To be annoyed with dh attitude to dsc extracurricular activities?

[miagerbies]

I've nc as I have a new email but I'm a regular, penis beaker, screaming at the sistine Chapel, snapped and farted etc..

I've been married for a year, together 5. Have a ds8 from a previous marriage, no dc together. Dh has 3 dc from his previous marriage - sd10, ss9 and ss6. We have them eow and Tuesdays.

Dh exw enrols their dc in what I believe is a lot of extracurricular activities, and a lot of them fall on dh time with them, mainly Saturdays. For example, sd goes to stage school 10 miles away for 3 hrs, ss1 has swimming lessons and ss6 has swimming lessons also. Ss's also go to Cubs and Beavers on Friday nights.

Dh and I don't drive, so a typical weekend is this:

Friday - I leave work at 2 and go to collect all 3 dsc. Take them home, get their dinner. Get ss1 dressed for beavers. Take ss2 to beavers which is a half hr walk away. Walk back. Get ss1 ready for cubs. Walk half hr back to scout hall. Drop ss1 and collect ss2. Walk back. All this time with ds in tow and dsd at home alone. Dh comes home from work, and leaves to collect dss1.

Saturday - dh leaves for the train station with dsd at 9am. Its a train and bus ride away so he gets back at 11.45am at which point I leave to get dsd. I get home with her around 2.30.

I then watch all the dc periodically through the rest of the afternoon while dh runs around doing swimming lessons with the boys.

I've just found out that dh ex w has just enrolled ss1 in a football class in Saturdays as well!! It's 10am so dh is expecting me to take ds and dss2 to stand around at the football ground every Saturday we have them for an hour in addition to everything else.

She never asks dh for his input on all these clubs, just springs them on us. He can never say no to her. He literally hardly sees his dc all together on the Saturday.

I've said I'm not doing it. I think I do enough. I have my ds 50/50 and I think it's affecting my quality time with him as I'm running around after my dsc all day.

I'm angry with dh for never saying no to his ex w and I'm annoyed he just assumed I'd do it. Am I being mean?

Why should his ex get to dictate what he does with his children and impact on your time. Stop facilitating this if he won't stand up to her then he needs to do the running around. You aren't a babysitter. He is their father. I can't imagine the ex would like it if your dh signed them up for something for her to take them to.

And all the travel time back and fore.

This is what stands out to me:

I have my ds 50/50 and I think it's affecting my quality time with him as I'm running around after my dsc all day.

Your DS is entitled to quality time with his mum. The ExW and your DH can do what they like for their kids but YOUR DS is your responsibility. Why should he get dragged here and there to facilitate other kids when seemingly he doesn't get to do any of this stuff. What happens if he gets a party invite or wants to do a club? Would he be told no as noone can get him there?

The driving thing I think is a red herring. Neither of you drive. ExW knows DH doesn't drive - so presumably she knows he cant do all this alone. It is not up to her or anyone here to demand you learn.

1 person, with the best will in the world, can't accommodate that

Of course he can! Just like I described and you agreed with!! Taxi, take all his DCs, taxi back. It’s really not arduous. And 10 miles is not spread far and wide. It’s really not.

Could EXW not pitch in and help with the ferrying around?

my dc are only 4 and 5 so I'm genuinely curious- is this normal? Do you just enrol them or what age do they start to ask?

I drive but this sounds exhausting after a full weeks work

How does that get the sons to swimming and 1 son to football? All a taxi does is get the dd to drama and the sons tagging along.

As I said, the problem is 3 activities, in different places at the same time.

1 person can't facilitate that.

And 10 miles is not spread far and wide. It’s really not.

And 10 miles is for stage school. How far away are swimming and football? So it isn't only 10 miles. That is only 1 journey.

Could EXW not pitch in and help with the ferrying around?

Hold on, so the EXW has them all the time except for EOW and now has to come and facilitate her ex having them on his weekends as well? One of the children has SEN, she is with them full time, but this is a realistic suggestion? That every two weeks that they’re with their dad, she still has to take them to clubs because he won’t learn to drive and treats his new wife like a doormat? Maybe OP’s DH could actually do some bloody parenting!

How does that get the sons to swimming and 1 son to football? All a taxi does is get the dd to drama and the sons tagging along.

The swimming is in the afternoon and I would say no to the football before it starts. WRT sons tagging along- I said he should do something with them in the location of the drama class. They have 3 hours for father son time. They only have eow contact.

Football distance=irrelevant because I would say no.

Swimming distance is somewhere near their house as he takes them already and it doesn’t take hours. Or OP would have said.

It's difficult to work out times though to know whether stage school and swimming would fit even with a taxi.

And a taxi here for that distance would be upwards of £30 (15 mile uber journey last week cost £40) which they may or may not be able to afford I suppose.

What would happen if you said no? No to leaving work to get them? No to dropping at cubs? No to collecting frame DD?

How would he deal with it then? Because you are allowing this to happen!

Rebook cubs for Wednesday nights and tell XW what she should do with her evenings

If you were not in a relationship with him, how would he manage this? It doesn't look like he could do it without you. It is his responsibility and as his Ex knows he doesn't drive, she needs to bear this in mind.

He didn't drive all the years he was with her, so it's nothing new.

If you are unable to stop doing the crazy runaround, then it's on you. Your OH is not assertive and neither are you.

People will walk all over you. Enrolling them in activities without consulting him, when it impacts on him is not good enough. If he did that everyone would be hurling insults his way.

