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AIBU?

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Original poster

dd very distressed

335 replies

Springwalk · 03/05/2019 10:07

My dd is leaving her school at the end of the term she has been there since reception, and is very upset. She has/had a wonderful set of friends, and over the years we have had a lovely time together with the parents and the children with no problems at all. It has been great up to now.

DD (10) is leaving at the end of the summer to go to another school, I spoke to each parent individually before we accepted the place so they could tell their dc. All were initially very happy for us.

A few weeks ago dd's friends actively started to leave her out at play times. One of them has arranged a sleepover and invited everyone but her. They talk about all the things they are planning to do, and try to exclude her. It is really very very upsetting and she has been sobbing every night. I have tried to comfort her each night and tell her it won't be long until she leaves, but she is so distressed she doesn't even want to go to school anymore.

I am amazed that friends that have been with us for so long would do this to her.I expected a certain amount of regrouping, I expected a few changes and adjustments to be made, but I did not dream that it would come to this.

I have no idea what to do. Do I talk to the school? I doubt they will be interested as she is leaving. Talk to the parents? And see if they can intervene...or just continue to teach my dd to rise above it and ignore it. It is difficult to rise above this when you are only ten and these girls have been your best friends since you were four.

Please advise me, what would you do? I am at a complete loss and feel awful for her.

OP posts:
SolitudeAtAltitude · 03/05/2019 16:20

You can't win this, and the more you explain, the more they'll go against you.

It would have been better to be breezy about it and follow the mantra " never apologise, never explain".

Fact is, the current school is now no longer "good enough" for you and DD. This is what your actions say. No matter what you try to explain.

This was my experience, when moving DC to private. Some parents even asked me "So! You think you're too good for us now?"

Never expected that, but that is how people respond. Jealousy plays a part.

Sensible people don't tell anyone until the last day of term Grin ....in my experience

Nothing you can do now, just reassure your DD that all will be better at the new school.

IvanaPee · 03/05/2019 16:38

Sorry, OP, but I’m in complete agreement with Thegrey.

All the drama is on your side. Crying till your eyes are swollen shut???

Your dd is moving schools. Her friends got momentarily sad and then got over it. That’s not a crime!

You’re saying all the right things about not wanting a fuss but your language on the thread and your actions seem like you want a huge fanfare about it. Your pissed off that no one cares as much as you’d like, and your pissed off that your dd isn’t a “key member” Hmm of the group.

Honestly, it would benefit your dd a lot more if you’d dial down the drama!

You’re going into the teacher a few weeks before the end of school because your dd isn’t going to a sleepover...

IncrediblySadToo · 03/05/2019 17:06

Did this start around about the time you posted about the school’s lack of emotional support for the children when you/DD told the parents & children about DD leaving?

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 03/05/2019 17:07

Emotional support for the other children? Shock. Dear, oh dear...

Carpet86 · 03/05/2019 17:09

God get over yourself. Talk about a first world problem. Move on (literally)

Hollowvictory · 03/05/2019 17:13

Oh is this the op that was upset no counselling was offered for the other kids that her dd was leaving?

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 17:18

bookworm I have just seen the teacher, he has noticed, and more to the point he said dd is no longer happy at school, she used to be full of energy and happiness and is now quiet and withdrawn. He is going to have a quiet word with the girls, so hopefully that will work, but yes riding it out until July is what we will be doing!

solitude I couldn't keep it a secret as another girl in our year is also going in Sep, and also not keen on lying or dd having to lie. I am doing the bright and breezy thing and will keep going. Hope your dc are happy in their new school and it was a good move for you.

Incrediblysad* I think you have me mixed up with someone else.
Thegrey ditto

carpet Don't bother posting on a thread unless you can offer something constructive or thought provoking. Move on to other threads with second world problems would be your best bet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 17:18

hollow I don't know what thread you are on it, but it was not started by me.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 03/05/2019 17:25

Ah OK. Hope your dd cheers up soon. She'll make a lot of new friends and this will be in the rear view mirror

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 17:27

I have never seen a thread about counselling for dc that are leaving, but a very large gin and tonic might be in order this evening. Thanks for your best wishes.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 03/05/2019 18:23

When DS moved up to secondary private as did two others, different schools, no-one gave a monkeys. Is it only girls that get catty with each other.

