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Original poster

MIL demanding to have 3 month old overnight

484 replies

ClareSleepy · 03/05/2019 15:59

Please help me reason with DH my MIL has set up her home like a nursery and has been pressuring to have DD at her place overnight practically since she was born. DH is manipulated by her and always tells me he feels so sorry for her. I've told MIL she can visit us and see her granddaughter whenever she likes but she whinges to DH and plays the victim that she can't have DD overnight at her place. I'm made out to be the villain for saying no and DH and I have just argued again about it it's getting me so down. What can I say to make them both back off?

OP posts:
cockadoodledooooo · 03/05/2019 18:46

Get them both together, explain that their constant badgering is getting you down and you will tell them when you are ready for dd to stay overnight. Explain it will happen but she could be 6 months, or five years old you don't know, you'll just know when you're ready and that's not yet.

Everydayimhuffling · 03/05/2019 18:52

Say, "no, and I am no longer discussing this. I will tell you when I am ready." If either of them bring it up again, remind them, pick up the baby and walk out of the room. Repeat until they understand.

PinkPupZ · 03/05/2019 18:55

I went through this and it will be hell until DH stands up for your wishes. I've been there and give an inch they want more. Just decline until you want to. You may never want to.

Whoops75 · 03/05/2019 18:58

Show this thread to dh

user1497997754 · 03/05/2019 19:00

Tell her No....if she does not listen then FUCK OFF should do it

Original poster
ClareSleepy · 03/05/2019 19:02

I haven't read all of the responses yet but thank you for replying. I've told DH to back off and next time MIL asks I'm not going to be so polite - I'm going to tell her to stop asking as it isn't happening. I feel anxious just thinking about the situation and it makes me hate MIL - that sounds extreme but it really does.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 03/05/2019 19:03

Your mil and dh are bullying you. Tell dh this and tell him and her a very emphatic no, saying that you have already said no and you can’t understand why she is co to using to harass you. Use the words bully and harass freely. They’re being idiots.

peterpanwendy · 03/05/2019 19:04

OP my MIL is similar. You need to stand your ground. And tell your DH to give his head a shake. Your baby, your rules. You grew her and pushed her out so your decision trumps what MIL wants!

Nanny0gg · 03/05/2019 19:04

For those of you saying that the OPs DH is out of order, why is he? It's his baby too. Surely he has a say in this? Or is he just a sperm donor? Maybe he thinks that having a sleepover is a good thing.

Well as he didn't give birth and imo doesn't have the same biological connection, however much he may love her, he doesn't get to make that decision.

NOONE has a right to take a baby away from its mother, unless abuse or medical reasons.

Nanny0gg · 03/05/2019 19:10

Obviously this is a very emotive issue; new mum seeing things differently to new dad, MIL coming across as overbearing, but this isn't a reason for splitting up, nor can this situation cause PND - that's being very disrespectful to women who genuinely DO have PND (and ironically would need as much help from extended family as possible until they recovered).

It is a reason for splitting up if he continues to ignore his wife in favour of his mother.
PND is complex and often composed of many factors. Fear of separation from your baby? Husband not supporting you?

The disrespect is the MiL's attitude to the OP - baby oven?? The OP didn't give birth for MiL to have a dolly to play with.

champagnebrain · 03/05/2019 19:12

It doesn't sound extreme to me. My MIL was also obsessed and my relationship with her never improved but I don't care. She was wrong and jealous.
No means no.

lazymare · 03/05/2019 19:12

nor can this situation cause PND - that's being very disrespectful to women who genuinely DO have PND

Bollocks. I still feel stressed about things like this from when my babies were small and they are teens now.

Preggosaurus9 · 03/05/2019 19:16

Anything can cause PND - life is not ranked against a checklist of acceptably traumatic situations Hmm

OP your MIL sounds batshit and your DH needs to wake up and realise YOU are his wife and his primary focus, not his bloody mother! She has had her turn being a mum to a baby, now it's your turn. End of story.

loulou0987 · 03/05/2019 19:17

Just tell her thank you for the offer and you will let her know when you’re ready (you never have to be ready!)

Yallnotreadyforthis · 03/05/2019 19:20

Tell your MIL to Google fourth trimester, OP.

BambooB · 03/05/2019 19:21

Tell them to back the fuck off. She's 3 months old.

user1497997754 · 03/05/2019 19:25

What is it with grand mother's these days they are so entitled....I am one and wouldn't dream of behaving the way your MIL is.....my daughter would soon put me in my place if I tried it on..and she would be in her rights to do so.....

Notonthestairs · 03/05/2019 19:27

Offering to have a baby or child overnight is kind.

Demanding to have a baby or child overnight is overbearing.

Talk to your health visitor. I think you need a bit of real life back up.

KatharinaRosalie · 03/05/2019 19:31

Ask your DH why he thinks his mother's wishes are more important than your and your baby's needs. He does not seem to be 'feeling sorry' for you, if you would be forced to be away from your tiny baby when you really don't want to.

BertrandRussell · 03/05/2019 19:35

I’m not sure it is “grandmothers nowadays”- although the demanding and whinging is outrageous. I do think the “my little family”. thing is quite new, though- I think there was much more swapping between houses and so on in “the olden days”. Bigger families, maybe? Smaller houses and, certainly in working class families, longer working hours.

But all that’s beside the point. Just say no. Don’t enter into any discussion. Just “No, I don’t want her to sleep away from me at the moment”

pigsDOfly · 03/05/2019 19:39

Very few women who have given birth three months ago would be willing to hand over their tiny baby to another woman to take away for hours at a time, completely unreasonable to even suggest it - yes, I know there will be exceptions before I'm told otherwise.

Your wishes in this are paramount OP. Your MIL and your DH have no right to pressure you like this.Your DH needs to realise that you and your needs are his priority, his mother has to take a back seat.

Keep on sticking to your guns. Apart from anything else, if you give in on this you'll be walked over for the rest of your marriage by MIL. Your DH needs a wake up call.

I don't know if this is relevant or would even be possible but if you're finding it really tough to deal with them both, do you have a health visitor or a practice nurse at your GP's surgery that could have a chat with him to make him understand how detrimental to your well being it is to be pressured like this to hand your new baby over to his mother.

Alsohuman · 03/05/2019 19:42

I think you're right @Bertrand, when mine was little kids went off to gran's place overnight all the time. Not because grandma demanded it - which is completely out of order - but because a few free child free hours were bliss.

desparate4sleep · 03/05/2019 20:02

I am going through the same thing. My baby is 8 months and it does not get easier. Please be firm and tell her it will not be happening until your child is of school age. If you keep saying you aren't ready yet she will keep pestering. It is a constant source of anxiety..Hope your DP starts to understand.

BertrandRussell · 03/05/2019 20:05

“Please be firm and tell her it will not be happening until your child is of school age. ”

But why school age? :3 months is obviously ridiculous- but mine spent happy nights with both their grandmas from about 2,5/3.

RabbityMcRabbit · 03/05/2019 20:07

this is the woman who put ds down for a nap on a high bed with nothing to stop him rolling off; who tried to give him cow's milk at 6 weeks ('to give me a break ...') and who I found trying to push a chocolate biscuit into his mouth at the same age...

Fucking hell tinstar, did you go nuclear?!

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