MIL demanding to have 3 month old overnight

[ClareSleepy]

Please help me reason with DH my MIL has set up her home like a nursery and has been pressuring to have DD at her place overnight practically since she was born. DH is manipulated by her and always tells me he feels so sorry for her. I've told MIL she can visit us and see her granddaughter whenever she likes but she whinges to DH and plays the victim that she can't have DD overnight at her place. I'm made out to be the villain for saying no and DH and I have just argued again about it it's getting me so down. What can I say to make them both back off?

Not sure why some people don't understand that just because they're happy to offload their offspring on relatives, it doesn't mean everyone else feels so inclined.

Does she stay at your mums?
Why won’t you allow it? I’m not saying you should - that’s up to you and DH but out of interest why not? I presume you’re not BF or there would be no argument but if she has set up home like a nursery she obviously lives her grandchild and just wants some alone time with her.
Perhaps you could go out and leave her babysitting? That might suffice - it is her grand baby and it’s always harder when it’s the paternal grandma because it’s another mother’s baby, different with your daughters baby.
I’m saying all that because my eldest DC is a boy - I can imagine wanting alone time with his baby, thankfully I also have girls so they will be happy to hand baby over!
On the other hand - I would NEVER let my MIL have mine overnight - but that’s just because I hate her.

Stand your ground and don't jeopardise your own mental health for a MIL. I assume you're not blocking contact just an over night stay is making you uncomfortable? My ex partner always sided with him mum, hindsight after the 13years we were together I don't think he ever mentally left his parents home. Good luck🍀

No. Just no. Your dh should understand that.

She is too young and if you are not comfortable with it tell her that and say if she keeps going on about it you will never feel comfortable with her staying.

We live over an hour away from our families so a couple of times a year; my mum has them (ds9 & ds5) overnight for a couple of days. Believe me - it's a godsend! However; I wouldn't let our baby (ds2months) go. My mum completely understands and didn't even suggest it. I suppose when he asks to go too - then he can go.
You have to he firm in the fact that your NOT ready for dd to go away from you overnight. In my opinion; it's unnessasary and not fair on your lo. If your dp or mil doesn't like it - tough!

"I can imagine wanting alone time with his baby"

Can I ask why? Why is "alone time" something that you actively want to ask for, rather than just generally spending time with your grandchildren?

For a bit of reverse manipulation tell MIL you are sure she will understand that you are not feeling quite ready yet and will let her know when you are. Be very (immovably) firm. Tell DH that if he really expects you to put his Mother’s needs above yours, he may find himself without a wife!

Yes, this is a big presumption

WTF is wrong with these MILs? Why do they want the baby without the mother there? What are they going to do to they that they can’t do in front of the mother—it’s so fucking weird and twisted—the baby is not a freaking dolly!

Please tell them something along the lines of: “Over my dead body is my baby staying with anyone but me until I’m ready. Don’t ask again—I’ll let you know when I’m ready, but it won’t be for a few years yet!” Please also tell DH that she may be his mother, and he knows her well, but you don’t. Point out that the pressure is going to ruin any future relationship with MIL if they don’t back off. He’s being completely U! Hope they back off

My children are 11 and 8 and have never stayed at my MILs. There’s never been any need for them to so why would they!? My children have never expressed a desire to stay at my ILs so that is that! I don’t understand this weird need to have other people’s children overnight and play mummy 🤷‍♀️

I can imagine wanting alone time with his baby, thankfully I also have girls so they will be happy to hand baby over!

Why on earth does it have to be alone time? And what makes you think your daughters will be okay with it just because they’re girls?

Alone time - I don’t know really.
When I handed my babies to mum she could kiss them, cuddle them, change nappies, blow raspberry’s on their bellies -whatever.
My MIL could never do that with my children - not with me there, she wouldn’t feel comfortable. I suppose that’s why - fro my experience as a mother. I’m not a grandma yet, but when I am I know I’ll be more at ease with my daughters children than another woman’s children with my sons.
I’ve spoken to heaps of grandmas -all those who have both say it’s diffetent with your daughters children to your sons. I think she just wants to be relaxed and affectionate with baby in a way that she can’t when Op is there.

