Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL demanding to have 3 month old overnight

484 replies

ClareSleepy · 03/05/2019 15:59

Please help me reason with DH my MIL has set up her home like a nursery and has been pressuring to have DD at her place overnight practically since she was born. DH is manipulated by her and always tells me he feels so sorry for her. I've told MIL she can visit us and see her granddaughter whenever she likes but she whinges to DH and plays the victim that she can't have DD overnight at her place. I'm made out to be the villain for saying no and DH and I have just argued again about it it's getting me so down. What can I say to make them both back off?

OP posts:
Toooldfornonsense · 04/05/2019 18:42

Totally unnecessary remark

Arkenfield3001 · 04/05/2019 18:42

I would add that it really helped when my son was born 9.5 months after his sister that she was already familiar with both her aunt and uncle and my Mum. She was 6 weeks old when she spent a weekend at my brother’s and 6 months when she spent a week at my Mum’s ! She was very happy & contented so no sleepless nights for anyone

Explain to your DH that YOU (& a number of other parents on Mumsnet) don’t feel ready /able to let go of your baby yet but really neither is being unreasonable for asking.
I’m sure your DH would love a night out with just you! Beware of paternal PND when life becomes all about baby 👶🏻

Gruzinkerbell1 · 04/05/2019 18:43

This woman is repeatedly trying to take your tiny new baby away from you. No wonder you’re beginning to hate her. YANBU.

I’d warn your H that it’ll be him that you start hating next.

jessebuni · 04/05/2019 18:44

I feel you OP. Having a family member who can take your baby or child overnight CAN be wonderfully supportive and a well needed break BUT it is 100% very individual and it is YOUR baby and you should never feel pressured. My MIL sulked that because my DCs were all breastfed she couldn’t look after them overnight until they were older and she couldn’t feed them and cuddle them like she wanted. The first time I let other people’s opinions have me stopping breastfeeding at about 6 months because it wasn’t what everyone else wanted but second time around I knew what I wanted and stood up for myself better. MIL pressuring me actually made me avoid seeing her meaning in the long run she saw less of her GCs because of it not more. I think she realised that eventually and cut it out. It’s your choice. Just say that you’re sorry, it’s lovely to know that she’s ready to be a supportive grandmother with a room for the night when it’s needed but at the moment you aren’t ready and her making you feel pressured makes you hate the idea more and that you will tell her when you’re ready.

Lou12124 · 04/05/2019 18:47

You just have to say no. Have a conversation with your DH and explain you know how much MIL wants to have baby but you are a new mum and are still settling into it yourself and you are not ready for overnight stays. I get on extremely well with my MIL and she was the same as yours...she has all the nursery set up for my twins and my daughter. When the time comes tou will be thankful she has everything there because it's a home from home and you'll find baby is much happier that they have everything at nanny house. Makes your life easier too as dont have to drag the whole house to MIL.

I agree with what some people said about letting her have the baby for a few hours. Believe it or not but it is so good for you and your partner to have those few hours to yourself. We went to the coast when my DD was 2 months old when MIL watched her and we just sat there talking about our baby but it was nice to just relax for a bit!
I do get your anxiety about leaving baby and feel as though they are interfering but I assume they all just love baby as much as you do and it is good for the babys to mix with the family at a young age

Arkenfield3001 · 04/05/2019 18:49

@Ferret27

Exactly why don’t the Dads get to decide if they would love their baby to stay with their Mum overnight? Well said ...

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 04/05/2019 18:53

Your mil sounds absolutely appalling, I'm a grandmother, we have our grandchildren overnight, but they are 5 and 8, I certainly wouldn't have wanted to do that when they were babies, unless it was absolutely necessary. What is it with these women? to be a grandmother one must have been a mother, therefore they've had their turn at that. Quite honestly, getting up at night with a baby wasn't the best bit. What is really wrong with this woman and others like her, they have no right to try and usurp the position of the mother, or wear the mother down or just make them feel uneasy, particularly if the mother is susceptible to capitulation. Your mil is behaving like a spoilt child do not give in OP just follow your own instincts.

Scrapbookqueen1 · 04/05/2019 18:55

OP, you have been too generous with your MIL when you’ve said she can visit when she likes. I’ve always rationed my MIL and my mother come to think about it then they’re happy with anything they get. And DH gets a say after he’s done the biological bonding of carrying the child. Your baby is a baby once, savour it - you don’t actually have to share. Tell hubby to suck it up or he can go stay with MIL

BertrandRussell · 04/05/2019 18:56

“I’ve always rationed my MIL and my mother come to think about it then they’re happy with anything they get.”

Now that is vile.

AssassinatedBeauty · 04/05/2019 18:57

@Ferret27 if one parent isn't happy then the other shouldn't ignore that and hand over their small baby anyway. No one would be taking my baby away from me. Babies aren't toys that everyone who wants to can take a turn with.

Scrapbookqueen1 · 04/05/2019 18:58

So is my MIL Grin

Beachbodynowayready · 04/05/2019 18:58

I have never heard a man say they have felt physically and mentally unable to part with a baby....

