nor can this situation cause PND - that's being very disrespectful to women who genuinely DO have PND
I disagree. Feeling ganged up on, unsupported, and like there’s a chance you’ll be separated from your baby against your wishes can cause all sorts of problems.
When I had my first, my SIL had zero interest in the baby, never wanted to hold him, never asked after him or seemed keen to create any kind of bond or show any love. She was, however, obsessed with having him overnight. It used to make me physically tense up and I’d get stressed and anxious each time she mentioned it. I’d always politely say he’s too little etc etc and try to leave it.
My DH took DS to see MIL and SIL by himself for about an hour, and my DH called to ask (with SIL in the background) “oh, SIL says please can she have him overnight tonight”. She was in the background saying something like “yes stop being silly and let him stay with auntie”. He would have been about 6-7 weeks old and EBF and with one tiny bottle of expressed milk available. I think he asked me on the phone in front of her to just prove that I wouldn’t agree to it and it wasn’t just him saying no. Anyway. I burst into tears and started hyperventilating. I actually thought he would leave the baby there and was on the verge of a full blown panic attack. He started to say something like ‘calm down I’m leaving here now’, and I had taken that to mean he was leaving without the baby and started screaming. Honestly I don’t think I’ve ever lost my shit like that, before or since. I don’t get like that about anything, but the idea of some non-loving person being in sole charge of my baby without me even being prepared for it topped me right over the edge. They’re so persuasive, manipulative and pushy and in that moment I didn’t trust him to listen to me over them. He did listen to me, and reassured me that there’s no way he thought it was a good idea and would never have ignored my wishes, but I’ll never forget that feeling of sheer terror. Almost entirely unjustified in the sense that my DH is very responsible and supportive, and wouldn’t have left the baby there, I logically should have known that.
But what if my my DH had joined in on the pressure? What if my SIL kept coming to us begging (she didn’t, only when we went there), or if everyone else told me I was being weird about my baby and what’s the big deal, why can’t I just lighten up. If my DH kept saying that SIL realllyyyy wanted him overnight and couldn’t I just keep the peace. Why don’t I care about his family or whatever. If I myself felt vulnerable and isolated. I don’t see how people think it’s not psychologically damaging to be pressurised and unsupported in your choices as a new mother. It can ruin your whole experience and damage your confidence in the choices you make. I feel lucky that we had our testing moments as new parents, tests on how to stand out ground and do what we thought was best. Giving into pressure from self centred narc-type parents is a recipe for distaster. Your DH maybe is lost in the F.O.G.