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Original poster

To be annoyed with dh attitude to dsc extracurricular activities?

146 replies

miagerbies · 03/05/2019 19:27

I've nc as I have a new email but I'm a regular, penis beaker, screaming at the sistine Chapel, snapped and farted etc..

I've been married for a year, together 5. Have a ds8 from a previous marriage, no dc together. Dh has 3 dc from his previous marriage - sd10, ss9 and ss6. We have them eow and Tuesdays.

Dh exw enrols their dc in what I believe is a lot of extracurricular activities, and a lot of them fall on dh time with them, mainly Saturdays. For example, sd goes to stage school 10 miles away for 3 hrs, ss1 has swimming lessons and ss6 has swimming lessons also. Ss's also go to Cubs and Beavers on Friday nights.

Dh and I don't drive, so a typical weekend is this:

Friday - I leave work at 2 and go to collect all 3 dsc. Take them home, get their dinner. Get ss1 dressed for beavers. Take ss2 to beavers which is a half hr walk away. Walk back. Get ss1 ready for cubs. Walk half hr back to scout hall. Drop ss1 and collect ss2. Walk back. All this time with ds in tow and dsd at home alone. Dh comes home from work, and leaves to collect dss1.

Saturday - dh leaves for the train station with dsd at 9am. Its a train and bus ride away so he gets back at 11.45am at which point I leave to get dsd. I get home with her around 2.30.

I then watch all the dc periodically through the rest of the afternoon while dh runs around doing swimming lessons with the boys.

I've just found out that dh ex w has just enrolled ss1 in a football class in Saturdays as well!! It's 10am so dh is expecting me to take ds and dss2 to stand around at the football ground every Saturday we have them for an hour in addition to everything else.

She never asks dh for his input on all these clubs, just springs them on us. He can never say no to her. He literally hardly sees his dc all together on the Saturday.

I've said I'm not doing it. I think I do enough. I have my ds 50/50 and I think it's affecting my quality time with him as I'm running around after my dsc all day.

I'm angry with dh for never saying no to his ex w and I'm annoyed he just assumed I'd do it. Am I being mean?

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 03/05/2019 19:55

I don’t think you’re mean, I think you’re a saint for doing all you do. What did DH say when you told him you were putting your foot down?

Original poster
miagerbies · 03/05/2019 19:58

He isn't best pleased. Tbh I will probably end up doing it because I'm a mug.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 19:58

So if your DS does swimming is there any chance of getting all the boys into the same swimming classes so there is less ferrying for that? You could take them swimming as you’d be taking your DS anyway and DH could take DSD to dance class and then Saturday afternoon is free for you all to be together.

reefedsail · 03/05/2019 19:58

Can you not put all the kids into the same activities as they are doing similar things?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 19:59

Tbh I will probably end up doing it because I'm a mug.

Well........

VenusClapTrap · 03/05/2019 20:00

Sounds like my weekends. Fairly standard activity load. I think it would be mean to deny the kids their hobbies, but I agree with others that it should be their dad doing the running around not you. He really should learn to drive.

NailsNeedDoing · 03/05/2019 20:00

And you can hit the roof if you are expected to keep doing this, it was never going to be sustainable without a car.

Your dh doesn't have to say no clubs, he has to find some way of facilitating them without it being to the detriment of your son. The ex wife can hit the roof all she likes, she can't demand what you do with your time, and nor can your dh.

She is unlikely to reduce contact because she will be appreciating her every other weekend off of doing this running about and having some time to herself. I think sometimes men just use that excuse to second partners because it gives them easier lives.

Youseethethingis · 03/05/2019 20:02

Well I’d be telling him to direct his annoyance in the direction of his ex. It’s the lack of basic respect and courtesy that would piss me off - she should be discussing these things with your DH and they should be making sure they can both work the logistics on their weekends. Without anybody assuming that you and your son don’t have any plans of your own - god forbid.

Original poster
miagerbies · 03/05/2019 20:02

It would be amazing if they could all have the same lessons, but they're all at different levels. Ds is quite competent, dss2 is very cautious in the water and dss1 has mild autism and goes to a class specifically for dc with asd.

OP posts:
YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 03/05/2019 20:03

If the ex wife drives, can DH get them ready for clubs and have the ex do some of the driving on your weekends as well?

