MIL demanding to have 3 month old overnight

[ClareSleepy]

Please help me reason with DH my MIL has set up her home like a nursery and has been pressuring to have DD at her place overnight practically since she was born. DH is manipulated by her and always tells me he feels so sorry for her. I've told MIL she can visit us and see her granddaughter whenever she likes but she whinges to DH and plays the victim that she can't have DD overnight at her place. I'm made out to be the villain for saying no and DH and I have just argued again about it it's getting me so down. What can I say to make them both back off?

I would have the mother of all rows with DP if he sided with his mother on something like this.

Our DC is same age as yours and my MIL would never dream of being so batshit (thankfully). Rather sweetly she’s said she’d have our DC, when they’re on school holiday and we’re working. I wouldn’t ask or expect that either and it’s a lovely thought of hers altho wont be needed for years yet.

And personally I’ve not left my dc overnight with anyone, mine range from mid teens to baby.
Some parents don’t want/need to.

I’d utterly be less available for MIL when she visits if she keeps nagging about having your baby.

I am a MIL and grandmother. We watch our baby GCs during the day but have no interest in having them overnight until they are older and pretty much guaranteed to sleep through the night - and their parents are comfortable with it.

We will do it to let their parents sleep in the next morning and also to give the GCs an enjoyable stay when they are old enough to understand what is happening. It won't be because we feel we have a right to have them overnight.

What exciting things does your MIL think she is going to be doing with a three month old during the night? Soothing, feeding and changing an upset baby isn't fun when your sleep has been disturbed, it's dark and the heating has probably gone off.

I cannot understand why MIL
Is behaving in this immature fashion.

A 3mth old baby could be very unsettled during the night for various reasons.

Mil should be enjoying the memories she is making when she sees the baby.

As for DH he needs telling to pipe the fuck down,he needs to grow a pair of balls and tell mil to do the same when she is harping on.

I would be furious is DH pressured me into this. Baby needs to be with you and dad at this early stage. My littles began staying at grandparents around 2 years old once they expressed an interest. It was on DC terms and I knew they would be comfortable with this. I was always available to go and collect if they wanted me to but I left this up to the decision of DC. They can't make this decision yet, you are the mother, stand your ground. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated into this if you are not comfortable.

Tell her no now!! I took months of mil asking to have dd, or telling me she would take dd, it really affected me and I've always worried they'll take her off me!! Please put your foot down now!!
And congratulations xxx

I think it's creepy, weird and coercive for a grandparent to behave in this way. A baby isn't a dolly ffs. Tell the woman to get herself off for post menopause fertility treatment if she still wants a baby to play with.

Millions of years of the evolution of maternal instincts can't just be ignored, as it causes most women a great deal of stress to be separated from their young babies. It does in the animal kingdom and it works the same with us as we are just animals.

Tell your dh to stop her pestering you otherwise you'll need to evaluate your marriage to him.

I don't understand this at all.
I'm looking forward to my gd spending time with us, and we babysit occasionally. She is only 7 mths though and I wouldn't dream of asking for overnight. I can't wait until she is older and we can do things together, but until then I'm happy to visit and cuddle, she isn't my child.
I just don't get it tbh, she must just be thinking of herself and what she wants, how selfish.

Get him to read the thread. 7 pages, and no one agrees with him.

Does she want her own child back to practice on?. It’s sounding like he’s not fully done yet.

Brilliant. Perhaps suggest this to your DH as well if he doesn't start backing you immediately.

Erm nope!! Not a chance at : months, slim to none under a year. In fact my ds is 4 and never stayed over anywhere 🤷‍♀️

No, whatever you do DON'T float the line that it can happen when DD is older. They get 'older' unbelievably quickly, and if MiL is already trampling over your boundaries to this extent then you may still be uncomfortable allowing her to stay over once the babyhood phase is past. My DC is 4, and still hasn't stayed over and this still won't be happened for the foreseeable future, if at all.

I'd be seeing this desire to ride roughshod over your decisions as a parent a major red flag. And it will be even more difficult to resist this behaviour with a DH who doesn't have your back. It may possibly be time for he and you to have a little come to Jesus chat.

Unfortunately I've had to learn this lessons the hard way. If you cave in now - or even put her off until a later stage - your life will become immeasurably more difficult. However hard it is, I'd recommend you simply say no, emphatically, and mean it.

