MIL demanding to have 3 month old overnight

[ClareSleepy]

Please help me reason with DH my MIL has set up her home like a nursery and has been pressuring to have DD at her place overnight practically since she was born. DH is manipulated by her and always tells me he feels so sorry for her. I've told MIL she can visit us and see her granddaughter whenever she likes but she whinges to DH and plays the victim that she can't have DD overnight at her place. I'm made out to be the villain for saying no and DH and I have just argued again about it it's getting me so down. What can I say to make them both back off?

The thing is some mothers might be fine with their babies sleeping away overnight from an early stage, there's nothing wrong with that.

The point here is that you aren't comfortable with it and that's really all that matters. You aren't happy with it, so it doesn't happen...end of story.

Get your DH to stop being a melt and to back you up.

An absolutely preposterous notion. She sounds crackers

Don't discuss it, don't listen to it. Just say no, repeatedly.
I would cry and make a fuss, maybe swear as well, but you don't have to, leave the room if they've don't stop, and tell your husband he's a fuckwit.
You need to be more difficult than mil so he feels sorry for you, or himself. Go low contact if you have to, they are making you ill and that's not good for baby. Good luck

The first time I looked after my granddaughter overnight she was 6 months old as her mum and dad had to go out. It was awful she screamed and screamed so much she was sick. I had no choice but to ring them to come back. I had baby sat her at theirs many times and I had taken her out etc but she was not happy being at mine overnight.

I swear some of these mils are completely batshit crazy! If you can’t say no outright make excuses and keep putting off. I kicked my ex out because he kept pandering to his mother. Fuck them!

The first time I looked after my granddaughter overnight she was 6 months old as her mum and dad had to go out. It was awful she screamed and screamed so much she was sick. I had no choice but to ring them to come back. I had baby sat her at theirs many times and I had taken her out etc but she was not happy being at mine overnight.

My MIL had both my kids overnight quite a lot, but they knew her house and crucially they were not breastfeeding.

She was v useful at trying to get them to take a bottle, this is where grandmothers are amazing. I felt like I could trust her judgement to deal with the crankiness but not let them become inconsolable. Maybe you could tell her you'd love her help when the time comes to wean, OP?

Say yes, WE would love to stay over 😊🥰

Why do people (mainly other women) feel the need to have to take others kids overnight without their mothers??

I know! I see this all the time on here and this obsession mystifies me.

Tell your DH very clearly that he will back you up; that he can 'feel so sorry for her' as much as he likes but it won't make a difference; that if he doesn't step in and back you up, you will tell her in the strongest of terms what she can do with her demands.

The, if she keeps demanding and he doesn't stand up for you, follow up. It doesn't matter if the MIL gets upset. It's your baby and your choice.

I would ask H and MIL what possible benefit they think staying at MIL's overnight has for the baby. That's whose needs matter most here, after all.

My sister had been in a similar position. MIL absolutely crazy - she brings her down and you can see it affecting my sisters mental health. If it had been me I’d have run away from her other half half before the baby (but here she is). Stay strong, keep to your guns and if I were you I’d challenge your DH. If he can’t back you up, he’s not worth having. There’s something seriously lacking with your MIL and it needs addressing - not by passing over your child to stop any awkwardness

Why do pensioner grandparents do this? I see it so often - they overstep the boundaries so much and treat their children's children like their own. Tell her to get a hobby if she is that bored and request that you settle into a more structure granny time which suits you and baby. I would push back as well.

Sorry. Your MIL wants your baby overnight what's the problem? Have a few more kids you will be begging for a night off. My mil took my son from 6 weeks. Thank God as I had to work. This carried on for years. She loved children, so what????? Get over yourself

To answer all people here. Many people love children especially if they are biologically linked. I think you are all crazy to believe a grandmother should have a "prescribed" relationship. Ridiculous my MIL died of cancer and I miss her every day. Especially as my mother was a dead loss. I did not always get on with MIL but we agreed on one thing how much we both love her son and grandson. Mumsnet is getting more ridiculous every post.

Yanbu. I can't imagine letting my one year old stay away overnight. Three months is clearly too early for you. Stick to your guns. I'm sorry your DH is so unsupportive.

Why do pensioner grandparents do this it's not a case of being a pensioner, its a case of persistently bullying.
Claire, you need to get angry, first with DH, if that doesn't work, you tell them both to Back off, once & for all --Fuck off-

Look ..I’m sorry but this baby has two parents ... why do fathers not get to decide??? Us women can’t have it all are own way .... Compromise is possible ... Stay over with your baby now and then over the next few months ... go out for a short walk each visit and leave her to be the doting nanny .... then take your baby home... I’m so glad my brother and his wife were easy going with all their children ... they left my nephews overnight with us from 6 months everyone had some great memories from those early years ... ridiculous to say when 2 yrs old

What a shame ! My daughter was only 6 weeks old when she went to stay at my brother’s house for the weekend. It was amazing to get a baby free night with my husband...! You don’t know how lucky your are - not all MIL offer to take them overnight

I think it’s fantastic that your MIL has set up her home like a Nursery as it’s dead handy for Grandma daycare too. Hope it’s not too long before your baby can sleep at Grandma’s

"Why do fathers not get to decide?...."
Because he's putting his mother's irrational wants over his baby's needs.

My MIL did this. I went through all the arguments with husband about why it wasn't a good idea (DD was being breast-fed, MIL had her own DD and DS, etc) but none of it worked. DH was back at work really quickly and he figured he was fine with being away all day so why wasn't I okay with an overnight?

Then I had to stay overnight at hospital because I got an infection, and DD stayed with me. He absolutely hated having to go home and leave us there overnight. He understood then, and the badgering stopped. Even now she's 4 and stays with GPs occasionally in the summer etc, it tends to be him who decides he's had enough of her being away and goes and fetches her.

Why don't you try taking your baby to stay with you at a friend's house for a night and see how he likes having both of you out of the house for 24 hours? Sounds like you need a break from him.

All power to anyone who is happy for their babies to be looked after by a loving relative overnight from a v young age.

Personally, I wasn't. OP isn't. Being pressured by husband or MIL to do something that will distress her, is unneccessary, and may (or may not) distress the child is unkind at best.

“Sorry. Your MIL wants your baby overnight what's the problem? ”

The problem is tgt the OP does not what to happen. Which is absolutely, perfectly fine. And the mil is demanding, not offering, which is absolutely , perfectly wrong.

What worries me a bit is that people are saying that this is an absolute wrong thing that should never happen. It isn’t. For some families it’s perfectly normal and happy. It’s just not for the OP and she should have her “no” respected. My dp and his siblings spent a lot of time with both sets of grandparents because his parents were very young and working long hours. And my mil has always run a sort of open house for her local grandchildren- they regard her house as an extension of theirs. I think there’s a lot to be said for that- my sils and bil never have to think about baby sitters or emergency child care because all the children have happily gone to grandmas since babyhood.

So- it’s not for everyone.And that’s fine. But it is for some. And that’s fine too.

A dh has made vows to his dw not his dm. So the wishes of his dw should take priority.

From a different view my mum didn't have a mil always stayed right from birth that ds was always welcome at anytime day or night, I was so grateful for this time and it turned in to a lovely tradition that my parents took my son away for a holiday every year and they had amazing times. I think the first time they had him for any length of time was a week when he was 8 moths old. I trust my parents ....im still alive and a fairly decent human so they must know what there doing.

@Bignosenobum if I didn’t know better you sound like a troll... this woman is asking for advice in her situation. She has a first child who is 3 months old. It is not ridiculous for her to say no. Don’t be an idiot with your response