh for his input on all these clubs, just springs them on us. He can never say no to her. He literally hardly sees his dc all together on the Saturday.

I've said I'm not doing it. I think I do enough. I have my ds 50/50 and I think it's affecting my quality time with him as I'm running around after my dsc all day.

I'm angry with dh for never saying no to his ex w and I'm annoyed he just assumed I'd do it. Am I being mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
miagerbies · 03/05/2019 19:28

I did use paragraphs 😔

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 19:32

I think one of you (him really) needs to learn to drive tbh.

And he needs to be doing all this running around. Not you.

whydoineedanickname · 03/05/2019 19:34

Say no, you’re not doing it anymore. Stop facilitating it. I wouldn’t.

Petalflowers · 03/05/2019 19:36

I don’t think you are obliged to take them to every club when they are with you. At my dc’s club’s, some kids only attend every other week due to this situation. Or maybe have a club-free weekend once a month, maybe the first weekend of every month.

UnicornDust9 · 03/05/2019 19:37

I wouldn’t do it either.

That’s taking the pure piss.

Aimily · 03/05/2019 19:38

Out of curiosity, do the children want to do all of these extracurriculars or are they just being enrolled?

EL2019 · 03/05/2019 19:39

I agree it sounds like a lot.

How does ew manage on her weekends?

EL2019 · 03/05/2019 19:40

What would happen if you just said “no clubs” every other time you had them, so they miss once a month?

ScreamScreamIceCream · 03/05/2019 19:40

It's up to the parent they stay with if they go to clubs chosen by the other parent in their time. So you say "No" and leave him to deal with his 3 children on his own.

OkOkWhatsNext · 03/05/2019 19:40

It sounds familiar, I have three DCs and that sounds like our kind of extra-curricular routine. They do love it and I wouldn’t want to deny them any of it. But can’t imagine doing it without a car!

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 03/05/2019 19:42

Ah no, this is way too much. I'm all for step parents being involved but this is taking the piss Shock. Put your foot down!

MRex · 03/05/2019 19:43

It sounds like a normal amount of activities, but the problem is that they aren't well coordinated for location and for getting the kids together. You aren't seemingly making plans to work around it either, you're just travelling about. Can you get them all ready and your DS go to cubs too, then they're all off out together, take DSD sonewhere near there with the cubs then swap boys and go back to where you were hanging out. Then it isn't all travelling about but doing something.

Likewise on Saturday your DH could just stay with DSD, or better yet get the football or swimming nearby so that he takes the boys while she's in class, then brings them all home. You see how that's just more efficient?

CloserIAm2Fine · 03/05/2019 19:43

If the kids want to do the activities I think DH needs to facilitate them. It sounds like it’s only such a pain because neither of you drive, tbh. I’m not judging as I don’t drive either but it seems the hassle for you would be much less if you had a car!

Do you have them every weekend or every other? If it’s every weekend, are there other groups they could do nearer to you or easier to get to? Or could they swap to a different day when they’re with their mum if she can get them there easier?

I have had Brownies who couldn’t go up to Guides even though they wanted to, because our local unit met on a day they were with their other parent who wouldn’t allow it, and it makes me really sad for the child tbh. We have had plenty who can’t come to trips or camps if they fall on their other parents weekend, which I kind of understand especially if it’s a full weekend away, but I still feel sad that the child is missing out on something they want to do just because their parents aren’t together.

CalmdownJanet · 03/05/2019 19:45

Yanbu! Definitely stand your ground, you do more than enough. Not a cat in hells chance I would do what you do on a Friday either. I think him and the ex are making a fucking eejit out of you actually and I feel sorry for your ds

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 19:46

What would happen if you just said “no clubs” every other time you had them, so they miss once a month?

Don’t do this! It’s not fair on the DC (and they’ve done nothing wrong) or their clubmates especially if they have a performance or badge or project they’re working towards as a team/group. The clubs (apart from football) are already established hobbies and the time to say “no-it doesn’t work for us” has passed. (I would say no to the football though before it starts)

But certainly you’re under no obligation to ferry them around OP. It’s your husband’s job to do.

NailsNeedDoing · 03/05/2019 19:47

I think it's really sad when children are prevented from doing regular activities because they'd are split between homes, so usually I'd think clubs should be facilitated as much as possible. But by the actual parent, not the step parent!

You are totally right to have said you won't do it any more, it's totally unfair on your son, never mind you! Clubs will have to be arranged so that your dh does all the running around or shares it with his ex every week. Maybe you could find something that your son wants to do on a Saturday morning and Friday evening instead, and make that your priority.

bluebluezoo · 03/05/2019 19:48

I’m a big fan of extra curriculars, but you need to be able to fit it all in.

Your dh needs to talk to the ex. Discuss which they can miss, and which are more important they’re attended every week.

I think you both probably need to learn to drive.

Did the kids do all these activities when they were together? I kind of think that should be the starting point, if they did none then he has less obligation to take them than if he ran them round when they were married, iyswim.

Wonderbag · 03/05/2019 19:51

Hardly fair on your ds is it?
Does he fancy cubs or football or swimming? Something they could do together then knock some of the other stuff on the head.

Original poster
miagerbies · 03/05/2019 19:51

If dh said no clubs ex w would hit the roof and probably try to reduce contact. She drives.

I would love to learn to drive, but it's a budget thing really, we really couldn't afford a car plus parking is so bad in our area.

OP posts:
PetrichorRain · 03/05/2019 19:52

Not being mean at all. He definitely needs to be doing all of the running around himself, and if that’s impossible, he needs to tell his ex to stop organising things for his time with his kids.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 19:53

Did the kids do all these activities when they were together? I kind of think that should be the starting point, if they did none then he has less obligation to take them than if he ran them round when they were married, iyswim

I disagree. Children aren’t always the right age for or interested in clubs when parents are together- that shouldn’t preclude them from having hobbies as they grow! And both parents should seek to support that.

reefedsail · 03/05/2019 19:53

If this was the other way round and somebody was here saying ex-DH new partner is preventing DC from attending their extra-curriculars there would be outrage.

So every other weekend you (your DH) has to sort cubs, swimming and drama? That is not that much. Your DH needs to learn to drive and take his kids to the sports etc that they are involved in.

What is your DS doing for sports etc OP?

Original poster
miagerbies · 03/05/2019 19:54

And no, dh and his ew split when the dc were 5, 4 and around 8mo so the clubs have all been in recent times, they've always done swimming which is fine but the other stuff is in the last year or so.

OP posts:
Original poster
miagerbies · 03/05/2019 19:55

My ds does cubs but on his dad's time. I take him to a swimming lesson early on Saturdays.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 19:55

he needs to tell his ex to stop organising things for his time with his kids.

The issue with that is it would mean the children couldn’t do any weekend clubs/classes at all. Because they are weekly clubs, not “every other week” clubs.

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