Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with dh attitude to dsc extracurricular activities?

146 replies

miagerbies · 03/05/2019 19:27

I've nc as I have a new email but I'm a regular, penis beaker, screaming at the sistine Chapel, snapped and farted etc..

I've been married for a year, together 5. Have a ds8 from a previous marriage, no dc together. Dh has 3 dc from his previous marriage - sd10, ss9 and ss6. We have them eow and Tuesdays.

Dh exw enrols their dc in what I believe is a lot of extracurricular activities, and a lot of them fall on dh time with them, mainly Saturdays. For example, sd goes to stage school 10 miles away for 3 hrs, ss1 has swimming lessons and ss6 has swimming lessons also. Ss's also go to Cubs and Beavers on Friday nights.

Dh and I don't drive, so a typical weekend is this:

Friday - I leave work at 2 and go to collect all 3 dsc. Take them home, get their dinner. Get ss1 dressed for beavers. Take ss2 to beavers which is a half hr walk away. Walk back. Get ss1 ready for cubs. Walk half hr back to scout hall. Drop ss1 and collect ss2. Walk back. All this time with ds in tow and dsd at home alone. Dh comes home from work, and leaves to collect dss1.

Saturday - dh leaves for the train station with dsd at 9am. Its a train and bus ride away so he gets back at 11.45am at which point I leave to get dsd. I get home with her around 2.30.

I then watch all the dc periodically through the rest of the afternoon while dh runs around doing swimming lessons with the boys.

I've just found out that dh ex w has just enrolled ss1 in a football class in Saturdays as well!! It's 10am so dh is expecting me to take ds and dss2 to stand around at the football ground every Saturday we have them for an hour in addition to everything else.

She never asks dh for his input on all these clubs, just springs them on us. He can never say no to her. He literally hardly sees his dc all together on the Saturday.

I've said I'm not doing it. I think I do enough. I have my ds 50/50 and I think it's affecting my quality time with him as I'm running around after my dsc all day.

I'm angry with dh for never saying no to his ex w and I'm annoyed he just assumed I'd do it. Am I being mean?

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 03/05/2019 20:28

Certainly from my viewpoint I don’t thunk those kids should be kissing out on their clubs, but the OP yes is a mug for facilitating her stepchildren more than their own father does, and missing out on things with her son in the process. Her DH should be getting a license and a car and keeping up with the activities of the kids he chose to have. One of them has SEN too. So the mum as the resident parent manages it all, but their dad struggles with EOW. Such bullshit from these types of dad!

givemesteel · 03/05/2019 20:30

I think if you can afford all those clubs (assume your dh contributes), which must cost a fortune you can afford to run a cheap car.

The number of clubs is a lot and you might have to maybe alternate which you manage on your weeks BUT I think it is poor that neither of you can drive and really one of you at least should step up and learn for all your dcs sakes. If I was the ex wife I'd be pretty annoyed if my ex said to me he wasn't young to do the clubs because of the difficulty getting there when he couldn't drive.

The solution here is to learn to drive and get a cheap car.

Summersunsareglowing · 03/05/2019 20:39

Are there any swimming, beavers and cubs groups nearer to where you live? If so can't the children go to the one near exW's on her weekend and one near to you on your DH's weekend? That way they could make double the friends too.

TheBigFatMermaid · 03/05/2019 20:39

fair play to you OP. I don’t have step kids, but I really would resent living like that every other weekend. I think the Ex wife and your DH are royally taking the piss.

My DD does loads of activities. And I do mean loads! If DP and I split up, I would be furious if he got together with someone who put a stop to that. So would she.

OK, so these were younger when they split, but it does not mean they should not have the same opportunities to do things that children who have parents who are together get.

I notice Cherrysherbet you don't say if your DC wanted to do things, you would stop them!

ThomasRichard · 03/05/2019 20:43

I think your DH and his ex are massively taking the mick. I have 2 DC and they go to Beavers/Cubs, swimming, football and athletics. But during the week! I organise it, I take them. Yes, they miss out on a football match every other week cos they’re on a Saturday morning but it’s not the end of the world.

Either your DH learns to drive so he can do all the ferrying or you cost it up and decide that an Uber-fest every other week is cheaper, or he and his ex re-arrange the activities so that he and she can do the running around between them, or they don’t go. And no more activities on your DH’s time! He does actually need to spend time with his children at some point.