I don’t have grandchildren- but I am very involved with my great nephews. I absolutely love it if it happens I get some alone time with of them. It means I can just be me-sing silly songs, gaze adoringly, whatever, without any concerns about being judged (I wouldn’t be, but the fear is universal) or having to divide my attention. I’d never ask- never mind demand. But if the opportunity to take one of them out in his pram arose i’d be there! I still like it-I like being able to listen to what they are saying without distraction. I took one of them to a museum last weekend- it was fab.

Be a use it will be ok with my girls , we’re a really close family, grandma (maternal) is a huge part of my children’s lives, I just know that my daughters will be cool with me having baby overnight - with my sons - it will depend on the daughter in law.

This has zero to do with your mother-in-law. This has 100 percent to do with your husband. It really does not matter one bit what your MIL wants. What matters is whether your husband is a grown-up man. If he is thinking that any of this shit means that he is "caught in the middle" between two squabbling womenwhich is no doubt the self-flattering illusion under which he is laboringit is time to lay down the hammer of truth. Which is oh guess what honey, it's Adult O Clock. In which couples make childraising decisions in their own home, for the best of the 1. child and 2. themselves. Only after those conditions have been satisfied do other people's wants and desires come into the picture. Since sending 3 month old to grandma is not good for 1. baby, or 2. mother, then that's a straight hell naw.

I just know that my daughters will be cool with me having baby overnight

No you don’t, if they don’t yet have babies. You really don’t and it’s not fair to just assume your daughters will hand over their young babies to you overnight.

I was really close to my grandmother and we were in and out of her house almost as often as our own growing up, but there still weren’t any overnight visits until we were past the baby stage.

@Ferret27
Look ..I’m sorry but this baby has two parents ... why do fathers not get to decide???*

Because of biology?

Us women can’t have it all are own way .... Compromise is possible

Not when it comes to your tiny baby it doesn't

MrsRonaldWeasley

My children are 11 and 8 and have never stayed at my MILs. There’s never been any need for them to so why would they!? My children have never expressed a desire to stay at my ILs so that is that! I don’t understand this weird need to have other people’s children overnight and play mummy 🤷‍♀️

Whereas masquerading as the wife of a fictional child wizard is fine👍🏼

@TigerTooth

No you don't know. Nor do your daughters. Not yet.

Wait till the babies are actually here. Then they can decide.

This “playing mummy” thing is strange. Surely they are “being granny”?

Ok, well I think you're projecting your own feelings onto the OPs MIL, @TigerTooth.

I've always been as comfortable with my MIL looking after my babies as my mum. In fact MIL has done so many more times as she lives closer than my mum. Neither of them were desperate for "alone time". I can't imagine I would be if I ever have grand children.

I'm really close to my mum but there's no way in hell I'd allow her to have my babies overnight. They were all breastfed for a start. My ds has to be looked after by her when he was 2 and I was admitted to hospital borderline septic with a kidney infection. I'm a single mum so ds was only ever with me overnight, he does t know his dad. I was so upset at not being with him and he was distraught at not having me to comfort him. I think both my daughters were 2 before they had a night away from me.
Mil is a pita but you have a DH problem.

*53rdWay

I just know that my daughters will be cool with me having baby overnight

No you don’t, if they don’t yet have babies. You really don’t and it’s not fair to just assume your daughters will hand over their young babies to you overnight.

I was really close to my grandmother and we were in and out of her house almost as often as our own growing up, but there still weren’t any overnight visits until we were past the baby stage

Yes - I do know, that’s the way our family works, my daughters love the closeness of our family. It runs deep, I know my family - you do not.

I still don't get how a tiny baby benefits in any way from being apart from its mother or overnight with anyone else.