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Original poster

To be annoyed with dh attitude to dsc extracurricular activities?

146 replies

miagerbies · 03/05/2019 19:27

I've nc as I have a new email but I'm a regular, penis beaker, screaming at the sistine Chapel, snapped and farted etc..

I've been married for a year, together 5. Have a ds8 from a previous marriage, no dc together. Dh has 3 dc from his previous marriage - sd10, ss9 and ss6. We have them eow and Tuesdays.

Dh exw enrols their dc in what I believe is a lot of extracurricular activities, and a lot of them fall on dh time with them, mainly Saturdays. For example, sd goes to stage school 10 miles away for 3 hrs, ss1 has swimming lessons and ss6 has swimming lessons also. Ss's also go to Cubs and Beavers on Friday nights.

Dh and I don't drive, so a typical weekend is this:

Friday - I leave work at 2 and go to collect all 3 dsc. Take them home, get their dinner. Get ss1 dressed for beavers. Take ss2 to beavers which is a half hr walk away. Walk back. Get ss1 ready for cubs. Walk half hr back to scout hall. Drop ss1 and collect ss2. Walk back. All this time with ds in tow and dsd at home alone. Dh comes home from work, and leaves to collect dss1.

Saturday - dh leaves for the train station with dsd at 9am. Its a train and bus ride away so he gets back at 11.45am at which point I leave to get dsd. I get home with her around 2.30.

I then watch all the dc periodically through the rest of the afternoon while dh runs around doing swimming lessons with the boys.

I've just found out that dh ex w has just enrolled ss1 in a football class in Saturdays as well!! It's 10am so dh is expecting me to take ds and dss2 to stand around at the football ground every Saturday we have them for an hour in addition to everything else.

She never asks dh for his input on all these clubs, just springs them on us. He can never say no to her. He literally hardly sees his dc all together on the Saturday.

I've said I'm not doing it. I think I do enough. I have my ds 50/50 and I think it's affecting my quality time with him as I'm running around after my dsc all day.

I'm angry with dh for never saying no to his ex w and I'm annoyed he just assumed I'd do it. Am I being mean?

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 22:05

Pink crayon. You are saying the extra curriculars should be midweek!!

“I think your dh needs to tell her that she can arrange them extra curricular activities after school.”

School only happens in the week, not weekends. So yes, if you’re saying the extra curriculars should happen after school you are saying they should be midweek. Hmm

PinkCrayon · 03/05/2019 22:07

Yep you cant read Blush

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 22:07

OP and her son are impacted by it? and it's not practical.

That’s her DHs fault though- not the fault of the DCs or the activities. He hasn’t arranged his life to accommodate his children without relying on his wife to do a lot of it for him. That’s on him.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 22:08

So explain what exactly you meant by after school then if you didn’t mean midweek? When does school happen where you live?

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2019 22:11

Eh pink crayon?? I'm not in your argument, but arranging activities mid week is literally exactly what you said!!

RandomMess · 03/05/2019 22:12

I would ask to change contact to every Saturday teatime to Monday morning explaining you can't get them to the clubs and you don't want them to miss out...

It is certainly worth your DH fingering back against the current status quo as it isn't working for him, you or the DC.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 03/05/2019 22:14

I agree to an extent @Ilove, the OP shoudn't have to compromise to this massive extent on her time, or her limited time with her own child.

OPs OH and ex should agree activities together. It is inconsiderate of the ex to unilaterally decide what they are doing.

DecomposingComposers · 03/05/2019 22:15

He hasn’t arranged his life to accommodate his children without relying on his wife to do a lot of it for him. That’s on him.

But he left his ex wife 5 years ago. So these clubs have been arranged, by his ex wife, since they split. How is that the dh fault?

Surely at least part of the issue is all the toing and froing. And how does the ex wife manage? Even driving how does she get daughter to drama and back whilst taking sons to swimming and football? Can you not take dd to drama and stay there and then let dh run around to swimming and football? Would that be easier on you OP?

When ours were little they would often do classes after each other but we all went together and stayed until they had both finished. I didn't go with one, come home and then go back again.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 22:15

I think your dh needs to tell her that she can arrange them extra curricular activities after school. No need to have it taking over your weekends.

This was your full comment. You said the activities shouldn’t be taking over OPs weekends. (Which I agree with btw- OPs weekends should be for her and her son to get to his own activities) so if not on weekends, and not midweek, then......?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/05/2019 22:15

No point acknowledging you’re a mug and your DH behaviour is having an adverse affect on you and your son then saying you’ll keep doing it. Don’t. Tell him you’ll be making the most of your time with your son, you’re not facilitating activities and if he wants to/can cope with all the logistics that’s great, and if not he can discuss it with his ex. Ask him how he’d cope if you weren’t around!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 22:17

So these clubs have been arranged, by his ex wife, since they split. How is that the dh fault?