RomanyQueen1 · 03/05/2019 20:44

No way, they aren't your kids, you have your own to take care of. How many times does he take your ds anywhere.
One or both of you need to learn to drive, I don't but am fortunate to have lived where it's no problem.
The problem isn't you not driving though, it's his for being a shit parent and getting you to do it.
Their parents need to sort it, stop doing it, you have mug written all over you. Thanks

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 20:48

It’s not an excessive amount of clubs. The issue is that there are 4 children (4 children is going to make for a busy weekend in any family!) being ferried and no cars to do it. If you can streamline the clubs so they’re doing them at the same or adjacent times and also someone needs to drive. Or at least taxi it.

Mel338a · 03/05/2019 20:49

Could you do some of the runs on bikes? That would be cheaper than a car and cut down on travel time

Cranky17 · 03/05/2019 21:00

he needs to tell his ex to stop organising things for his time with his kids

I have this but completely the other way round. My ex won’t take the children to clubs on his weekend.

Clubs thatsvtheyvwere doing when we were tougher, but more importantly clubs they want to do, or parties they want to go too.

It’s not his time with the children it’s his time to parent

Cranky17 · 03/05/2019 21:03

BTW my ds still played football, but fortnightly as supported by his coach. No need to lose out, just speak to the leader /coach and explain.

This is great but uncommon, both my children have been told they will lose their place if they don’t attend.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2019 21:30

This isn't a huge number of extra curricular. It's fairly standard.
The problem is there's 4 children and no car.
I would cycle rather than walk.
I think a fair few decisions/choices have been made, by your dh (to have 3 children, to not learn to drive, to live a good walk away from activities, to split up from the mother of his children) which have impacted his children. If they enjoy the activities, and they are all good for them, it's up to your dh to facilitate this.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 03/05/2019 21:35

you need to change the access arrangements to EOW or sundays plus a weeknight maybe so that participation is shared between the parents.

TheBigFatMermaid · 03/05/2019 21:38

you need to change the access arrangements to EOW or sundays plus a weeknight maybe so that participation is shared between the parents.

The arrangement the OP is moaning about IS every other weekend! She states 'eow'.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 03/05/2019 21:43

sorry I misread the OP where she said it took up most of their time with the children
you still need to think about different arrangements. It's not feasible for your family life to be taken up with both of you taking public transport all weekend.
learning to drive would certainly help but a different pattern, so that children were staying within reasonable distance of their planned activities seems reasonable. Pick them up from activities on Saturdays instead and keep them Sunday night/Monday night for eg?

PinkCrayon · 03/05/2019 21:47

I think your dh needs to tell her that she can arrange them extra curricular activities after school. No need to have it taking over your weekends.

CarolDanvers · 03/05/2019 21:47

That is not an excessive amount of activities. It’s just there’s three children doing what? two each? So it feels like a lot. Your life choices not to drive or run a car are what makes the situation problematic not the activities themselves.

LittleDoritt · 03/05/2019 21:50

I think it's sad that you are unhappy but going to cave just because your DH is having a moody.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2019 21:51

It does depend whether
A) the mother works during the school day and thus can't do any extra curricular during the week, or
B) it's perfectly possible to organise these activities during the week, but the mother chooses not to on purpose

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 21:52

I think your dh needs to tell her that she can arrange them extra curricular activities after school.

Why? Is it not part of dad’s job to ferry DC to extra curriculars? The mum already does more parenting than him, why should she also do more of the extra curricular transporting just because he doesn’t want the faff of taking them? They’re his children too!

PinkCrayon · 03/05/2019 21:56

" Why? "
Because thats what I think. He already does enough extra curricular activities she can arrange them in her own time with dc.
My kids do all their extra curricular during the week so we can do as we like at the weekends it frees up more time to do as we like.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2019 21:58

@PinkCrayon
Some folk can't do extra curricular in the week because of work.
Of course it's lovely if you can get them done in the week.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 21:58

So you’re advising the extra curriculars change to midweek and that the dad ferries them to them during the week. I suppose that’s fair enough then.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 03/05/2019 22:00

because, @ILoveMaxi OP and her son are impacted by it? and it's not practical.

OP's DH's ex needs to consult to make sure things are doable or they need a different access schedule. They are doing a nearly 3 hour round trip each on a saturday and now expected to fit in a football session with 2 smaller kids dragged along too.

Why not suggest you pick DSS1&2 up from football and DSD from drama on Saturday and they stay through till Monday rather than Sunday for eg?

PinkCrayon · 03/05/2019 22:02

Why are u making up pure lies Ilovemaxibondi
READ my response again

"he does enough extra curricular activities she can arrange them in her own time with dc."
Where does that say I am advising the extra curicular change to midweek? Oh yes NO WHERE! Confused

namechangelife · 03/05/2019 22:04

4 kids & no car with all those clubs 😥

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.