New MIL here with a different perspective. First of all, let me make clear that I do not think I have any rights with my grandchild. She is not my baby. However, when she was born I felt as much live for her as I did for my own children when they were born. I didn't expect that!
So, before she was born I had bought a travel cot and other bits in case I was asked to have her overnight. I made it clear that I couldn't wait for her to have a sleepover, and her first was when she was 6 weeks old. She has stayed several times since then and I love having her.
At no point did I think that I was demanding to have her but can see that her mum could have interpreted it in that way.

For those of you saying that the OPs DH is out of order, why is he? It's his baby too. Surely he has a say in this? Or is he just a sperm donor? Maybe he thinks that having a sleepover is a good thing.
Regarding DH not getting 50/50 care with a baby, that's utter rubbish. Again, unless a baby isn't being fully breast fed there is absolutely no reason why it should not be with its father equally with its mother.
Obviously this is a very emotive issue; new mum seeing things differently to new dad, MIL coming across as overbearing, but this isn't a reason for splitting up, nor can this situation cause PND - that's being very disrespectful to women who genuinely DO have PND (and ironically would need as much help from extended family as possible until they recovered).

Very firm word with dh about his priorities, he's a father now and it's time to grow up and stop focusing on what mummy wants and think about what his child's best interests are.

With MiL look her straight in the eye and tell her you've been over and over this, she knows what the answer is and how you feel, so what is the nagging you and shoving your boundaries about? And how much does she think she's going to see of her GC when she's damaged her relationship with you?

And then after that, whenever it's raised, try a loud, cheerful reply of one of the brilliant lines on this thread: so far I've noticed

When hell freezes over!
When he can put petrol in his own car!
(When pigs fly backwards!)
(When Jeremy Corbyn votes conservative!)
etc etc etc

There is no point in responding politely or sensibly to what is simple bullying and harassment.

You poor thing.

Get firm. As previous poster says- a simple no is suffice. Firmly.

I was very touchy about anyone wanting to take DD when she was a few weeks old "to give me a break". I refused. Easier now though she's a few months older for a couple of hours as I do recognise she needs to spend time with family.

It's on our terms though and when I was ready for that to happen. That's up to YOU to decide and not MIL. She's your lovely baby!

Hope this thread gives you some strength to get tough 😊

As a dgm, there's nothing I want less than to have dgd sleeping over until she's sleeping through the night. She's 3 atm!!!

Is this weird demanding thing from MIL of baby sleepovers only on MN ? I have never heard of it in real life. It's a weird MN thing. MILs are evil witches who want to kidnap and eat babies.

Do not allow it. It’s a ridiculous demand.

I can’t understand this. Best case scenario is that the baby has a neutral experience. They can’t actually enjoy 1 to 1 time with family, and I have zero desire to spend time with a baby who would rather be with it’s mother unless I’m doing her a favour.

soontobe60 that's not how things work. A son is the dad, but it's the mother who has carried the baby for nine months and then forms the closest bond with it when it's born. This bond is a biological one, not merely a social one.

Just say it is very kind of her to offer but that you are not ready. And that she will be the first to know once you are.

@soontobe60

From the NHS website causes of PND include 'a poor relationship with your partner'. Feeling like he's not supporting you and instead pressuring you to do something you don't want to is a poor relationship.

And yes, he gets a say. But when the baby (who's only 3 months) is that young there is absolutely no need for a be away from its parents. So overnights should only happen I both parents are happy for them to.

And obviously it's fine for grandparents to be excited, but they shouldn't be trying to force overnight stays and pressuring the babies mother to do something she isn't happy with.

I your DIL had made it clear to you (numerous times) that she didn't want her baby away overnight, would you have kept pressuring her?

nor can this situation cause PND - that's being very disrespectful to women who genuinely DO have PND (and ironically would need as much help from extended family as possible until they recovered).

Although one incident like this wouldn’t cause someone to develop PND, unreasonable behaviour from family members can definitely contribute to a woman developing PND.

Also, a grandparent pressuring new parents to leave their baby with them overnight, against the wishes of the mum, is not the type of help from family that someone who has PND needs.

A simple No.... nip it in the bud now. Be strong. Don't be like me.. took all the crap and manipulation till one day I told her to get the fuck out of my house. It took about 6 years for my husband to see it, very frustrating

I rember my in laws trying to separate me from my babies. No way would I give in and because of the hassle we rarely visited. I would never make my DIL feel like that. If they want me to babysit I do but I never ask for alone time.

soontobe60
You are 110% wrong in pnd and very ill informed.
Any stress or emotional turmoil just after a lady has given birth are key factors for the development of pnd. That is why health visitors and midwives focus so intently on the pregnant lady building up a good healthy support system around them.