Michelleoftheresistance · 04/05/2019 19:03

why do fathers not get to decide??? Us women can’t have it all are own way....

Oh for goodness sake.

'Us women' decided that the whole love honour and obey thing was best left in the 1950s where it belongs, you must have missed the team memo. We also decided that consent is a thing, and in all cases of consent, no trumps yes.

53rdWay · 04/05/2019 19:04

Men should get equal veto power over babies staying with relatives overnight. If it’s going to cause one parent a lot of upset then it shouldn’t happen.

I bet OP’s not reading all the posts by now but if you are: the “DH feels so sorry for her, so shut up and give her what she wants” thing is a bit worrying for your future family relationships. Does she often get her own way by making her nearest and dearest feel sorry for her?

IHaveNoIdeaReally · 04/05/2019 19:06

@Bignosenobum

"ps I don't believe you when when you said "demanding". bet u r a real cow"

Did you mean to be so cunty? 🤔

AssassinatedBeauty · 04/05/2019 19:07

I have, @Beachbodynowayready, it was a dad who had been primary carer since birth.

flyingspaghettimonster · 04/05/2019 19:10

Be careful not to just say "when she is older". Every time she sees you the baby is older than the last time so it is valid for yer to ask. Make it clear the baby is not going ti he away from you unless an emergency happens and likely won't be ready for sleepovers with grandparents until 4 or so... our oldest was only away from us 3 hours until she turned 3, we tried one time to see a movie when she was 6 monthsiold, she cried the whole time, that was the end of that.

My kids are older now and my mother and father in law are always asking when the kids holidays are because they just assume they can have them for as long as they want. Or when they have a week off work they expect to be allowed to visit with us for that time... it has become a real annoyance to me because although it is great they love my kids and want to see them, it feels like they are assuming ownershio or something. And they don't do things my kids want to do, but always drag them to cultural things they want to impose on them... like art museums instead of natiral history museums, classical concerts instead of the kids favourite singers and botanical gardens all the freaking time... I mean it is pretty, but not exciting to 2 teens and a tween. My kids are reaching a stsge when they aren't eager for a weeo or two in a house with no tv or computer games away from their friends... but because I was not firm enough about boundaries when they were younger I am now being made out to be selfish and a bitch for not wanting to drive them 7 hours each way to visit and then pick them up a week later.

Keep firm. Your child, your rules. No sleep overs whatsoever.

Cryalot2 · 04/05/2019 19:14

Your husband should be ashamed, he needs to support you first and foremost.

Please do not cave in .
Your husband is overstepping his mark.
You have had a baby and should be free to enjoy such. If mil gets a night, next it will be a week .
Does your husband not want to spend time with your child?
Either he respects you or leave him .
Mil needs one of those dolls or to go get pregnant again .

idontlikebirthdaycake · 04/05/2019 19:17

My Daughter has just turned three, and the only person she's stayed overnight with is my best friend (Because she's the only person I trust) and that was just for when I had my baby who was premature. My children stay with me and me only unless I have an emergency and then they will go to my friend and her partner.

You tell your MIL this "She is my child. What I say goes. If you don't like it then that's your loss" Stick to your guns, hold your ground and if possible - Just block her number

QueenArseClangers · 04/05/2019 19:21

Bloody hell Arkenfield and ferret.
You both sound rather hard of thinking.
Do you not understand about biology, maternal and infant psychology and the mother/baby dyad? Hmm

NemosMum21 · 04/05/2019 19:24

Tell MIL she can have baby overnight when she is 13 and only if she wants to go! Seriously, get very cross with your husband and tell him it's not going to happen until you are good and ready. I had to have this conversation 40 years ago. Now a MIL myself, and have never forgotten how it felt. You do not need this stress!

Ilfie · 04/05/2019 19:27

Don’t go there! You need to let her have baby over when you feel happy with it, probably a long time ahead from now!!!

vacanthellhome · 04/05/2019 19:28

*What a shame ! My daughter was only 6 weeks old when she went to stay at my brother’s house for the weekend. It was amazing to get a baby free night with my husband...! You don’t know how lucky your are - not all MIL offer to take them overnight

I think it’s fantastic that your MIL has set up her home like a Nursery as it’s dead handy for Grandma daycare too. Hope it’s not too long before your baby can sleep at Grandma’s*

Crikey you really can't see that others wouldn't want to that? Because loads wouldn't.

Cryalot2 · 04/05/2019 19:31

You are a new mum and should be enjoying your baby not stressed by DH and mil .
The fact you are not ready is enough, both should except that .
Mil had her time and it is very rude of her not to let you enjoy your time.
It's no and non negotiable until it suits you..
If dh has a problem send him back to his mum until he gets loosed from her apron strings .
Hugs and good wishes

Whatnameisgood · 04/05/2019 19:31

I was going to suggest that you might be desperate for a night off around the 4 month sleep regression, if it happens! However, a major concern is that if she has so little respect to keep pressuring you right now you might not EVER trust her to look after your body as you won’t trust her to follow how you ask her to care for your baby

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.