MIL demanding to have 3 month old overnight

[ClareSleepy]

Please help me reason with DH my MIL has set up her home like a nursery and has been pressuring to have DD at her place overnight practically since she was born. DH is manipulated by her and always tells me he feels so sorry for her. I've told MIL she can visit us and see her granddaughter whenever she likes but she whinges to DH and plays the victim that she can't have DD overnight at her place. I'm made out to be the villain for saying no and DH and I have just argued again about it it's getting me so down. What can I say to make them both back off?

I do think the “my little family”. thing is quite new,

Or possibly the women who previously felt pressured into handing over babies (as opposed to being happy to take up an offer) have become more assertive at saying 'no' to people in general. Others pressured by circumstances to leave young babies with other care in order to work, may now have alternatives.

I'd say both of those are pluspoints for feminism and social progress.

OP, I really feel for you. You should be enjoying this time with your new baby. Not feeling anxious and upset. This is disgraceful behaviour of you ‘d’h and mil!! I’m so annoyed on your behalf.
Just pull up your big girl pants and tell him it’s not happening. Not now or ever at this rate. If he feels so sorry for her, he can fuck off and live with her. The big fucking baby!!

@BertrandRussell possibly.
But dismissing the OPs feelings is just as bad so...

I do think the “my little family”. thing is quite new

Actually, though, having someone else's tiny baby overnight is the strange historical anomaly. For most of history (and in most of the world today) it would be impossible anyway due to breastfeeding. The rise of bottle feeding made it possible - but no parent, formula or breast fed, should be pressured to having their child stay with someone else overnight.

It’s happened for centuries. Or has nobody heard of wet nurses?

“For most of history (and in most of the world today) it would be impossible anyway due to breastfeeding” This is interesting- although obviously not relevant to the thread. Up until very recently, working class women wouldn’t have been able to exclusively bf beyond quite a young age because they would have had to work. Presumably very early weaning made that possible? So frustrating that this sort of history doesn’t appear to be written down.

This isn't a British or a cultural thing. It's the individual grandmothers, seems to be MILS more than the mother of the new mum, who thinks she has a right or entitlement to have the GC overnight.

Being away from my baby (i was wedding dress shopping with Dsis) who was a few months old for several hours, left my boobs very painful and engorged. I simply couldn't imagine a scenario where I would leave my baby elsewhere overnight.

This isn't a case of the father not having an opinion, but the needs of the mother and her desire not to be seperated from her baby come first.

If MIL is lonely, that's not your problem. GPs should not rely on GC to make their lives worth living and if my DH is had tried to badger me on something like this, it wouldn't have ended well.

Bertrand babies were bottle fed way before formula. My late gm was the oldest girl out of a family of 10 and she bottle fed babies over 100 years ago probably they were breastfed as well but not exclusively.

Yes- the difference is that safe bottle feeding is quite recent.....

Why oh why would you want to get up 3/4/infinite amount of times in the night to feed and change a newborn that isn't yours! Surely the perk of being a grandparent is you get the good bits with none of the exhausting bits??

'No over nights will be happening with anyone until my baby is older and we are both ready for it, I am her mother so please respect my decision and don't ask again'
Then if she asks again 'fuck off'

Both of them go for your DH too.

I actually think it’s quite a nice thing she wants to help out & look after bubba - why not use it to go out for a nice meal & get some decent sleep. My mum has my dc each when they were six weeks or so over night and mil from about 8 weeks I just expressed like crazy and we had some us time again! Your baby won’t break...I’m prepared to be shot at!

I'd say no, don't feel guilty for it either. There is a time and a place. As people have said there will be loads of opportunities when she is older. Good luck xx

How when she doesn't have boobs? Baby will need to eat...

It's a human being, not a doll. Take her to the toy shop if she wants to play with one.

Not really ‘helping’ though is it Rosettarose? Offering might be a nice and helpful thing to do, but insisting on it and pestering her about it when she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to be apart from her baby overnight is not helpful at all.

The answer is no. Do not attempt to discuss it, they will only try to change your mind. Your baby needs you. How comfortable will baby feel when you are home and he is left with someone who is virtually a stranger. How dare your husband try to make you do this. Tell him he either gets on board with you, or he can go to MILs house and crawl right back into her vagina. Be careful, if you do this once, a precedence will be set and she will want more and more overnights.

Offering is fine. Demanding isn’t.

Gosh I felt the panic reading waronpeaces post. To think you feel like this. You really need support and perhaps showing this post to your dh will help him to understand. This is his mother and for him it’s far too normalised. He can rationalise this because knows he turned out ok and obvs he’s massively in the FOG .

She sounds a bit unhinged. 1. What woman would think another woman would want to leave their 3m old overnight? 2. What human being wouldn’t realise when a mother said no that she was not comfortable leaving her baby overnight? 3. Who would think pressurising would IMPROVE the chances of having child overnight? 4. Who wants someone else’s baby? 5. Plain old loony tunes doing out “nursery” for someone else’s baby when they’re 3 months old..... no boundaries & a bit loony tunes. I’d say most kids are 2-3 yrs before staying overnight?

Ps is completely out to g her needs above that of you & baby. If I were you I’d be backing away slowly!!

She’s proving she can’t be trusted with you or babies well being

Nice & helping out is babysitting for a couple of hours when asked or doing washing or something or making her own tea when she comes round! Not pressurising to take a very young baby

Away from it’s mum overnight against mum n babies wishes!!

I told everyone they could have my dc overnight when my dc asked to sleep.

I feel angry on your behalf, OP. This is a bonkers suggestion and your DH needs to back you up. Even if you're not breastfeeding, three months is far too young to be away for a sleepover. When our son was 20 months old, we went away for a night and MIL came to look after him at our house. It didn't go well; he became very distressed and screamed for hours. I still feel that we totally misjudged it. Stand your ground; there will be plenty of opportunities for sleepovers later.