To be annoyed with dh attitude to dsc extracurricular activities?

[miagerbies]

I've nc as I have a new email but I'm a regular, penis beaker, screaming at the sistine Chapel, snapped and farted etc..

I've been married for a year, together 5. Have a ds8 from a previous marriage, no dc together. Dh has 3 dc from his previous marriage - sd10, ss9 and ss6. We have them eow and Tuesdays.

Dh exw enrols their dc in what I believe is a lot of extracurricular activities, and a lot of them fall on dh time with them, mainly Saturdays. For example, sd goes to stage school 10 miles away for 3 hrs, ss1 has swimming lessons and ss6 has swimming lessons also. Ss's also go to Cubs and Beavers on Friday nights.

Dh and I don't drive, so a typical weekend is this:

Friday - I leave work at 2 and go to collect all 3 dsc. Take them home, get their dinner. Get ss1 dressed for beavers. Take ss2 to beavers which is a half hr walk away. Walk back. Get ss1 ready for cubs. Walk half hr back to scout hall. Drop ss1 and collect ss2. Walk back. All this time with ds in tow and dsd at home alone. Dh comes home from work, and leaves to collect dss1.

Saturday - dh leaves for the train station with dsd at 9am. Its a train and bus ride away so he gets back at 11.45am at which point I leave to get dsd. I get home with her around 2.30.

I then watch all the dc periodically through the rest of the afternoon while dh runs around doing swimming lessons with the boys.

I've just found out that dh ex w has just enrolled ss1 in a football class in Saturdays as well!! It's 10am so dh is expecting me to take ds and dss2 to stand around at the football ground every Saturday we have them for an hour in addition to everything else.

She never asks dh for his input on all these clubs, just springs them on us. He can never say no to her. He literally hardly sees his dc all together on the Saturday.

I've said I'm not doing it. I think I do enough. I have my ds 50/50 and I think it's affecting my quality time with him as I'm running around after my dsc all day.

I'm angry with dh for never saying no to his ex w and I'm annoyed he just assumed I'd do it. Am I being mean?

I should add that my OH has a court ordered contact order and the EW would stop contact as she deemed a children’s party or activity more important than seeing dad every other weekend.

The judge was very clear with her. Dad decides what he does on his time and a children’s party or activity is not more important than the child spending time with the dad.

I wouldnt do any of it tbh. Not when I have my own child who I want to spend time with instead of running around.

Surely there are a few issues here none of which are the SDCs or EWs fault. She obviously manages it so if I was her j would be eye rolling at all the drama, lack of route and time management and DH getting you to do everything. Your DH clearly needs to be factoring taxis into the family budget. I also find it interested that you say that your DS does his clubs on his contact time with his dad. Your Saturdays sound awful because your DH has happily placed you as surrogate mum and now it's your responsibility (not his) to sort the kids out and not upset EW. I bet he would find a solution if he was doing it all plus he would have extra time with his children and your DS wouldn't be dragged around. I fell into this trap as a first time SM but have learnt my lesson. These are not your children and you must step back

Just tell him you aren't doing it. Please, OP. you aren't his servant. If he wants the activities to continue then he needs to take them. If he can't then they don't do them. Full stop.

The ex is massively taking the piss.

The thing is that it sounds a lot, but only because there are three of them (four including your own DC) and you don't drive. Which isn't the DC's (or exW's) fault. It doesn't sound like too many clubs to me - stage school for the DSD and cubs, swimming and football for the boys is really normal IMO.

I'm not saying you have to facilitate this is if you don't want to, but it's not the exW being unreasonable IMO.

The only issue here is him not driving. Whether children should do x number of activités or not is another debate. Sadly, it is a bit of a class/culture thing, where some kids do a lot whilst others do nothing with parents ranging from thinking it's a waste of momey/time to those who think that these activités are an opportunity for children to show their worth and talent outside or school, socialise with other children than those at school and mean they are doing something useful rather thann being at home watching TV or on tablets.

It soem caes, it is the parents who are very much pushing these activities on children but more often, it is the children asking to do these a t'invites which mean a lot to them.

In this case, if the children are prepared to walk 1/2 or get on buses to go, it can be assumed that there are a t'invites they really want to do rather than imposed by their mum. Stopping them be s'use of the inconvenience could cause them quite some upset and even possibly not wanting to visit their dad anymore as the it preference could be the activities.

It is in no way OP's responsibility though ut that of her OH. If he can't do it himself because of the lack of transport, then he needs to look into this and budget accordingly.

If the exW enrols the DC in activities without consulting your DH, she has to take responsibility for the logistics (driving)!

OP, not sure if this has already been suggested (sorry haven't RTFT), but how about if you started having the DSC every Sat night / Sunday rather than EOW - so the same amount of time in total but arranged differently?

Then the exW could do all the driving as she doesn't mind and the SDC still get to do their activities.

My DH took the DSC to sports (gym, tennis) every single weekend for years, whether they were with us or with their mother.

I'm not sure why PP are suggesting that the boys could move to a Cubs/scouts group closer to the OP. She said it is half hour walk away - that is close. All the activities in our small town would be half hour walk away - school is 20mins. Where do people live that everything is so close - and has a costa coffee shop next door to hang around in!