Beachbodynowayready · 03/05/2019 20:05

Take a step back and assess how much time your dh actually spends with his dc..... A judge would haul her over for making plans for the dc in their time with df.
I have been your dh.
Exh plucked a load of footy trophies out of a holdall - I kid you not - trying to convince a judge of his demands for ds.
The judge deemed ds's right to have a decent relationship with me +siblings more relevant than all the activities he had booked him in for. See a solicitor, or this is your life for a long time...
Yanbu to insist on changes.

reefedsail · 03/05/2019 20:05

OK, but they could all be in the same cub group and all do football together as it's a new thing.

theWarOnPeace · 03/05/2019 20:09

Why do you do all of the ferrying? Your DH isn’t pulling his weight with his kids at all. You need to get all the boys on a similar swim timetable, you do the pool. When DSD goes to 3hr dance your DH should stay there and get some work done or something while he waits. Can’t your son go to cubs on the stepbrothers’ day instead of when he’s with his dad, or it a different club?

Is it relevant that you’ve seemingly been together since his split with the ex? ie is that why you believe she would like to make things difficult?

Orangecake123 · 03/05/2019 20:10

Just reading all of that is alot and unfair on you !

thelastgoldeneagle · 03/05/2019 20:10

You must have bugger all quality time together. All that walking. It would be better if one of you could drive. But your dh really needs to step up and do more of the facilitating and transporting his dc!!

How does his ex manage to take all 3 of them when it's her weekend??

One club may be fair enough but not all these clubs. Bonkers.

Beachbodynowayready · 03/05/2019 20:12

BTW my ds still played football, but fortnightly as supported by his coach. No need to lose out, just speak to the leader /coach and explain.

CalmdownJanet · 03/05/2019 20:15

Yep mug indeed. But I guess if you are going to act like a doormat then people will treat you as one.

Original poster
miagerbies · 03/05/2019 20:18

I met dh on a night out about 4 months after his split.

She is just a difficult person but she knows that dh would never say no to her so she does what she wants and tbh fair play to her. I'm completely tired of it all sometimes, and just want to take ds and run away.

But ds is devoted to his stepsiblings. He's an only, and they are his favourite people in the world. I just have to suck it up I think.

OP posts:
TheBigFatMermaid · 03/05/2019 20:20

Not long ago there was a mum posting on here that her DC did not want to go to their Dad's eow, as they did not facilitate the activities that they loved. The advice was to stop them going, so they could continue with something so important to them.

Now people are calling the OP a mug for helping to facilitate clubs! MN is a contrary place sometimes!

OP, it is not her or the childrens fault you cannot drive and do not have a car. OK,so you could say that Dad is busy getting the train and cannot be in two places at once. Could you live with the consequences of that? The childrens disappointment?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 20:22

Your DH sounds like a difficult person too.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 20:23

Now people are calling the OP a mug for helping to facilitate clubs! MN is a contrary place sometimes!

Op called herself a mug!! And also, it’s his job to facilitate. Not OPs.

theWarOnPeace · 03/05/2019 20:24

Ok but how does she do it every Saturday? You’re annoyed with the wrong person here. This is your DH’s problem. He needs to learn to drive. He needs to understand he has no business pressuring you into doing any of this. Why is this all down to you to facilitate? That’s not the ex is it? It’s your husband. Our Friday evenings and Saturday mornings are quite highly organised and busy. I don’t think it’s an unusual level of activity, just that you have your own son and his needs, and also no car, plus your husband not facilitating it all himself. It’s not her, it’s him. Deal with him.

LillithsFamiliar · 03/05/2019 20:24

It's ironic that your DS' club eats into his time with his DF but you're complaining about DSCs' clubs eating into time with their DF.
Tbh the amount of clubs isn't excessive and it isn't fair for the DSCs to miss out when they're at your house.
Book your DS into an activity he wants to do. Take him to it and tell DH he has to work out how to ferry his DCs around. You may find that parking isn't such an issue and he'll start driving them around.

YemenRoadYemen · 03/05/2019 20:25

Our kids do a lot of activities and a fair few fall over the weekend. Fridays are off limits however - we do need some socialising time!

The reason this is the problem that it is, is because neither of you drive.

Cherrysherbet · 03/05/2019 20:25

Fair play to you OP. I don’t have step kids, but I really would resent living like that every other weekend. I think the Ex wife and your DH are royally taking the piss.

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