Could you find some of the same activities in your town? I know some clubs will want to be done with their friends, but swimming could be done at both places.

All I'm seeing is 'He needs to learn to drive' and 'he needs to buy a car'.
All I'm saying to myself is 'You need to pay for it then'!

I find it very frustrating how the other half live and how some of MN-ers just assume that this family can afford driving lessons, and then a car, tax, insurance, maintenance, MOT, servicing, fuel.

If it was that easy don't you think that the family would have done this already? Some of you are in little dreamworld, you're unable to comprehend how not everyone can afford to live like you do.

I'm confused by all the back and forth. Ignoring who is facilitating what for whom at the moment, why would you walk half an hour to take one child to cubs, walk home again to get the second child to then walk them to the same place and then walk the first child home leaving the 2nd child to be picked up by their DF?!

Walk all children to the hall, take everyone not in the first session somewhere eg the park or Costa or wherever. Drop 2nd child at 2nd session then walk home!

It all sounds like a lot of toing and froing for no good reason.

Unfortunately, and this is a general point not directed at you OP, putting kids in clubs sometimes means killing time we would otherwise be wasting at home because our kids enjoy that 45minutes of activity.

But there has to be some sort of line drawn with their mother. She can't make unilateral decisions about clubs.

One of you needs to get on the road.

If this was the other way round and somebody was here saying ex-DH new partner is preventing DC from attending their extra-curriculars there would be outrage.

This ^

I think, when you have 4 dc, that isn't an outrageous number of activities. It becomes more of an issue because neither you nor your dh have ever prioritised learning to drive. Of course it is easier to get them here, there and everywhere when you can drive but I think you'll find a lot of parents facilitate taking their dc to football, cubs, drama, beavers and swimming (between all the dc). Your dh only has to do it 1 evening and 1 day a fortnight from what I understand, which is quite a lot less than most parents do.

Why not get involved, and talk to other parents at the groups - see if you can take the dc and get someone else to bring home or something to do a bit less walking ?

I am a bit torn about this.

I don't think it is an unreasonable amount of clubs, and clearly some of them (the drama and the football) are inevitably going to be on a weekend because that is when clubs like that run. (We have a constant disagreement in our house about the amount of activities my daughter does. And she keeps trying to add more. Honestly, you would swoon...)

But running around after 4 busy children IS always going to be difficult, so in the end something has to give.

Absolutely not OP !!
We went back to court on this specific issue as DH exw did this multiple times to us - with the clubs all 30 miles away near to her, and for one child. Meaning hours in the car on Saturday - having already collected and travelled 45 minutes to us on Friday night - and then hours of hanging around a gym for the others whilst one did the activity. All designed to disrupt and have control over our family time.

Judge was very clear. She was not to book or agree to ANYTHING on our time. That as an equal parent DH was the only one to agree all activities (or none if he chose) during his contact time, and she was not to disrupt contact in this way or (very specific about this) 'not to manipulate the children emotionally in this regard ' . Her main trick being to find some AMAZING activity that one would love like riding, skating etc and then blackmail DH for them not being able to do it - if he refused then the child would refuse contact, preferring to do activity, having been told wrongly that DH didn't care which she chose.

Once we had the ruling we enrolled children in some nearby activities that they were signed up for fortnightly . Leaving plenty of family time .

When we went to court over my SD the judge laid down the law with his ex regarding clubs and activities on our time, the judge made it very clear that weekend time for SD with her dad was to be just that, quality time and up to him to decide what he does with it.

She kept enrolling SD on to clubs and groups here there and everywhere which wasn’t fair on us and the judge actually made a point to tell ex wife that it’s wasn’t fair on me or our other children either. His exact words were ‘it is not for you to decide what dad does with his contact time this will cease immediately’

The solution here is not to learn to drive, you don’t have to fork out literally what £4000+ for one of you to learn to drive simply to please the whim dog ex wife when she can’t even be respectful enough to ask if you can facilitate all these clubs on dads time, who even has that kind of money? I know I don’t.

Secondly it’s not fair on you or your son, you both deserve quality time together and relaxation time on a weekend, it’s impacting him to and he matters just as much as the step children.

I would speak to ex wife first and see if she is agreeable to help out or change the activity to weekdays, if not then you could take it to court and ask the judge to decide.

The idea of having one weekend a month free from activities is good! That way you only have one jam packed weekend and the other is quality time. Please remember you don’t have to facilitate any clubs etc on your time with the kids that’s dads time to decide how to spend not mums.

I wonder why the ex wife has booked these clubs in this way?

Exactly what I’m thinking

His ex must know your dh can’t take the children to all the activities. So she’s telling not only him but you what to do on your weekends. Don’t be a fool definitely no football! Your dss will have to attend eow.

It’s a good idea to consider other options
1 changing contact time to be Saturday after activities,
2 refusing to ferry the dc around,
3 perhaps insisting your dh does the ferrying around so one week he does dancing, the other swimming and you do nothing,
4 as a family you ferry the children around every 4 weeks,
5 your dh learning to drive etc.

With option 4 I meant the other weekend in 4 you have quality family time.

I’m a DSM & my OH’s EW does this all the time. Unilaterally decides that the kids are going something and signs them up without any discussion with the kids dad. It stated to affect our weekends as my OH spent the whole weekend driving the kids to their activities.

Now my OH decides what Hemel facilitate on his time. He’s all for the kids having activities but kids activities don’t rule our weekends. And yes, the Ew kicked off..... but not as much as she would if the shoe had been in the other foot!

Your time, you decide.