Well most of us expect our children to grow, try out different hobbies and rely on us to get them there. If he didn’t expect that to happen and plan for how he would manage it with 3 children then yes, he dropped the ball.

PinkCrayon · 03/05/2019 22:19

MAXI
I responded to you
"Why?
Because thats what I think. He already does enough extra curricular activities she can arrange them in her own time with dc.
My kids do all their extra curricular during the week so we can do as we like at the weekends it frees up more time to do as we like."

Then you said

Today 21:58 ILoveMaxiBondi

"So you’re advising the extra curriculars change to midweek and that the dad ferries them to them during the week. I suppose that’s fair enough then."

Your response made no sense. I didnt advise for all extra curriculars to be changed to midweek I said THAT HE DOES ENOUGH anymore she decides to do can be done midweek.
Hope thats clear enough for you, because I simply cannot be arsed to respond again Grin

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 03/05/2019 22:20

We have 4 kids and it seems a pretty normal weekend. We have one car and its a struggle so one of us is often walking or getting the bus. We're both often hanging around a muddy field and usually have minimum 1-2 children with us.

Swimming lessons, football, drama are a pretty standard part of growing up for most kids. I don't think you should see this as something the ex-w is doing to you. Its just life with kids. You need to speak to your DH about ensuring you're doing more than him, but your married and have taken on 3 kids (which is a lot but not entirely unavoidable).

DecomposingComposers · 03/05/2019 22:20

ILoveMaxiBondi

Yes I understand that children grow up and have hobbies. Doesn't mean that those hobbies occur at the same time, in different places and involve hours of travelling though does it?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 22:20

OPs OH and ex should agree activities together. It is inconsiderate of the ex to unilaterally decide what they are doing.

Agree and I would (in his shoes) say no to the football now before it starts. The other activities are already established though.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 22:21

Doesn't mean that those hobbies occur at the same time, in different places and involve hours of travelling though does it?

It’s only hours of travelling because he doesn’t drive. Her dance class is 10 miles away. That would be 15-20 minutes by car depending on traffic.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 22:23

You weren’t at all clear pink. I see now that you meant any new activities should be arranged for after school. Your original post was not clear.

DecomposingComposers · 03/05/2019 22:25

But not everyone can afford to learn and run and insure a car. And depending on where you live, pay for a residential parking permit too.

10 miles seems a long way to travel for a club too. Not unreasonable to think that clubs would be closer to home.

I think the issue is that the children have just been booked into clubs unilaterally without proper thought into how that is managed.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 03/05/2019 22:29

See I’m quite surprised by some of the responses here. If I arrange activities for my dc, I only do it for my time with them. I wouldn’t arrange stuff for my ex’s days, and if I did there’s no way he would take them. That’s down to him to do what he wants on his days. The only exception would be for a one off event such as a party.

DontVisitMe · 03/05/2019 22:29

Those poor children. When do they get down time, instead of being dragged from pillar to post?

I wouldn't do it and I drive. Weekends are for rest or leisure after a hard week at work/school.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/05/2019 22:32

True, driving can be expensive. He could take a taxi to the dance class, take his sons with him and do something with them in that town/location while DD is dancing and then taxi back. It would be an every other week expense and he is already paying out 2x train ticket for him, 2x train for OP and 2x train for DD to get to the dance class which is taking up hours for both him and OP. If he taxied there would only be the one fee for return journey for all four of them and OP would be entirely uninvolved in the whole thing so was free to take her DS swimming.

SushiGo · 03/05/2019 22:33

I think you are being unfair - it seems like you are fine with your son having two clubs, but dsc having 2 or 3 each is too many?

This is just the reality of having 4 children and one of you will have to learn to drive.

Whereisthegin1978 · 03/05/2019 22:33

This actually isn’t much on the face of it ... no car is the main problem. we do similar on a Saturday & I guess the difference is we’ve chosen to. I probably wouldn’t be impressed if activities were sprung on me by dh ex.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2019 22:36

@DontVisitMe
It's off the point but don't be silly re the 'poor children.' All we know is that they have a weekly swimming lesson plus scouts. Still 6 hours every school day, the entire rest of the weekend, and the 15 weeks holiday from school they have per year for downtime.

DecomposingComposers · 03/05/2019 22:40

He could take a taxi to the dance class, take his sons with him and do something with them in that town/location while DD is dancing and then taxi back

Yes, exactly. Which is what I wrote. But he hasn't booked these clubs has he? That is his ex wife. That's the problem - activities spread far and wide and at the same time.

1 person, with the best will in the world, can't accommodate that so I don't see why people are having a go at the husband for not stepping up. Either the children don't go or the OP helps out. It's not like the dh is down the pub or laying in bed whilst OP runs around like a blue arsed fly is it?

I wonder why the ex wife has booked these clubs in this way?

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