DistanceCall · 03/05/2019 19:00

It's definitely the parents bitching at home, and the kids repeating it, OP. As PPs have said, no 10-year-old looks up school tables. I'm so sorry, this is shit for you and your child - and yes, I know from personal experience that girls can be particularly venomous, even at that age.

Try to salvage whatever friendships you can, but this looks like an omnishambles, to be honest. Onwards and upwards!

Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 19:53

justasking consider yourself lucky. Girls seem to be more complicated at this age.

distance I think so too, how else would all this become such an issue. I am not even trying to salvage the friendships now, I am beginning to feel that we have had a very lucky escape.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springwalk · 03/05/2019 19:54

distance thank you for your support. It has really helped. At least I can see the wood from the trees now, even if its not a pretty sight.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 03/05/2019 20:11

I am beginning to feel that we have had a very lucky escape.

I tend to agree, Spring. Best of luck to your DD (and to you) going forwards!

WhatWouldLeighAnneTwohyDo · 03/05/2019 20:39

Flowers for the loss of your mother @Springwalk

Barbie222 · 03/05/2019 20:46

I have read your first few posts and the things that came across were:

We told each parent individually

and

She won a place.

In the kindest way, if that means your daughter has gained an academic / scholars place at a school perceived to be a lot better than this one, can you see how discretion might have been the better part of valour on your part?

Apologies if I am reading that wrong as I have scrolled through in a rush.

DumbleDamn · 03/05/2019 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

callmeadoctor · 03/05/2019 20:59

Am a bit cringey (sorry!) at the fact that some of her friends have written her a "well done" card! Cant you see that her friends and their parents obviously do feel that they haven't done as well. However you have told them obviously hasn't come across well (sorry)

Purpletigers · 03/05/2019 21:06

If you’re moving her it’s as good as saying the school their children go to “isn’t good enough for your daughter “ . It might not seem like that to you but it will to them .

Tavannach · 03/05/2019 21:10

it is tipping into a bullying situation in my view.

If your DD is crying every night because she's being excluded it's not tipping anywhere. It IS a "bullying situation".
Certainly talk to the teacher. Apart from dealing with your daughter's misery, these children need to learn that such behaviour is unacceptable.

llangennith · 03/05/2019 21:17

I still don't understand why you felt it necessary to go around telling everyone she was leaving and that "she's got a place at a really good school."

You made it a big deal.

callmeadoctor · 03/05/2019 21:19

I think it may have been best on the last day of school, to say breezily, DD is moving to "x" school next term, hope to catch up with you all soon. (and just go!)

Purpletigers · 03/05/2019 21:27

And I don’t for one minute believe that your child is as innocent as you seem to believe . There’s always another side to the story and then of course the truth !
You’re being overly dramatic tbh about a school place. The other girls may be leaving your daughter out so you would both benefit from learning about resilience. You cannot make someone like you .
Neither can you fix all her problems for her , you can, however, help her develop the skills to sort them out by herself . If you fail to do this when she’s young you’re setting her up for a lifetime of anxious behaviour . Seeing her mother crying ( seriously ) won’t be helping her at all .

Lougle · 03/05/2019 22:06

DD3 has moved school twice. Once in year 1 and then in year 4. The first time, her best friend's Mum burst into tears when I told her. Now, that friend and DD3 have kept in touch, but DD3 invited the friend to her birthday party this year, but the friend didn't invite DD3. It's absolutely normal, she's moved on. She's at a big school and has friends there.

The second time, she moved from a tiny school to a bigger school, just because she found the small, mixed year classes a bit claustrophobic...she wanted to be able to mix with more children. She's kept in touch with 2 friends from that school, but they don't see each other often.

Both times, we left very shortly after making the decision. Explanations were kept very brief.

I'd completely step back from this madness. Build your DD up emotionally.