With one child presumably moving to secondary school next year and the others not much younger, presumably they have a good social network.

Couldn't they team up with some other children who go to the same scouts/cubs/football/theatre school and get a lift with them?
Even if you were only able to arrange it once a month you will be far less inconvenienced. You could reciprocate with a playdate/outing in the school hols maybe?

It is quite normal for families to turn up at sports events/birthday parties with a car full of kids.

Once the oldest DC goes to secondary school (next year?) presumably he will be accustomed to walking to school by himself and will be perfectly capable of getting himself to his clubs in the summer months when it is still daylight.

Aside from anything else OP if the kids have to drop any clubs don’t let it be cubs/beavers. And here’s why. Once they get to a certain stage they go away for whole weekends! you may even get weekends where the two boys are away together for a county camp. (Is the girl interested in joining?) does your son go to the same cub group?

I agree you don’t need to be doing all of this, but I also think either you or your husband should learn to drive, would make your lives so much easier!

So your DH only does any parenting of his 3 kids 4 days and 4 evenings a month and still puts responsibility on you to pick up his slack?

Why exactly did you marry him?

His kids should not have to change their activities to facilitate his new life assuming that they really enjoy them and its not that the ex put them in them to annoy him.

I also think it’s a bit shit stirring disingenuous to ask why the Exw decided to arrange the clubs in this way. She doesn’t set the times of the clubs. These are the clubs her children wanted to do so she registered them. She doesn’t have any say over when the clubs happen. You can’t ask a scout troop to move their night to a Tuesday because the EOW dad doesn’t like having to do pick up on a Friday evening. (Well you could, but you’d be laughed out of the building)

dh leaves for the train station with dsd at 9am. Its a train and bus ride away so he gets back at 11.45am at which point I leave to get dsd. I get home with her around 2.30. Why doesn't he just hang around/do something fun with other DSC if available until she finishes?

If you work out how much you are paying in public transport it may well equate to being able to run a cheap car.

You won't like this OP, but from what you have written, you are putting your relationship with DH as a higher priority than your relationship with DS.

I would give him two weeks notice that you won't be facilitating all the running around any more, and leave him and XW to sort it out between them.

If the children want to do the activities then I don't really think it is fair to say they can't ever do them ion their weekends with you.

Your Husband's ex-wife cannot really choose which night beavers is on, for instance. And it's common for football games to be at the weekend, even if training is during the week. The stage school sounds like something your SD is fairly committed to and it would be unfair not to facilitate that. Entirely different if the children genuinely don't want to do these things and mum is rail roading them.

I would also say that I see no reason why their mother should only enrol the children in activities that will only ever involve her having to take/collect them. Their father should also do his share. I'm not saying you can never say "we can't make it this weekend" if you have another engagement, but a routine ban on taking them to activities is unfair on the children. It would be shame if they couldn't do pretty common activities such as beavers or swimming or being in a football team because their parents are divorced.

Obviously, your DH's ex-wife involved him in the decisions to make sure it was possible for new activities to be accommodated but the quid pro quo to that is that you don't just say no because it's not convenient. Your DSS won't be able to be in a team if he can't attend regularly, for instance.

I would be careful about the relationship if you do put your foot down and say they have to stop their hobbies, It is possible that if you don't allow them to take part in the activities they really love, they'll start to become resentful of the weekends they spend with their Dad and want to stay at home. Up to a certain point you can force it, but over a certain age you can't. There's a balance to be had here between not running yourselves ragged and saying no.

Is there anyway one of you could learn to drive? I know it's not possible for everyone- or impractical because even if you could afford the lessons and pass the test, you can't afford to buy and run a car. Just a thought that might make things easier in general.

Should not DH be taking some of the children to their activities? Cannot he change his work hours to do more? This should have been discussed with you before it was agreed, especially the new ones.

f I arrange activities for my dc, I only do it for my time with them. I wouldn’t arrange stuff for my ex’s days, and if I did there’s no way he would take them. That’s down to him to do what he wants on his days.

So, effectively, your DC can never do a team sport/activity or get really into something they love? My DD does a sport she has to practice on a very regular basis to progress, she completes and that involves quite a lot of commitment. But even something like a weekend football team requires some dedication and commitment. I think its quite sad that parents wouldn't facilitate something their child loves doing because "it's their time".

You have a few options that need to be discussed with EW.

Your DH just needs to be clear that he can’t be in two places at the same time and that football clashes with drama, added to the fact that he hasn’t agreed to this during his time. If EW still wants ds1 to attend football can she arrange to either collect him herself, get in laws to collect or dh parents? Are grandparents still on scene?

I would say a firm no if alternative pick up/drop off arrangements can’t be agreed with the new football activity. You shouldn’t be included in the arrangements, you have your Ds at home too!

@Jacks11 Our arrangement is slightly different to the OP in that ds goes to his df’s the same day every week. So no I wouldn’t arrange activities for his day. If ds wanted to do an activity I would find a club that ran on one of the 6 days / evenings that he’s with me. I just don’t feel I have the right to dictate how my ex spends his time (and vice versa) it genuinely seems odd to me.